Monday, 16 August 2010


I am convinced I have dermatitis on my feet from the amount of travel I have found myself doing lately. Still it's good for the soul and great for the memories. Environmentalists look away now! In the last couple of weeks I have been to Italy, just returned from Corsica and next week I am off to Switzerland for a few days with my parents and E is coming too.

I had an absolutely wonderful time in Corsica, the only thing I won't miss about the place is the mosquito's and other biting flies. I have legs that look like pepperoni pizza but it was my own silly fault for not taking any deet so I won't whinge (I don't have the urge to whinge) but will remember that when going ANYWHERE with sunshine that I should take precautions.

Still you live and learn and I am glad that my blood was sweet enough. Bastards.

If I could wipe out the entire species of mosquito's I would.  Seriously what purpose do they have other than to be pests and spread disease? Still

I did proper camping too as oppose to just having a tent to sleep in and I must say there is a difference between camping and glamping. It's nice all the same but last night I was pleased to be back in a bed! I do like the space in which bed provides but being outside and feeling slightly without creature comforts is also good for the soul too.

We were celebrating E's friend N's Birthday and she was there with her E. So combined all out initials spell out LEEN and trust me at the end of this trip I feel lean in certain places.  I did some via ferrata as well as experienced some canyoning. Out of the two I preferred the via ferrata as that also involved clipping ourselves to other things and climbing on suspended logs and doing zip lines.  I must admit I was such a scaredy cat at first and did feel shaky but was glad I relaxed into it and once it felt a bit more familiar I found I really enjoyed it and could of happily spent longer doing it.

Canyoning on the other hand was possibly one of the most extreme things I have ever done. It was very beautiful though, but the bits of it I didn't like was the jumping, and having to jump. But the rest of it was ok, but overall I think I prefer slightly dryer activities. Still I am glad I tried it and the hiking there and back was very good exercise as was the experience. It didn't grip me in the same way doing the via ferrata did but then again we all find what we like and what we dislike.

I want to do more zip lining as I did feel a little frustrated that I would freeze before going for it, once I got moving I was fine, as with the canyoning.  In the end I just told the instructor to push me off the edge of a ledge if I froze as I felt that would help me maintain my pride a bit more and I would feel less of a wimp.

Still some of us have that fearlessness when it comes to that kind of stuff and some of us are a little more, cautious lets say.  The weird thing is in situations like that I don't think I am going to die or anything like that I just don't like feeling I have no control over how I descend. 

Corsica looked a lot different to how I expected it, I managed to speak in a dodgy French accent for a lot of the trip which in turn is perfect warm up for theory!

I am really looking forward to showing E, Switzerland as she hasn't been before and it will be nice to show her the house and also the beautiful views where we are.  I like it in winter but I also like it in summer when everything is in bloom and the cows are out en mass. 

My external life as always is very good, sometimes my internal feelings don't match it and that frustrates me.  My main problem I have experienced lately is sometimes having the feeling that I don't know who I am anymore. I've changed so much since last September and sometimes I feel it's hard to catch up and even keep up with what has happened and what is happening now.  Everything in me is subject to a lot of change and that is exciting but sometimes I feel an urge for quiet and calm, especially if I feel I don't know who I am anymore. That weirds me out but at the same time I am sure I am not the only one who has felt this transition stuff aside.

I do want to legally change my name soon as I feel my legal name is literally in place for admin purposes, but in terms of passport stuff and things like that I need to research everything thoroughly but at the same time I feel a little bit scared to at the same time.

I don't know how simple it will be as I am not taking hormones and I am planning on doing things privately so I know that will not necessarily be the easiest or most simple of routes but at the same time everything I am doing feels correct for me right now.

I am definitely sticking to my guns of taking things one step at a time as I don't think I would handle it otherwise. I get some days where I feel like a freak and that I don't fit in anywhere, but again I know everyone has those types of feelings.

I am really glad I don't feel like a teenage boy like I did when I first started transitioning.  I don't feel like a middle aged man but I'm working on it, minus the midlife crisis and receding hair.

(I know that was a bad stereotype to use)

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