Tuesday, 17 April 2012

The Middle of The Tunnel

My referral for surgery is in the process of being written.  I had a productive meeting with my GP yesterday who shall be writing to the PCT and the surgeon which I have chosen.
My document from Charing Cross, had a few details in there which were contradictory to one another in certain places.  Also the 'Enclosed list of surgeons' wasn't provided to either myself or my GP. I showed her an email from my lead Dr at Charing Cross stating which surgeon I would like.  So at least she could see come of that communication and not just rely on a letter. 

The letters that come from there are slow. She has only just received my letter now and my appointment was attended in January. 

This was down to the Miss Leng Leng saga, getting a new GP because I was taken off the list at the previous place and now establishing a new relationship with my current one...

The process certainly makes me dizzy.

I am aware that these processes take time.  This is something that is a big part of life and also something which will happen, especially when things involve red tape.

What I do find frustrating is when there are things relating to the red tape come back with contradictions and inaccuracies. Particularly when it shall relate to going to PCT's to establish funding. It isn't an easy, and to be honest it makes me feel a bit stressed.

Since being stuck with the name of Miss Leng Leng for six months without any explanation or any answers as to why this happened, has made me feel quite jaded about having much faith in the system. Yet at the same time I am aware that I am lucky to have at least these options available to me. Many other people on a global scale aren't afforded these services, and I try not to lose sight of that.

I just feel a bit tired of some of this process, which I am positive I am not alone in feeling.

The categorization and the 'ticking of boxes' for numerous departments and agencies; I get it. Doesn't mean I agree with all of it though. I don't like that whenever I have an appointment on at my Doctors and my medical history is pulled up on the computer screen that it says in big letters 'Gender Identity Disorder' and when it was diagnosed.

I don't like the word 'Disorder' being placed on my records. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I am aware that changing gender may not be a social norm, but I am not the only person who is doing so.  Many people transition or are in the process of doing so.

Disorder has a negative connotation associated with it. I know I am different but I don't need to see DISORDER plastered all over my records every time I have an appointment. That type of categorization I find to be insulting.  Just as in some countries in order to get a new passport in chosen you are expected to be sterilized.

To be fair this is beginning to be challenged more and some countries are dropping this policy.  It still reminds me though that there is a bit of a way to go before better equality is reached.

No matter how long I have to wait or whatever bulls*it happens throughout this process, I know I have made the right decision where my life is concerned.

There are a million and one arguments as to why perhaps someone shouldn't transition, or other groups of people feeling affected by it on a personal level: "Why couldn't you be a butch lesbian?" "Do you hate women?" "Did you become a man to have a life filled with privilige?"

"Do you see yourself as a 'real' man?" "Does this mean you want to have a penis?" "Are you now straight?"

Yes these are valid questions and statements but at the same time how I transition and how I live is my business.

What I have or don't have between my legs is for me to know and whoever I shag to find out. 

Aside all of these questions, curiosities and sometimes what feels like people projecting their anxieties with statements started with "You're not going to have phalloplasty are you?" "You're not going to take testosterone forever are you?" "It must be difficult for your girlfriend being part of your situation..." and other things which after a while start to feel really insulting after a while.

I am not a freak, I breathe the same air as everyone else, the only difference is now at this point in my life I am a person followed by a but...

Still right now I am in the middle of a process and a little in limbo which is something that unsettles me. I am anxious about this next stage and if everything will go smoothly.  I hope there are no documentation cock ups and that I am communicated with without having to pester and fight all the time for answers about stuff.

This is something I will have to keep doing, but today I feel tired with the whole thing.

I am almost at the end of my last cycle and I definitely feel that my energy levels surrounding that are starting to burn off.

My energy shall pick up soon, but for the time being I shall keep to remaining on target with my current goals for now.

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