Friday, 14 October 2011


Over the last few days I have had many things on my mind, and even from my last blog post and some of the comments that I read on my facebook page has given me a few things to think about.

Firstly, I will try not to write a blog entry when really pissed off. As certain points might not be articulated in quite the way I intended them to. Also one or two things said in heat of the moment might in fact inflame a situation further.

I consider myself a peaceful person, so within that I don’t actually go out of  my way to upset of offend people.  I also remember that everyone can interpret things differently and not all the time will people have understanding.  Especially when certain things will never be a reality for an individual.

But I am sure people may have experienced similar situations, or not as the case may be. This is the way life goes. Interpretation is always going to be subject to some form of debate as people react to things differently and understanding can vary based on what someone’s experience of something is.

Since starting my transition everything has become a learning curve and I have found ways of doing it that works well for me. But within that context what has worked for me, might not be what someone else who was transitioning would want.

The fact is everyone (in transition) will interpret their transition in a different way to one another because in essence it is an individual and rather solitary process. For that reason I think this is part of the reason why people’s needs can vary as well as there being a situation which means that what works for one person won’t work for all.

Without this sounding dramatic or woe is me (as this really isn’t the case) people that are transgender are in a minority so therefore there will be situations that aren’t so clear cut in terms of spaces being available to them as well as the question of is it appropriate for them to be there?

When there is a grey area then it’s not so clear cut is it?

Since being in transition this is something I have been discovering more and more. I have started learning how to socialise differently as in many ways I am not a lesbian anymore. Due to the fact I identify as male and legally I am male now. Although I am still female bodied, as I haven’t had any surgery yet.

If anything I identify as queer, as that I think fits best as to who I am if I was forced to label myself.

I’m never going to be a straight man. Nor would I ever want to be that. If anything I love it when I’m out and people think I am a gay man. But I can see why people wouldn’t get this if I am holding my girlfriend’s hand or if she is kissing me!

Still, no matter how odd that might sound to the outside world, it works for us which I think is the most important part.
It isn’t a deliberate act, but I never did quite master how to fit solidly into one side or the other. But to be fair sometimes life doesn’t work like that.

The fact is I am getting what I want out of life for the most part.  I pass more and more, my voice is deepening and I am definitely getting closer to feeling that I am the person I have always been inside, but the difference is that physically I am starting to look like that person and will be taking more steps towards that.

If I feel that a situation isn’t right for me or makes me unhappy then I look into solutions. So that I don’t end up feeling trapped or miserable. I can’t stand whinging about situations (or listening to other people whinging about situations) where nothing has been done to try and remedy it. 

Still, these have been some of the things I have been learning. It has been great having a varied network of friends too, as this has enabled me to get many different perspectives in what feels like self-imposed chaos.

Changes are happening all the time right now and now the hormones are in full sing I sometimes feel a bit lost.  Although I am enjoying the changes taking place I am still adjusting to feeling that I am a guest where my body is concerned.

For the past 26 years I have been used to it working in a particular way. Now its all changing with the hormones, but at the same time it is fascinating too. I feel like a guest in my own body some of the time.

In a similar way, whenever I see the Boychild, he seems to be a bit different or has changed in some way. But each change is amazing to behold as it happens so quickly.

I remember when he was a little bundle and now he can stand, hold things and almost walk and talk and he is only 7 months! 

In a strange juxtaposition, I will be intrigued to see what has changed in myself when I would have been on hormones for 7 months. It isn’t so long to go and already I am starting to feel that there is a new raft of things waiting to happen with time.

My next injection isn’t until nearly the end of November so that does give me around six weeks…so now I am experiencing what it’s like to be halfway through one of my dosages.

To begin with, Nebido shots happen with a first shot, then six weeks later there is another shot and then after that the next ones happen every 12 weeks.

I don’t feel that I am missing anything, but I do find it interesting that on some days I feel that there is something releasing in me and other days I feel there isn’t much happening. It is swings and roundabouts where that is concerned.

But something I am starting to get used to as my body recognises some of what is going on.

I am looking forward to my periods stopping as I find them confusing if anything.  Especially because of the resulting PMT I sometimes get, as I don’t recognise it as that anymore.

Now I know when I am due on and its because I usually see an old lady on her own in a supermarket and for some reason it makes me want to cry. Yesterday I saw a woman who had no legs in a wheelchair and I felt really emotional about it.

Before I would have had watery eyes, but this time I didn’t. The T is definitely helping me to cry less, but it also makes me struggle to sometimes feel that I can talk about things easily.

I feel myself starting to get quieter.  In social situations I don’t always have the desire to speak any more. Even in my house that I live in, I don’t want to talk to many people a lot of the time.

But then some of that also boils down to the fact that sometimes people are loud, if they happen to have just been shouting or being really loud then I won’t be in a hurry to speak to them and sometimes I like to be in near silence.

I’m also feeling it when out as well.

But then there are people I am very familiar with I love talking to.  Perhaps some of this is about comfort.

Given that I used to live alone and now I am in a houseshare that is fairly large, I think some of my levels of comfort have changed. I did choose this but it is something I am still adjusting to.

Like anything that is a change, it will take some getting used to.

Followed by that other thing my life seems to revolve around…patience!

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