I can't settle right now.
Finding it hard to sleep, or make myself feel ok as everything feels like it's taking so long. I feel a mixture of determined, which sinks into feeling hopeless. There is definitely a rollercoaster type feeling in place right now.
I feel like I need space, yet I want attention, but then I just don't know what to do with myself. The slight melancholy I am in right now is definitely rendering itself well to Dusty Springfield.
It's really odd but in some ways I feel quite lonely in some respects. This is something that I think every person transitioning feels at certain intervals during transition, but I feel that some of this is also relating to changes happening as well.
I am 11 months into taking Testosterone, I am feeling far more physically male than before and therefore it is becoming quite distressing to find myself with some very female attributes that are there. I can't wait for the day I have sex where it doesn't feel almost like a male babooshka doll taking off many layers to see that I am now a male with large breasts.
It's gross. I find it hard to feel sexy sometimes when I become aware of that. I don't always want to wear a t-shirt nor do I want to as I don't want to detract from the closeness and intimacy I have with my girlfriend. I also hate the sensation of feeling my breasts jiggling around under material. That also squicks me out.
There is also a greater need not to feel that there are restrictions. I don't want to feel that there are parts of me that seem eternally no-go areas. It's not nice to feel that when I feel rotten that I become snappy or sensitive about someone coming close to me, when the very thing I want is closeness. Especially with someone I love, trust, desire and want to have as close to me as possible in an intimate situation.
If a postman or builder comes to the door early in the morning I don't want to have to stuff my breasts under a binder or find myself hiding behind a door hoping they won't notice, and feel that I am having to sneak around for the fear they will notice and then feel that I am weird.
An appeal has been written and I shall find out tomorrow if it's been sent or not. I am excited about that, and I am trying to be as positive and forward thinking with this. But this is starting to consume me a bit. I know already that the panel meeting for June has most likely passed so the appeal panel won't see my case until some time next month. Then following that it can take a long time before we are notified about what the outcome is.
I am seeing my surgeon's nurse this week, but again, the surgery there is hanging in the balance a bit in terms of when this can go ahead.
Then I think about people who don't have access to any of this, and have to live their lives in situations where they won't even get a chance to transition, and sometimes a slight guilt starts to happen. I think that I should just shut up or grin and bear it as there are people far worse off than me and why should I be so selfish thinking about my situation.
I start feeling that I don't deserve things or that I will never be happy and then I start to feel depressed.
I just need to feel that I am 'me'. I keep getting closer to that, I feel that I catch glimpses but for all the progress I do make then I feel that I also seem to be taking steps backwards as well.
My sensitivities have been popping up again too. I want to drink like a fish if I get the chance, but I do hold a little restraint at the same time, as obliterating myself or getting hammered isn't going to make anything better.
Luckily I only drink when in company, as I see it as a social thing.
I know what I need to do and what needs to happen, but right now my patience is starting to run thin. I like to plan and I like to feel safe in the knowledge that my plans can happen and that I can forge ahead.
There are some positives and that is I know that although things are a bit stressful right now, it is teaching me lots about life and how to apply better ways of dealing with something stressful for the future and for future situations.
The whole world isn't going to end and I am not going to collapse or give in too much to some of the negative feelings i am starting to have.
I have been making some positive progress with work stuff and new opportunities and ways of working things are emerging, so on some levels at least I feel one area is progressing and I am feeling something rewarding and motivating from effort put in.
The stuck in a moment feeling is just there a lot and I have to find ways to combat this as much as possible. It's like being in a fabulous house but there is a tap dripping and once you notice that sound it starts becoming more and more irritating because you know it's there and the continual background sound at times can become distracting.
This is a moment which will be overcome. I just want to feel at peace and that I don't have to be primed to push, fight and argue my case and in some ways to feel that I validate my existence.
I want to be me. I am reaching the point where I don't want things to be in relation to how I am progressing my transition or moving forwards but to have time to enjoy and be who I am.
This day shall come and I will find ways to be more positive.
In the meantime, work, focus, exercise, move and find ways to get everything moving in the right place.
I won't crumble under this, I am determined on that front. In my spare time I need to make sure that I make myself exercise more, or find positive distractions from this - I don't want to be anxious or turn into a miserable bastard. It's not nice on me or anyone else around me either and for that I am aware of that.
I also need to make the most of my Mum being around. September isn't that far away.