Comfort Zone

In the last week I think I have been pushed well and truly out of my comfort zone for a variety of reasons.

I had my appointment with Charing Cross, which went really well.  I saw someone before and that was really nice as I haven’t seen him in a while, and donated some binders to the MORF binder scheme.

My appointment covered the appeal letter which my doctor there has written, he has also been really good at keeping me copied in to any emails he has had with the PCT and was also firm with them when it looked like they were being reluctant to add his letter to my appeal.

He also added that in his opinion they were being especially difficult and that he would keep challenging them which did fill me with some hope.  It was also nice that he told me that I didn’t need to prove anything as I have a good case and I fit all the criteria’s that they look for.

It appears that in line with the cuts that they are clamping down. But also an annoyance is that they haven’t read my case properly.

I’m also getting my hormone levels monitored by the people at Charing Cross as well.  I had the pleasure of meeting the infamous Iffy Middleton, who really does live up to her reputation and is absolutely lovely. 

She gave me her card which had her mobile and direct email address as well, so that I can contact if I would like or need to.

For the next 3 weeks I shall be having blood taken to look at my hormone levels as my T-Cycle hits week 10.11 and 12.  This shall provide them with the correct data to see what my levels are and if I can start having my testosterone at weeks 9 or 10 instead of week 12 which I am currently on.

So this will be good to see how this comes out.  Also now that I am coming up for a year on T it is a good time to look at what my levels are with a good period of time to fall back on.

Right now I do feel exhausted a lot of the time. My moods have felt quite dampened by a lot of the stress I have been experiencing with all of this.

On Friday I had my second appointment with the surgeon’s nurse. It was quite a bittersweet moment.  She started off saying how excited I must be and how it isn’t long to go now until my surgery until I interjected that I had no date and my funding had been rejected.

She also seemed shocked and said that when things get to this case, this doesn’t usually happen. But I showed her a letter from Charing Cross as well as the PCT letter and she will get the surgeon to also write a letter for my case as well.

She also said that they will press ahead and make me a surgery date and apply a bit of pressure to the PCT. She did warn me though that this date might not go through, which I was aware of.

My friend K came with me to the appointment and I was very pleased she was there.  Having a close friend as opposed to a partner or family member can help take some of the emotion away from the surgery and also have a different perspective in terms of running through the procedure, the aftercare, how to prepare before and after and what I will need to do when I am healing.

She also informed me of possible complications and what I might need to expect in regards to scarring or possible nipple loss. They do have things to help if such a thing happens, yet at the same time it’s good to know and then have a realistic expectation of what will happen during this stage.

I feel really lost amongst all of this right now. I have no certainty so am not raising my hopes too much as I don’t see what the point in doing so is.

I can’t pretend to myself that everything is going to happen when I think it might as I have no guarantee on that.

I am just happy and grateful that I have support and medical support behind me against the obstructive forces that are the PCT.

I am trying not to take it personally that they have rejected my application.

The only thing I have against the health authority was calling me Miss Leng Leng for 6 months. That is something that they are at fault for.

The rest of Friday was nice, had some lunch then met with Fox, who appeared on ‘My Transsexual Summer’. His partner was lovely to talk with as well and I really liked his company.  I met some of his friends too and had a really lovely afternoon and evening, looking at some of his work, speaking with him and being in his company.

I returned to London later than planned but felt a nice energy coming from relatively positive outcomes at the clinic.

I went to bed as normal then a few hours later I woke up in agony.

I don’t think I have ever been in so much pain in all of my life (I am not being melodramatic either). I had a very sharp pain around where my diaphragm and liver is and felt like something was going to explode inside of me. It was so sharp and spiky that it was unbearable.

I wasn’t sleeping in the same bed as E that night so I had some water and went online to NHS Direct who after not being clear on what it could be (I was relieved it wasn’t the appendix as I didn’t know where it was) it said a nurse would call me in next 20 minutes. 

That time went by and I was still doubled up in pain.  I couldn’t sit up. I crawled to her room and asked her for painkillers as I didn’t have any in my room and she could see something was wrong.

I lay on her bed feeling more and more pain and in the end I asked her to wake up one of our housemates, H who is a nurse.

I would never normally wake anyone up but by now I was unsure what to do.  I didn’t want to call for an ambulance straight away as I thought that might be slightly over the top.

I wasn’t binding and I knew I was in incredible amounts of pain as the thought of her seeing my chest didn’t install a sense of fear or disgust I would usually have. She said we should go to hospital.

NHS direct phoned and said I should try an out of hours doctor or go to hospital.  E called an ambulance and they put us in touch with the out of hours doctor who said to go to hospital.

They wouldn’t send an ambulance but luckily H had a car and she went and got it and her and E took me to The Homerton.

By that point I looked a right sorry state, I was in pain I was feeling awful, but given it was almost 4 am by that point it was relatively quiet.

I was seen quite quickly and put on a bed which was useful. 

The had a few things happen which was like my worse nightmare happening, but luckily the pain I was in distracted me from this.

First they had to take an ECG – where little sticky things were stuck all over my chest and on my breasts and under them and they attached wire things to them to take a reading of my heart.

I am glad all was well with that as removing them afterwards made me feel revolting.  I also felt compelled to explain why I had breasts as obviously all of my records read as Male and in I come with DD breasts. Nice.

Then I had to have a something in my wrist which really hurt so they could take blood and although my nurse was a lovely chap, squeezing some of my arm shut in the band thing to get a vein up didn’t help.

But the final thing which just made me feel at my absolute worst was having a rectal examination.

It was very uncomfortable, and that coupled with having my belly prodded and poked was just the final thing which made me feel well and truly vulnerable.

My bloods came back showing I had good liver and kidney function and my heart was ok.  Had a urine test and that came back ok so that that was a relief.

I was given gaviscon and that didn’t have much change. Had more pain relief and that helped.

They took x-rays which also came back clear.

They told me to make a GP appointment as I shall need referral for an endoscopy and then following that will rule out to see if I have a stomach ulcer or anything like that.

I have never had pains like that before, and I wasn’t worried, just wanted the pain to stop.

I also felt revolting afterwards remembering the ECG and how irritating it was having to feel I had to explain why I had breasts and having to have things attached to them was just my idea of hell.

The next time I want to be in a hospital is when they are being removed.

On coming home E was very lovely and gently stroked me and was with me when we went to sleep in her bed.  When I woke up one of the guests in our house made food for us and E was around when I needed her but also did ask if I wanted any space so that was nice.

I slept lots and felt a little better so H drove us to C’s house as she had some of her art up and saw K and then went home and slept more.

Rest of weekend was chilled.  Did make it out yesterday as wasn’t in pain, but only thing I have noticed is that I don’t have as much energy as I usually do.

We gently walked a bit, got some clothes for a wedding we are attending next weekend then watched football!

Was quite a novel thing, given that E and I aren’t the most football inclined of people, but it was fun and nice to be with each other and some housemates and we woke up curled around one another.

I came out to Essex today to do some work and that has been going fairly well I just feel a lot slower than usual and feel tired.

I have managed to get a doctor appointment for first thing in the morning tomorrow and I will be then coming back to Essex as I have an all day training thing happening here for some stuff to do with the Website.

I will feel better soon, I know it.  Just taken note to myself to rest a bit more and find ways to be a bit less stressed too as I feel stress has definitely contributed to a lot of what is going on right now.