Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Friday

I keep wishing today was Thursday, although I know this week is moving at a reasonable pace. I managed to have a productive day and cleared through things I wanted to get on with and didn't flounder or get stressed which I have had on previous occasions lately.

I have been doing quite a bit of work that involves excel spreadsheet based applications recently and perversely I find them calming and almost comforting.  Data input allows my mind to switch off other parts of my brain that are sett on a continual whirring of making decisions and planning my next movements and feeling that I have to be strategic most of the time in order to actualise what I want to achieve out of the next few months and life overall.

I try to be the best I can and since I have found a better sense and appreciation of happiness it has been something that I have been cherishing.

I try not to complain - if I do so it will be because I feel I would have tried many ways to improve a situation. I am also in a process of remembering lovely things people have done for me over the last few months and years.

I think it's so easy to complain and be negative about what someone doesn't have but its also good to sometimes remember what you have got.  As well as remembering nice things people have done for you or remembering when you felt loved or cared for.

Maybe I am turning into a bit of a hippy but I have found since I have taken a slightly more positive approach I have been having really positive experiences and I feel that there is more respect coming my way.

But then it could be argued that this is born out of respecting myself a little more.

I'm so close to being in the body that I have always wanted to have that this is what makes me feel happy when I wake up every day.  Suddenly the rain, or the loud clumping of a housemate seems a bit insignificant when I look at the bigger picture. 

Tiny annoyances aren't life threatening.  The whole world isn't going to end nor will it ruin your life.

I am slowly learning to be a bit less black and white and because of that it is helping me enjoy what life has to offer a bit more.

Well unless someone is being an all out a*sehole then that is something I am learning to deal with in better ways as I feel stronger and more confident.

What I am about to say isn't intended as a "poor me" kind of post but in some ways since being young and perhaps a bit sensitive or seen as a bit of a soft touch that there have been certain types of people who have loved to have a bit of a pop or a jibe of the mood has taken them.

I used to feel really awkward and frustrated in situations like that, as I hate people having a go at me or labelling me or trying to pigeon hole me because of their own frustrations and insecurities.

I have grown tired of other people trying to almost defend the same people saying that I must trigger an insecurity in them or other bulls*it like that. I see it as b*lls*it because if ever I feel a bit insecure of threatened by someone I don't go out of my way to be horrible towards them or be smiling at them around people whilst doing really conceited things to them at the same time.

I keep my distance if anything.

One thing that taking hormones has brought out of me is a stringer side. I am not feeling very aggressive per se, but my tolerance for being a whipping post or a target for people to act out their b*lls*it has really gone down.

If I do something wrong I am very willing and happy to apologise and I expect the same. If someone won't or doesn't see that they need to then I distance from them and find myself not wanting them near me. 

By allowing that kind of person or situations near me I am not respecting myself.

I seem to be on a slight tangent but I finally feel happy and confident enough not to tolerate it anymore. I have stopped feeling a block and a sense of fear that something bad will happen if I don't stand up for myself.

It's not always about challenging something head on or locking horns at every available moment but just affirming in my mindset that I won't accept it.

I just to feel so small and depressed accepting crap before but now I feel so free in myself.

Today I had a day whereby I felt I was me. After Friday I know that I can have a clearer picture as to how long I need to wait for surgery and has the PCT approved funding yet?  I say this because some PCT's have policies whereby you can't see a surgeon unless your funding is approved and some only approve it if you have seen a surgeon.

Needless to say I will find out more what the score is in less than 2 days! Knowing that I am going there is affirming enough as this is real and now I can start thinking more solidly as to what will happen with surgery.  What sort of aftercare will I be seeking? Will I have gel and silicone patches? When will I take bio oil and arnica tablets?

Alongside many other thoughts that are starting to sink in.

It's so nice to feel that there is a shift starting to occur and my previous identity finally feels like a memory rather than a growth.

Following Friday I also have Vietnam to look forward to in a fortnight today as well as seeing the Boychild and writing some non-blog stuff and seeing friends, gym and playing squash. And spending time with E (Before she complains that I "never talk about spending time with her").


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