Friday, 15 June 2012

Empty Tank

It's all been happening this week, had a very positive email exchange with my Psychiatrist from Charing Cross who forwarded me a very good response that he written in appeal to the PCT.

He has really fought my corner in a very concise and considerate way but doesn't leave much wiggle room on their part. 

In some ways it's a shame it has to get like this sometimes, but saying that unless they do get strongly worded letters that doesn't give them much of a leg to stand on then for the most part they aren't very obliging to give people the treatments they require.

Especially since The Cuts has happened.

We can debate until the end of time about Entitlement and what it means to different people but at the same time for most of my adult life (minus a few years for Uni) I was working.  During my time at Uni I also worked a bit too, and since graduating I have been working.  Whilst working I have been paying tax.

Therefore I feel that I have been making some contribution into the healthcare services that I am requiring some care from.

I also did all of my social side of my transitioning first. I wanted to leave the physical attributes of hormones and surgery last).

It's now at the point where I don't want to go past three years of binding my chest.  It's not who I am.  It was fun and exciting at first but now I feel that it is a chore. I hate having to feel that I need to hide who I am or if I don't bind, feel freaked out and repulsed by myself. 

I should have never grown breasts or had ones that were so big naturally. I feel like a biological mistake has attached itself to my chest and that is something I am reminded by every day.

To feel this level of discomfort sometimes does get me down.  I never hide that fact.  But at the same time it's also about working out how to focus energy positively to not become bogged down by the imprisoned feeling that also takes place.

I distract myself with thoughts of the future or things to be working on, stuff to, cookery, photography, friends, family, love, sex...yet there is still always a void that sometimes creeps in. 

I'm not quite the person I am yet and until that comes everything around me is enjoyed and treasured yet at times it's as if some elements of joy become hollow in some ways as I am still not quite connected to who I am.

I am still stuck in the breast suit.

I feel happier than I was when I was legally female, but I know I need to push on to get further to who I actually am.  Having delays to this process makes me feel a little bit odd.

Not exactly a sad or depressed feeling, but it's more of a tired feeling.

I want to get some of this waiting phase over so I can concentrate on being.  Living, feeling a sense of completion.

I like consistency and a clarity.  Feeling uncertainty yet again just isn't helping right now.

Yet I know there are people with much worse situations, and that at least my case is being appealed and that I should remember every day that I should be greatful for the air I breathe or that I can progress on my journeys and reflect on travels but today I feel a bit battered by all of this and in some ways a little sad.

This is my life and not other peoples.

At the same time I will be making sure that I not only fight for my own rights but will make sure relevant complaints and letters are written so that for others this process gets a little bit easier, as other people have done before me.

I don't forget what other crap other people have had to go through with transitioning over the years and there is a bit more progress happening.

It's just that right now is a stressful time.

I have too many things occupying my mind.

My head is full of Work/thinking strategies for that/making things happen there...followed by thoughts surrounding feeling comfortable, positive, being a good friend or partner or child, learning, remembering to read more stuff, remembering to have fun and live a little, to work ways out of certain negative routines.

Eat healthily, work on keeping trim...

Life really is an endless to-do list.

Oh and to be kinder to self when week 8/9 of testosterone cycle happens, like right now.  My levels feel a if they drop and I find myself feeling somewhat lethargic and empty. My body feels a bit lost, as T usually gives me a certain level of energy and when it drops I do feel it missing somewhat in my system.

My hair is also bad right now so I know that when I do more stuff that makes me feel happy that helps.  Alongside knowing tomorrow is Saturday and I can have a mini lie-in.

I need a bit of peace and quiet so I can resume my busy levels.  Not only am I busy physically but a lot of this is busy mentally as well.

I sometimes feel that I want to put my brain in cold water so that I can chill everything down, but that right now is not an option.

The awful weather that we are beseiged with here in the UK is also not helping either.

Still not long until more adventures happen or more things are clear so that will be something to look forward to.

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