I had some correspondence back from Charing Cross gender Clinic, after what feels like an age. Since January 26th and now I had the name of Miss Leng Leng on my medical records and then I was struck off the GP register at my previous practice down to where I lived. I have since found a new GP who seems positive for the most part.
The practice nurse is nice as well. I outed myself to them and they have been very polite, helpful and relatively friendly. But I do miss my old Dr. He was really nice and I felt I had a different rapport with him.
Still I received a letter in the post last week that was what my new GP will read when she returns from Annual leave. It was a summary of my last session at the gender clinic. It's weird re-reading things relating to my health, significant life events, childhood, a few traumatising events that I thought I had forgotten, their classifications of my mental health and a bit of a clunkiness as I have a theory that voice activated software was assisting in the report being made.
The best one was discussing my adolescent years at school. Where I had mentioned that I had encountered a bit of a problem from a few cliquey groups of people the report stated that I had problems from 'Cliched groups of people'. I suppose it was right in one respect.
It's a bit difficult being a trapezium amongst the squares...one shall never quite fit in. I didn't want to, yet didn't like sticking out like a sort thumb either.
It also was reassuring to see in writing that I don't display "Psychotic behaviour or tendencies" as I think most would be relieved to see.
I know these assessments are required but I can't stand the feeling of being put under a microscope. I have never had any major mental health issues aside having clinical depression. Yet when you transition or have to interact with these psychiatric teams you are watched and asked very string questions. I also suppose when it comes to someone changing gender then they like to make sure it can fulfill some criteria somewhere that decides whether or not someone is making an informed or mentally sound decision.
I still hate that in order to transition then a gender identity DISORDER has to be diagnosed. I know this debate can be had until the cows come home but it does make me feel uncomfortable. It also isn't nice having it in big letters all over one's electronic records.
Yet I do remember and appreciate that to satisfy the powers that be and the levels of red tape and categorisation both medically and within society that the labels and the big letters are there for a reason.
As are the right boxes, the right pigeon holes and right categories.
It's a bit like pacman in terms of what path to take and how to goggle your way through the maze.
I have written a letter to my GP and will be having a consultation with her before she writes any referrals to the Surgeon that I am hoping to have. I also need to research a bit more as to what is the best approach as she is lovely but has never done this before so it would really be in my favour to have something to give her to speed up my referral.
Given the delay since Miss Leng Leng I am keen to make things move forward as quickly as possible, especially as I know which surgeon I would like. He accepts NHS referrals and that way the GP and Charing Cross can then move their attentions to the PCT as relevant letters and reports will be needed to go to them so I can secure funding for my surgery.
Especially since the new NHS structure has been announced. I also don't want to go another year in a binder. As I have been binding for coming up for three years now and that is too long. Also not good for my health. I am acutely aware that on a daily basis I am crushing my internal organs and the crampy feelings I get are there from binding.
Yet having a DD chest size isn't easy to hide nor can just be hid under a baggy t-shirt. So this is why some of my attentions have really switched towards sorting out stuff for surgery. The time is literally now.
I want to be able to swim. I don't want to hide away anymore or endure hot days whereby I am sweltering from having two binders on.
I am keen to complete.
Still a lot more patience, planning, positive thinking and trying not to feel frustrated shall be in order to make this happen.
In the meanwhile I will ignore the dripping tap sound I have in my head in terms of the waiting I am experiencing.