Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Half-Time

I have 5 weeks to go until I have my next shot.  I don’t feel that I ‘need’ another shot right away but I do feel like something is missing.  Right now my hormone levels feel somewhat confused anyway.  I should have come on my period by now, but I haven’t.   Instead I feel very pre-menstrual and tired.

The feeling of female hormones trying to do their job is a bit confusing. I alternate between feeling the new feelings in my system to what were my old emotional patterns making a cameo appearance.

There are also other changes taking place.  Parts of me are getting broader and more solid. I have paranoia that I am getting fat.  I feel that I don’t know my body anymore and fortunately people tell me I look good, which is affirming that this is a good change.  I know that I am still getting used to it.

I used to be big (as in overweight) and in getting used to having a new body from that, having a body change again that changes the shape is a bit confusing for my brain to handle.

I still see the heavier version of me looking back in the mirror. I don’t see my new shape so well, nor can I relate to how this new body works.

Having had negative self-image issues for a while now I can’t stand where some of my feelings are veering towards.

It’s not all bleak but I know I need to keep working hard to stay trim and to work to keep a body shape that I am comfortable with. I definitely intend to keep my physical exercise levels high, not just for health benefits but also one side effect of not smoking every day and the T is that I am a lot hungrier than I used to be. 

As a point of common sense it is worth my while to exercise more. That way I know I have done something rather than nothing to try and keep the body shape that I want. With time I know that I can keep to working on my goals.

I also have a lot of thoughts in a working capacity on my mind right now. There are things I am actualising there too.

But right now I don’t know if it’s the change of season kicking in or other recent events (that I am leaving out of this blog) but I feel exhausted. I have fantasies of eating a massive bowl of soup and then falling asleep in a cave and not emerging until March.

In reality that won’t happen, but time is flying by and my feet don’t appear to be touching the ground any longer. I feel that I have wings strapped to my back but I don’t know where to go next, so currently I am hovering and waiting. Whilst wanting something but I don’t know what.

During this wait for what feels like an epiphany I can feel something dying inside of me right now.

In some ways I think I am a little bit sad at the moment, only I don’t cry, nor really want to and I feel now that it is harder to express myself in the ways that I used to.

Perhaps it is down to hormones, but at the same time I don’t want to put everything down to that, as that would be too easy. Some of this is definitely me changing too. As is my desire for quiet and near silence.

Only if a sound is meant to be loud or from a baby then I seem to have compassion or tolerance for it. Otherwise my mind switches to wanting whatever it is to shut the f*ck up.

I’m still feeling pretty much with everything right now that I am on my way to a party rather than being there. This involves my work too.

It’s all about preparation for this, that or the other.

Future thoughts, thinking about tomorrow, next week, next month or even next year.  It’s great in theory.  It offers some security. My only gripe is that I don’t feel that I am living for now.

Everything I do is almost like completing a To-Do list. It’s about slots and then time running out. The time left to enjoy that moment seems to evaporate rapidly.

I say this as I don’t feel much like I am ‘me’ right now but someone who is acting as a spectator of other people’s lives. The sad thing is my internal silence is making me feel more and more at a distance from people.

Particularly as I don’t feel I can articulate so much what I do want or what I would like to do. My thoughts have become set into what is happening next. I know it’s just a phase I am going through but I want to stop floating.

I also want to feel that I can speak and express myself without feeling some sort of blockage. It’s a strange tension that has started to emerge, especially when for the most part I am surrounded by people in which I can talk freely with and they listen without judgement.

But it must be said I do like seeing my counsellor too. I feel I have a channel that is completely safe and won’t leave me feeling that I have to take other people’s feelings into account or worry that I might sound like I am moaning too much or might say something that will offend.

Especially as my sense of tact right now I feel isn’t as good as it usually is. Yet sometimes it is an awkward position to wanting to express what it is I feel yet not run the risk of offending someone.

Yet I have become tired of feeling that the first compromises in many situations have to come from me. Compromise is an important part of life and is a key step in creating sustainable harmony. But sometimes I feel that I over-compromise. If such a thing exists, especially when it seems that everyone around me gets their needs met or gets what they want out of life, but I have to do a lot of things to fit in with what everyone else wants or needs.

Still these are some of my feelings, I am hoping to make sense soon. Failing that there’s always Christmas or some other anti-climax to pin these hopes upon.

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