Friday, 11 November 2011


Sometimes there is a song that illustrates how one can feel where the lyrics really talk to you.  In this case The Killers have spoken to me right now.

For Reasons Unknown

I pack my case. I check my face.
I look a little bit older.
I look a little bit colder.
With one deep breath, and one big step, I move a little bit closer.
I move a little bit closer.
For reasons unknown.

I caught my stride.
I flew and flied.
I know if destiny's kind, I've got the rest of my mind.
But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognise you no more.

For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown.

There was an open chair.
We sat down in the open chair.
I said if destiny kind, Ive got the rest of my mind.
But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognize you at all.

For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown.

I said my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to and my eyes don't recognize you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognize you no more.

For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown; for reasons unknown; for reasons unknown.

If one song could symbolise how I feel about my transition and body then this song would be it.  Only there were no unknown reasons but just needing to have the guts to be the person that I actually am.

I don't consider myself brave for transitioning.  I just see it as a case of being honest. If being true to one's self is considered to be a truly brave act then I despair slightly.  I also wonder what does that say about society if in effect we are living lives based around expectations of a peer group or if we will be controlled by other people's crap?

The part of the body that needs a purity about it is the heart.  Once self-acceptance starts and honesty with one's self can there be the potential for someone to love the person they are. This may sound a bit hippy-dippy and when I started writing this post it was the middle of the night.

My point is, without honesty we can never love in the purest sense of the word. This is why we tend to love babies and small people instantly as they are untainted by other people's crap.  Nor have they become worn down by the lack of humanity that sometimes crosses our paths.

For those who can't fathom this concept then I suggest you step out of whatever bubble you have been inhabiting.

Right now I know that things aren't as rosy as they could be.  Winter is setting in and there are things that need doing. It is a feeling of pressure that is starting to build up on me but also I am under personal pressure myself.

Once my To-Do list is completed or mini goals I set myself are finished then I know I will feel happy. It's just a case of getting it done

In terms of my transition I have a few things I really need to work on. I look up to people like Buck Angel and feel so inspired and in awe that people like him have progressed. They have had their top surgery, they look after their bodies and have a wonderful attitude.

A lot of people like to bash Buck but if it wasn't for him, he was one of the first people to provide visibility for people like me.  When I say 'like me' I am meaning people that are comfortable to be men that have vaginas and don't feel adverse to it being there.

I don't expect people to understand easily but at the same time it does help if people try and keep an open mind. I have started to feel slightly worn down by binary attitudes. It was pointed out to me that living as I do provides me with an opportunity to challenge people's views.

I get that.  But at the same time I sometimes feel exhausted at having to explain things to people so that they feel more comfortable. That is why there are spaces that I don't want to go near anymore as I don't want to make myself a target or be in a position whereby people feel offended.

Some of the issue in this is how people deal with what they perceive as Otherness.

This is something that doesn't just relate to gender but many other things too. Why is it that people have such a sheep mentality sometimes and if confronted by something that is a bit different why all the hostility?

Luckily I do know quite a few people who don't behave like that and if something is a bit different they might ask questions so that they build a better understanding and they have a genuine curiosity about something they aren't familiar with.

I see this mentality as far more positive and progressive and will unite people rather than segregate them.

To separate is sometimes done for protection and I understand that need, but at the same time could it not be argued that living in permanent separation means that a sense of equality will be harder to reach?

I'm saying some of this because I do have a slight debate happening in my mind right now and that is what spaces can I enter which means I still feel and support being queer?

Just because I have a relationship with a woman doesn't make me a straight man.  Even though I look male, ID as male and legally am now male. I get that I would be easily perceived as 'hetro'. When in reality I am far from that.

I am proud to be queer and feel that since I have transitioned I have embraced a queer side that is encapsulating and is comfortable to me. I feel it provides me with a lack of borders that enables me to explore and embrace the sides of my personality more flexibly than if I was gay or straight.

It allows room for otherness.

The only things that block this is how aware people are about the concept of otherness and queer when not in a place that is a cosmopolitan utopia. Say what we like about big cities but there will be a place for people to go without feeling completely isolated.

The world is never going to be a great big caring, sharing or accepting type of place, but things can always get better.

London for all is faults may have some bad sides to it but at least I can live my life with the right levels of support that I need.  It is easier to obtain access to things here than it would be in other parts of the country and even the world.

I never forget or lose sight of that because in many ways it's always easier to focus on what we haven't got rather than looking at what we do have.

Fundamentally one thing I am fast learning as I transition is how to be comfortable and accepting not just with the rest of society but with myself. The fact is is you are a bit alternative to the mainstream then sometimes there will be the odd tension.

Still I would rather have this tension and know that I am in a position whereby I am loved and supported and have allies at hand if need be rather than feeling isolated and stuck somewhere. That would be my idea of hell.

I recently started to feel a stage where I was mourning for some of my old life. Or a part of me that fitted in.  Even though internally I never fitted, but externally and gender wise I was enabled to be accepted and carried by a community because I hadn't come to terms with who I actually was.

For a long time I was comfortable with being a lesbian, I liked having sex with women, I liked having a girlfriend and I liked that our relationship wasn't hetero. At the same time I knew there was something that was missing.  I felt odd.

I knew I was a boy that was attracted to lesbians and wanted to look like a gay man.

I did think that was a bit odd but never repressed it.  The older I got the more I knew that these feelings weren't going away. I didn't want them to go away either. I knew that organically if things were to change or if I was to make any decisions that the right time and situation(s) would come about and so far this has worked out well.

I now apply this to all other areas of life too and not just with my transition.

1 comment:

  1. A tract that rings very close to home for me, thank you.