Monday, 14 November 2011

Hurry Up and Wait...

I am awash with excitement right now. After a weekend of a lot of chilling I have found a few discoveries which can help for phase three of my transition.

Also I can't help but be amused at the irony of some of this.

Potentially I may have found a surgeon in France to do my chest surgery that is very affordable and I have seen photographs of his work and the chests I have looked at so far look great. It also helps that I know one of the people so can verify that the work isn't just any old photo that has been cut and pasted up on the internet.

The amusement comes in the form that the place is near Toulouse - which I can't think if a better place to go to literally lose my breasts.

In some of my grim days I have joked about wanting to put my breasts in a guillotine to remove them, so if I end up in France for surgery I suppose that wouldn't be too far from the truth.

Cost wise it also looks like I would be able to afford to do this next year which is a great step forward.  My only stipulation for my surgery is finding a convinient time but also having it done before I am 30. I am turning 28 soon and also have been binding for over 2 years now so am reaching the stage where I have had enough.

It's also not good for my body to be compressed as much as it is.

I am a strong chap but still all these layers and the female torso doesn't belong there. Knowing that potentially I have an option to change this pleases me greatly. That combined with the fact that I might also be able to have surgery on the NHS. I have a second appointment with Charing Cross in January so will start some of the discussions then and evaluate what my options are.

This is exciting stuff and I am pleased that things are progressing on that front.

As this year draws to a halt, it also means that the start of 2012 means that other doors will be opened to me.  I can do my Gender Reassignment Certificate application because I was told I would fit the criteria for that by then and so I shall.

I would like a new birth certificate and if I do marry one day then I know I can do so in the way I want to, but would rather have any documentation like that done so that there won't be a feeling that there is anything blocking my access to do so and therefore to remove any potential stress or pressure from what is already a life-changing thing.

Still that won't be something happening for a long time.

I hope I do one day as that has been my dream since I was very small, but like all things sometimes certain desires can change too.

For example since spending more time with The Boychild, I have re-evaluated my thoughts about having a child of my own. I really don't know if I could or would want that.

I love having him but I do like handing him back too. 

Since I have been born the thought of being pregnant has made me feel physically ill. It's just never been something up for negotiation. But now I am not sure if I could handle being a parent 24/7.  I really admire people who do and I have an extra appreciation for single parents.

I was brought up by a single Mum and she did for the first years of my life really have to sacrifice everything. There wasn't a merry band of happy elves who would give her time to herself.  In fact quite the opposite.  Being in 1980s Thatcherite Britain wasn't nice if you were unmarried and on your own.

My Mother has never acted in a 'woe is me' kind of way in regard to being a single parent.  On telling my biological father that she was pregnant with me he announced that he was leaving to go to America. She never saw him again after the day came that he handed her half a packet of cigarettes and twenty quid.

So she would never say he left her with nothing.

He didn't want to be a Father and she wanted to be a Mother and she just got on with it as best she could.  It also helped that my Mum has always had a slightly off the wall way of living.  She is a bit of a hedonist and does live for the moment and will always say and believe that everything would be fine.

I do admire that in her.

I don't have that way of letting go.  I have to plan and think of everything ahead of me otherwise I end up feeling riddled with anxiety. But then these are our differences.

I have had some elements of experience of some form of Fatherly figure, but not until I was in my early twenties when she met A.

I still see A, and I do miss them being together but for various reasons they are not and I accept that.

Not all relationships work out and that is life.

It was nice feeling for a while that we were part of a family pod. Whenever Christmas was coming I would feel excited and this year I am getting excited but it feels odd.  I miss going away to the snow most years and making a feast and watching a James Bond film.

It is those simple traditions.  Although there were underlying tensions appearing last year it was one of the best Chritmasses ever and the worst for what happened after.  Never the less shit hapens but there are many wonderful memories that are cool and I will hang on to that.

He is the only person I have ever wanted to call Dad and will always regard him in that way. Things are now just a bit odd now he and my Mum are no longer together. 

2010 for me was a really eye opening year and brought me lots of love and energy to push things on transition wise.

2011 has been a very interesting year but am glad to see the back of it.

2012 I seem to have plans happening before it's even started so will be interested to see what is happening and where I am at this time next year.

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