Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Let's Get Physical

The hormones are in full swing right now it seems.  I had a mini shave the other day and can see hair growth and stubble starting in its own way. It’s not full on stubble yet but its heading that way.

I haven’t got enough hair to do a proper wet shave as of yet but am enjoying what is happening gradually.

My physical smell has changed a lot from what it was and this is something that initially worried me but I am getting used to it and thankfully from what people have told me it is a pleasant smell so that is a relief.  Although post sport I wouldn’t recommend anyone getting near my armpits as even I have found myself surprised at how much I will smell.

Everything down to the smell of my urine is different.  I get sweatier more than I used to and now have found myself showering up to twice a day if I feel that I am not as fresh as I usually am.

There is a lot more sensitivity in my groin area as well. I feel swollen a lot more in that area so have had to be careful in terms of what trousers and boxers I wear. As I don’t want to feel uncomfortable or if I am completely honest too many things that rub cause arousal which given how easy it is to feel horny right now I think I could do without anything else adding to that.

In short I am a very horny teenage boy right now. With that are some pleasures and also with that comes what I feel is a responsibility to manage this.  I have never felt so horny in all of my life, yet at the same time I don’t have the desire to hump everything and everyone in sight either which is a relief.  But my thoughts are mostly about sex, or memories of really hot sex, fantasies about sex, as well as feeling confident and virile.

I want to be looked at and feel that I am a stud rather than a boy. Especially when you have a hormone in your body that makes you feel very sexual and the last thing I wanted to be treated as in some ways is a-sexual.

Some people (in a not meaning to way) seem to think or behave around me that because I have decided to transition it means that I wouldn’t have an interest in sex or that I shouldn’t have a sex life.

I find this odd.

No matter how someone identifies in life there are people who are super horny and then there are people who are not. Right now I am clearly super horny and have been finding ways that makes me feel that I am validated without it having to come from a certain source.

I think it’s definitely an adjustment in terms of embracing a feeling of a new body and sexual identity but with that means that a lot of the time it feels like a very solitary ache as it’s a wavelength that I am still adjusting to so realistically how would anyone else be able to key in with this? I don’t overly expect them to either but it’s not always easy.  Especially when in a relationship.

In this situation it’s not just my feelings and desires in place but its accommodating for someone else’s and finding ways not to either offend or end up making someone feel pressure at the same time because my libido is a lot higher than theirs at the moment.

One good thing is that it’s not that I desire to be sexual with her all the time. I am very happy having time with myself as this is something I am comfortable about. I don’t see it that my partner has to provide every orgasm I desire or need.

I say the word need as sometimes my body is swollen and throbbing and that doesn’t go away unless I have some form of orgasm.

Sex has definitely become a lot more physical in desire than it used to be in some ways.

My voice is gradually deepening more from what it was but I think after maybe lets say my next injection there might be more of a marked difference in place.

But the thing with hormones is that the changes seem to sprout out of what feels like nowhere. So when a change does happen it almost feels like magic.

I am due my next injection in 8 weeks.  I have had some temptations to have what feels like more T at certain times, but I know that the way I am having this one is better for me in the long run as I feel enough changes already without having certain things accelerated.

There is one thing on a physical level that is bothering me and I have become paranoid that I have put on weight and now look fat. Although I know I am not, I used to be and now having something in my body that is making me become broader, has made it difficult to adjust to the fact that my body can be wider without it necessarily being fat.

I have been exercising.  I try and play squash at least 3 times a week, I also do one session of Yoga (which is one for stress) and I think in between I have to increase what I do at the gym as well so that I know that anything I eat will be burned off.

This is especially important right now because not smoking every day and the T makes me feel hungrier than I used to.

Chest wise I know some weight will come off once I have surgery and it will also be wonderful to be able to work out or play sports when not wearing a binder.

Having everything clamped to the chest becomes sweaty and isn’t nice feeling an extra 4-5 inches protruding that is pure fat.

But wearing a binder isn’t good all the time. When I am working at home then I have made sure I don’t wear it when in the house, so I give my chest area some space to breathe.

This is the best I can do before surgery. I don’t know when that will happen as of yet but will be able to make a better plan for that in January. Around that time I have my second Charing Cross appointment and would have been on hormones for 6 months so will be sorting out a few other things around that time as well.

I have set the goal that before I am 30 I want to have had my chest surgery. Given that I haven’t joined the 27 club this looks like something I shall be putting into practice.

Like with most things though it shall involve a bit of a wait.

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