This weekend marks my second Birthday. In 2009 I was in SF and a lovely man called Bean gave me a binder to try and see if it fitted and I liked it and I have been binding ever since. Following that, I made steps to get closer to the person I felt I always was.
Now I am Monty…almost complete.
The only problem I still have is the having of breasts. It’s alien and really they shouldn’t be there. I sometimes feel as if I am trapped in a fat suit. I hate having to bind. If it’s a bad bind then I end up with a ‘mono-boob’ or my chest looks odd in certain pieces of clothing.
I would love to be able to slip on a t-shirt and not have another two layers on underneath. I think on how much I would love to wear just a leather shirt or be able to walk around bare-chested if I so desired. It’s about having the choice to do so.
I would like to be more ripped chest wise so that I had a pride and felt I matched the aesthetic I have of myself in my mind.
As it stands I have a chest that yes is smaller than it used to be but visually it’s a headf*ck to deal with. At the same time I know I need to save towards chest surgery and that doesn’t come cheap. I would also want to look into the best cosmetic options I can afford too as I don’t want the other extreme happening either, whereby I am in a position where my chest feels mutilated and aesthetically that makes me want to hide.
I want to swim. I want to sit on a beach. I want to be able to just pull off a shirt or t-shirt when I am about to have sex…I want the breasts gone.
I have accommodated two hanging lumps of fat now for long enough.
Other than this issue I have come a long way since the humble days of just binding. I live in a new identity that is of my choice. Having a passport in my correct name and gender has been one of the highlights of this year, as well as having bankcards and everything else in the name of Mr Montgomery.
I don’t see it as ‘boring’ or that I am conforming to live like this as it feels truer to who I am. Perhaps my life would have been a lot simpler if in certain arenas I would have decided to be known as male there. But then in general conversation I hate being referred to as a ‘she’.
That is when I knew I wanted to transition properly. I didn’t want to be seen or spoken about as female. It started jarring on my ears. It suddenly felt very wrong. I can handle going home and taking my clothes off and seeing that I am female underneath.
That is something that I am used to. The fact I have female genitalia doesn’t faze or bother me. Fortunately there are people like Buck Angel in the world who celebrate being a man and with a vagina.
I respect for some this isn’t something they are comfortable about. For me I am comfortable about that.
If anything I feel my genitalia has become more androgynous since taking testosterone. I feel I have the best of both genders nestled between my legs. Sexually I feel slightly liberated in respect that I experience what I want given whatever my mood is at any moment.
This is exciting right now and something I am enjoying. Like most elements of my transition I have been trying to enjoy things as much as possible.
To transition has been a very freeing process. It can be emotional sometimes; I have had stages where I have questioned why I am doing this. Examined the effects it will have on the rest of my life and pondered who I really was.
A depression I sunk into last year that continued into this year was awful. I felt lost; I didn’t know at times what to do next. I wanted support and answers but knew I had to tread through this on my own.
People who are already settled and comfortable in their own gender or are born into a gender they are accepting of will never understand what it is like to feel like they are in the wrong body or have the wrong identity.
It has caused problems sometimes. Some people should really learn the skill of shutting up a bit more and accept (particularly when transition isn’t a reality for them to face) that for someone going through it that it can at times be difficult.
Still I learned to grow a thicker skin and not listen to uneducated opinions from people and reminded myself of one simple thing. I wasn’t transitioning for anyone else I was doing it for me.
This has possibly been one of my best and most selfish acts I have ever done in life, but I am glad that I have chosen to do so.
I am now starting to feel truly happy within myself for the first time ever. So if I have experienced strange sideways comments or people projecting their own anxieties and feelings surrounding transition on me, to be honest I am reaching a stage where I don’t give a f*ck anymore what other people think.
The life I lead is my life. It’s not about being apologetic about who I am nor am I going to conform to things that pleases other people but not me. I have to put my needs first in terms of how I execute things personally.
I had a habit before of listening to other people’s doubts on things and subconsciously reacting to them. When I realised that I was doing this I started changing it.
A classic one is “You’re not going to take hormones are you?” “I think you’re fine as you are?” or my absolute favourite “I think you should be happy being a butch woman”.
The butch comment particularly irritated me as even when I was a lesbian I was never butch. I was masculine but never ID’s as Butch. I see it as being just as offensive as telling a Butch that they should be a femme or something along those lines.
Identity is a very personal thing and I get so irritated with people making assumptions based on what they are comfortable with.
All of these loaded questions I have heard since I started transitioning do have moments where it irritates me. Some people really need to realise that me transitioning isn’t about them or their comfort levels.
Seriously, these same people should try feeling stuck with body parts that shouldn’t be there or have assumptions foistered upon them on a near daily basis then we can have a conversation based on how someone ‘should’ live their life or what is comfortable.
Especially when it’s someone who hardly knows me!
I like to think that I am accepting of how people live their lives so do get irked at people thinking that they have the right to make judgements or projections about how I live mine.
To be fair though there are people who do make the effort to try and understand or show support just by being their lovely warm wonderful selves, and people who have been honest about not understanding much.
I would never condemn someone who doesn’t understand as long as they have a respectful attitude and a wanting to understand. I feel there is a positivity in that. As one thing that I do acknowledge is that every transition is an individual thing and what is ok for one person might not be for another.
As long as people don’t assume and just listen then I am happy.
One thing is for sure, now I am physically changing I do feel a sense of more emotions starting to knock about coupled with a toughness that I didn’t feel so much of before.
I’ve always been very honest about emotions, without that it unsettles me. I know that as people we are a lot more conscious than we make out we are. Some of this is to do with our relationship with honesty but particularly with ourselves.
I’m not the most amazing person on the planet (no one actually is) but I know I can be honest with myself about why I have done something or why I behave in certain ways. For example I know that right now I get more cranky than I used to but this is down to two reasons: 1. I don’t take as much crap as I used to from people. 2. The T has given me a considerably shorter fuse.
Knowing this I now try and manage it so I don’t become too much of a snappy man. I have also become aware of things that trigger me.
If I wasn’t honest with myself or others I would continually be making the same mistakes.
I don’t think I am perfect nor do I tend to think overly positive things about myself and I think because of that it puts me in a mindset where I feel I am a continual work in progress.
This is what prevents me from becoming complacent.
I am excited about celebrating my Birthday tomorrow, and taking a moment to look back and see how far I have come, from the sunny afternoon in a big house a-top a hill in Berkeley, California.