Sunday, 20 May 2012

Second Life

There is a lot going on right now and I am glad to report that it's nice things.

I had my appointment with Dr Yelland and it was great.  I made slightly inappropriate jokes on account of being a bit nervous but it all went very well.  I realised he is the only man I have really had my breasts out for which felt a bit perverse on some levels. But the examination took less than 30 seconds and I found it more amusing than distressing in any way.

I was lucky that day to be joined by E and by my wonderful friend L as well. 

I have a follow up appointment with his nurse in Brighton on the 22nd of June.  Which time wise is great as I see Dr Lorimer at Charing Cross on the 20th June and have a T--Club to photograph in between that.

I feel so happy that the surgery is getting closer.  I am hoping my letter from the PCT comes in before Wednesday too.

I phoned them and they said I should receive a letter regarding their decision for my surgery hopefully this week or when I return from my trip to Vietnam.

If this is accepted, 2012 will go down as the best year of my life.  I started it in Japan, I am off to Vietnam (and a night in Singapore) and the surgery should be happening time-wise around October which was when I was hoping to have it.

I love that this is becoming more and more real. I'm also well and truly into the swing of things T-Cycle wise. I can recognise a bit more when I am moody versus when it's the T that is having an adverse reaction to the way I am feeling.

Like any hormone it really can affect your moods. But I feel I am familiarising myself a bit more with it, and each little surge I get seems to fuel me. Yet I have no desire to have a more regular dosage of it as I like that it's gradual.

I am starting to notice the physical changes it is bringing to me and I am liking it.  I feel more that I am who I actually am rather than feeling that I am a work in progress or emerging in certain ways.  That isn't who I am anymore.

I feel less inhibited than I was and at the same time I feel much more confident and stronger than i ever felt before. I get less affected by what people say and do around me.

I do have some sensitivities and feelings left! I'm not just a ball of numbness but at the same time I don't get so bogged down with things in the way I used to.  I find it is such a liberating feeling to no longer feel weighed down by emotional baggage.

I feel more assertive too which has been really nice in terms of being able to assert myself and stick up for what I believe in without feeling riddled with guilt afterwards. I don't argue with people but I don't roll over as much as I used to either.

This is how I have always wanted to be, and I am finding it easier to communicate than I used to. I feel comfortable enough to stand my ground if I have to and also find a reasonable and peaceful way to resolve things if problems emerge as well.

I hate tensions and arguments with people, I also hate feeling dis empowered because I put myself in a vulnerable position or allowed myself to be taken advantage of.

I think the best thing that has happened during my transition is learning how to genuinely love other people as well as myself.

It's also nice to wake up and not look into the mirror picking at faults and imperfections within how I look before I have had time to have so much as my first coffee or tea of the day. It's nice to be able to leave the house not riddled with anxiety or feeling so depressed I wish I wasn't here.

It has taken a lot of work to get to this stage though and I will always seek to improve upon existing niggles as I will never be perfect but I can do my best to be a decent person.

Especially because now I am male. A lot of men within society haven't behaved well at all, especially towards women. I am not going to be one of those.I cannot stand prejudiced or behaviour which demeans and disrespects fellow human beings in a discriminatory way.

Realistically I am never going to be the best of friends with absolutely everyone I meet either.  Nor will I like everyone or expect them to like me but I think it's important at the same time to have a responsibility not to be unnecessarily cruel or nasty to others just because they might not gel with me. There are people that actually personality wise I can't stand but I just try and keep a healthy distance and try not to onvolve myself too closely to them or their affairs as it isn't going to serve any type of positive or productive purpose.

If something affects me directly then I know I have to find better ways not to feel trapped by that type of situation, but luckily I don't have that scenario in place right now so there is no point speculating about something that isn't affecting me presently.

I am excited about getting away with E and exploring new places together. For any of our faults or gripes either with one another or just with life, one thing we have always done well is travel together. I also don't think I will ever meet anyone who could love traveling more than her! Yet at the same time it's lovely to be with someone who sparks my enthusiasm for it too.

The more I travel the less insular I become in my views as being in different environments and having the privilege to be able to experience differing places, cultures and customs has helped me grow as a person.

I try and be as mindful about that whenever I go anywhere and not just see going away as something to cross off a vast 'To-Do- list where life is concerned.

Although one thing I can't wait for when I am healed from having surgery is to be able to put swim trunks on and swim topless for the first time and be able to swim in the sea without having wet breasts clamped to my chest.

The lovely thing is that this is no longer some pipe dream or something I am going to be waiting a number of years for.  This year it very much looks set to happen.

My second life is definitely here.

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