I have just returned from Berlin and still feel very happy, energised and content on many levels. I also had the privilege of being able to revisit certain play spaces all over again and have many special memories locked into my mind.
I'm also starting to feel more comfortable when I go there. I have started meeting more people and I don't feel that Berlin is somewhere that is just E's stomping ground. She never made me feel that it was but I did for a while find it a bit harder to integrate in a way that I wanted to.
Still this time around was a lot different, there were also some familiar faces from the UK which was also lovely.
For the first time ever I felt that I was closer to the person I am becoming. Even flying back in the airport they were confused about my gender when I went through the machine but this time around I didn't care that I was patted down by a woman. As inside and mostly outside I know who I am and I am comfortable with that.
Some people won't always understand or get it and as long as they are respectful then that's all I am bothered about.
Some people also will and like to make assumptions but I am getting more and more comfortable about that as I do things or go to experience things for myself. I don't need people to place labels on me nor am feeling so bothered by what they might think of me based on assumption.
I take more of a stance of feeling that the pleasure will be all mine when I might do something to change their mind. Or they might just realise that they had misinterpreted me. Still, it doesn't make me feel a blinding sense of urgency to 'prove' myself or prove people wrong. I know that things will happen when they are meant to happen and would rather this occur in an organic sense.
One thing that taking testosterone is doing to me right now is intensifying my sexual desires as well as certain expressions of that. I seem to think about kinky things as much as I would think about what I am wearing that day or what I want to eat for dinner.
I feel so gloriously charged with sexy kinky energy right now. It's a nice thing to feel, yet I am still getting used to it.
The libido increase has definitely started as my desire to have orgasms has really gone through the roof lately. Having a room of my own in the house I live in with E is very useful and valuble to us both as that way it means there is less pressure.
I have discovered that sometimes I definitely desire to have sex and at other times I am really happy about having a w*nk. Sometimes there is a feeling where I feel I need to have a physical orgasm and that is done by myself. But the rest of the time I crave the physical intimacy and exchange had between being sexual with my partner.
The only annoying thing is once I feel horny I can't switch off until I have had some form of orgasm. It's like a tap that needs switching off otherwise water continually flows. Which is annoying sometimes as I don't always want to feel aroused or that I would like to have sex. I would like to have a passionate kiss and a cuddle and not have a burning desire to do sexual things right there and right at that second.
But on a positive note I am having very interesting and glorious fantasies and know that some of this horniness will burn off eventually.
My libido has always been really high so to be fair I am not noticing a huge difference so far other than the intensity increasing. But like with all of this I am learning how to adjust to it.
The testosterone is making me feel a lot different. Emotionally I am feeling a little cooler on the inside than I used to but I still feel irked and bothered by some things. Learning how to meditate and do yoga will be a very important step for me to follow on with as it means that I can find ways in which to relax and in some ways to find a bit of peace amidst some of this chaos that is taking place hormonally.
I also need time to adjust to the changes and need to make sure I don't turn into an asshole in the process and so far I think it's getting there. My fuse is definitely a lot shorter than it used to be though and this is taking some getting used to.
Although some of it is me becoming more assertive as well. I used to have a bad habit of saying nothing and letting lots of things build up and up. Now I let it out sometimes a bit too quickly but like lots of things I am happy to acknowledge that and put in the right levels of work to make it better and to allow myself to grow into being a better person.
It is important to respect others but I have to remember to respect myself at the same time and not put myself in situations or a position whereby I feel that I am in a crap position whilst everyone else gets what they want from a situation.