Monday, 26 September 2011

Manny Monty

Two friends of mine have a delightful little boy.  I have referred to him previously as ‘The Magic Baby’ and in many ways he is.  He doesn’t pull rabbits out of his nappies or can saw people in half but he has a wonderful energy about him. His smile, smell and presence is a pleasure to be around.

His smile can melt many a cold heart and has won over the ‘I-don’t-like-baby’ types. I love watching how he studies people in a room, scanning them with his inquisitive eyes, before the occasional dribble or nibble of a handbag or pulling of someone’s facial hair.

I really like looking after him as it also gives me a chance to do something that steps out of the confines of my otherwise professional perverted life.

Where I research and write about sex, photograph kink and also review restauarants with a kinky twist, childcare is one of the most non kinky things possible.  For that I am relieved as this has offered me a vague connection and what feels like an olive branch back with reality. 

It’s also been nice to spend time with him, particularly as it reminds me that I do have some emotions.  I say this as the time passes and more and more cycles of the hormones begin to take effect I feel a lot less sensitive and soft than I used to.

I do see this as a positive in many respects, particularly as I think I was over sensitive before.  I would have emotional conversations and ones that were very centred around feelings.  Now they are still there but I feel I am learning how to feel and respond to things without feeling a weight about it.

It’s really liberating in some aspects.  Especially if I feel upset with someone close to me or if I have pissed them off I don’t think that they are still holding a grudge and I feel less annoyed about things too.

I would say that it is definitely a mixture of the testosterone as well as getting older. I am starting to feel more comfortable about stating what I want or what I am comfortable with. 

At the same time I do make sure that I don’t go to the other extreme and assume or act as if everything is all about me because it isn’t.

In my relationship I think stuff is about the both of us. And E and I always make sure that both of us feel happy and satisfied from how things are with our relationship.  Especially because both of us seem to be constantly evolving.

This is nice in the respect that she has her own changes to deal with too with various things so that it’s not just all about my things either.  But at the same time there are moments where things crop up.

I say this as I still feel that many people (although it’s not deliberate or meant to be negative towards me) seem to take a stance that her being with me must be ‘difficult’ or ‘is it hard for her’ or my favorite saying and that is ‘she is brave’.

Brave? Why? This is what I wonder.

I’ve even had people ask me if now that I am on testosterone will E leave me because I am ‘too male’ or I should count myself lucky that she is with me, as being with ‘someone like you can’t always be easy’.

I especially like that these are generally people that know very little about me, or our relationship or people who flirt with gender changes a little but think that they have some form of ‘authority’ when trying to decypher the otherness of our relationship.

The fact is we are queer and she met me when male identified and this might be hard for some to understand but she seems to like being with a man who has a c*nt.

I like the fact that I have both and like to use both.  This to me is a fact and I don’t expect people to understand but what I do expect is for people to stop shoving their own judgements or anxieties on me.

I didn’t transition to titillate or to intrigue other people.  I did it because I knew I wasn’t born being the person I am now.  Unfortunately a radical diet and a few step classes wasn’t going to do it.  Nor would wearing my hair in a scrunchy or listening to “Independent Woman” (believe me I tried).

I just always felt that I was a man. Especially when surrounded by women, I especially feel like an outsider then.

If anything I am a gay man that likes to sleep with women.

But ultimately things are fluid and what overrides everything for me is to be as comfortable as possible in one’s own skin. If you’re not happy about something change it.

You only get one life. It’s best to enjoy it as best you can.  Even if you didn’t want to be born, I don’t see the point in being miserable by choice. Changing things might not always be easy. There will be tears sometimes or even abject fear but why live a life that feels like a lie when most times there is a choice.

For some though there isn’t that choice and I see this as all the more reason to embrace and take things with both hands, especially if you have the luxury of being able to do so.

I am having my baseline blood tests tomorrow and after that I should have another appointment with Dr Curtis in a few weeks and in November I am due to have injection number 3.

I am starting to get some facial hair beginning and have had what I call ‘mini-shaves’ to stop the little hairs ‘biting’.  Voice is getting a bit deeper but nothing that I can really pin point.

The main thing I am feeling physically is that my hands are getting bigger, shoulders are broadening and my smell has changed.

Luckily E finds it enticing for now so I am safe it would seem!

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