Thursday, 6 October 2011

Mr Monty

I've been enjoying the heatwave we have been experiencing. This is a sign that climate change isn't just a new buzzword it is real.  Yet with many things, why is that something so wrong can feel nice? Still there will be snow and rain soon enough so I think the purchase of a lightbox shall be needed asap.

A good friend of mine got married last Saturday and I gave her away.  I felt really happy to be able to do so.  Also with it being a church wedding there was a bit more protocol than what a registry office would have asked for. It was an interesting experience and was really nice to have been able to walk with my friend down the aisle.

She has been a very good friend of mine for the last 7 years. I don't have many friendships where I consider someone to be a constant.  We also don't have a heavy sentimentality with one another but there is a nice base of care that we have always had with each other.  Even if we have been spiky and sarcastic with one another, we've also been there for one another.

She has really been there for me on many occasions.  When I have had break ups and been crying or got to some odd hour of the day and felt shitty or felt that no one has cared she has been one of the first people on the phone or she has come over and we would drink vodka sometimes or just tea musing about life and she would listen to me moaning about life.

She has also been good at listening but encouraging me to look at a situation from another perspective too.

Those traits in a friend are hard to find and I never forget things like that.

She has also never gone on about the fact that she has been there for me or anything like that.  I do admire modesty in a person quite highly.

I also really like the person she has married. He is very sweet and caring but also a very strong character. I do see a good match where they are both concerned.

I did a speech during the reception too which apart from me having a bit of a shaky hand (it is a pain in the arse having a slight nerve dis-balance on occasions like this)I felt I did well.  I had a lot of people telling me that they liked my speech and I wasn't too cruel to the bride or groom as I didn't want to give a speech whereby they felt attacked or humiliated.

Also I was taking into account that the bride didn't have any family over but through the use of Skype they were able to be present. I thought this was a sweet touch.

I also signed their Wedding Certificate too and this was one of the first things I have signed officially as mr Montgomery, so in a slightly childish way I felt like a grown up.  I passed well in front of the priest too so that was a relief all 'round.

Since taking the Testosterone I seem to be passing better than I did before.  Perhaps it is slightly psychological but I think I seem to have a much easier time of feeling and being the man I am rather than feeling that I am having to overcompensate or have to 'perform'.

I do feel that having less feminine hormones really helps as well.  Especially when I am close to having a period.  I get less cases of being mistaken for female than before, and this does add to my confidence.

There are still other areas confidence wise that I want to improve upon, but at the same time there are also a few obstacles in place there too which I am trying to overcome. But then this is a reality for anyone in transition.

I have been reflecting on this quite a bit lately.  I have been in and out of depression over a number of things.  I have dealt with and overcome quite a few things in my life. Some stuff hasn't been easy and there are some things that I am still working on.

I believe in managing bad shit as best you can otherwise you will be held prisoner by negativity or by certain repetitive patterns continuing. I also try and be as good a person that I know I can be.

I might be a lot of things but I try my best to be kind, caring and considerate wherever possible.  I hate letting people down or upsetting them.  If I hurt someone I feel terrible afterwards.

Yet I have to remind myself not to over-punish myself too as a fact is that if someone upsets me I know they won't think about it as much as I would do if the situation was reversed.

I do wish I had a better grasp of not giving a shit sometimes, but I do.  With that in mind I have to work to a framework that allows me to remain level, balanced and fair.

Although it must be added that sometimes life isn't fair.  But what helps is to sometimes look for a middle solution that means a person doesn't end up feeling aggrieved or agitated because life is kicking them in the face and not for the first time.

I have a few issues at the moment that I am trying to manage as best I can.  Unfortunately all of it involves some element of compromise and patience which isn't really that fair in the grand scheme of things but at the same time I have to grit my teeth and get on with it.

I always find a workable solution for most things so there will be a way to work around one or two things but some of my happiness feels slightly that it will be going on hold. Like a lot of stuff in life, what is right doesn't always leave a smile on everyone's face.  But doing what is right is paramount to me and not to just act in my own interests.

Especially when being human means that biologically we are already a very selfish species.

Still the intention to try not to be selfish and to try and be considerate where possible I think is a good start.

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