Walk The Line

A lot has happened over the past week. In some respects I wish I was still back in Vietnam, as I felt happy, full of sunshine and free in some respects.

I feel a mixture of many things right now. I feel positive and determined to fight my case with the PCT as I know I have a good case on my hands. I also emailed my psychiatrist at Charing Cross Clinic to inform him of the situation as I have an appointment with him next week, but thought it might be good to send in the letter to him so that he is aware of the situation.

I sent him a scan of the letter and he has said he will write to the PCT with an appeal and will also point out a few important factors that look as if they have been misunderstood or disregarded by whoever looked at my referral in the first place.

My GP is back tomorrow so am seeing her tomorrow as well.

I still intend to write to my MP as I think that there needs to be a better system in place when looking at cases that are sent in for referral that they are looked at by someone who knows what they are doing or in the very least have some understanding about what it is that a GP is requesting for a patient.

My letter stated that a masectomy was being requested yet it referred throughout to 'male breast reduction' which is a different procedure altogether.

There were a few other things that didn't make sense.

At least if it is appealed (which they are in process of doing so) it shall mean that the entire panel there will be looking at my case and not just one or two people.

This is what I think should be challenged, as in the long run it would be a bit more time efficient if the relevant people were looking at something correctly in the first place.

I don't feel stressed by it as much as I did. I just feel weird.  I feel as if I have failed somewhere along the line or that I am not going to be granted my surgery. With everything that has happened with the cuts I know that the NHS is different to what it was.  Therefore fighting and the right letters and the correct categories and even post code is required now all the time.

These are hurdles everyone has to face, I will fight as much as I can, but at the same time I intend to make a little noise about it as well. It's not about getting what I want from the situation but also to give something back. I want it to be simpler and less stressful for people in the future.

To be able to have a passport and hormones in my hands now are a positive sign and also someone else before me fought to make sure that I would have the access to these things and I try not to forget about things like that.

I would also like to see in the future better systems in place so that people like myself don't end up with embarrassing and incorrect names stuck to their medical records for 6+ months either.

This is one thing that is in process and such as many other situations in life, it means it is subject to waiting. I feel life is one big waiting room right now, and in order to progress its like being a living and breathing work in process.

I feel lonely once more.

I always get this feeling once changes are stagnating or that I have a stressful situation on my hands. I feel stuck in a body and life that isn't quite yet my own as someone else has power over what they shall assist me when it comes to my destiny and life plan.

I work hard with the stuff I physically work on, but unfortunately that is also in early stages so it's not going to yield me enough pennies straight away to be in a position where I can give two fingers to the NHS and go private.

If I had that kind of money available to me then I would do so in a heartbeat.

Still this has been a valuable lesson and a good awakening to work extra hard in life.  The harder I work, or more money I make sure I earn will mean I have more choices when it comes to what I do in terms of life changing plans.

My testosterone levels feel a bit like they have dropped too, and the weather isn't helping my moods.  I feel a bit low. Part of me wants to curl up into a ball and cry, whereas the other part of me feels like I have been walloped around the face.  There is some spark left in me and what motivates me is the thought of fighting and making myself feel strong again.

The more I fight the more motivated I feel, it just requires energy which I feel a bit low on. I also want the lonely feelings to stop because in reality I have friends around me, some family and a partner.

It's not like I am completely alone so I am trying to identify where these feelings are coming from.

I am processing at the moment that in a few months my Mother will be moving abroad in next few months. I felt a bit odd about it at first, but at the same time if I was in her shoes, I would do exactly the same.

I will miss her, but at the same time I know that this is the right thing as well. I also know with how much I like to travel and will travel, that I don't think it's right that she stays somewhere she isn't happy when she has much better opportunities for her that are further afield.

It would also be massively hypocritical of me to try and stop someone doing something to improve their life and feel happier just because it would fall down to convenience as to how close they are physically to me.

I am almost 30 years old and I think I am old enough to stand on my own two feet.  Also, where my Mum will be shall make visiting the Far East and rest of South East Asia a viable option and a great stop off point.

I am very excited for her.  Especially given my recent trip to Vietnam and a night in Singapore.  I felt closer to her in some respects and definitely felt like I understood her a lot better in others.

She spent some of her formative years in Malaysia, with frequent visits to Singapore and Hong Kong.  In some ways I see her leaving as a homecoming for her.

I found myself thinking that with transition it gave me the opportunity to be the person I always felt I was and fundamentally it has left me feeling happy and has appointed me a sense of freedom.  It has also reminded me that if there are some aspects of life that you aren't happy with then we do have the power to change it.

You just need the right motivation to do so.

I used to be fat but now I am not.  I used to be female and this is no longer the case.  I wanted to change these things about myself so that I could live a life that I felt is who I truly am.

It is scary sometimes but at the same time living and feeling that I am being true to who I am is much more liberating that feeling I am weighed down by layers of bullshit.

I am far from being anywhere perfect but at the same time where I have had situations whereby I have messed up, caused pain or felt pain I have tried to learn from that experience. I loathe hurting people and therefore have found ways to learn and grow from past mistakes.

Of course I might make mistakes in the future but on the whole I try and keep a positive awareness of my actions and not to cause crap wherever I go.

I have zero respect for people that make the same mistakes continuously (that hurt other people) or cause the same drama and same upset to people on a continual basis. This reeks of laziness.

It takes guts to look at oneself and not just try and please the ego with what we see.  It leaves me feeling quite speechless as to how egotistical some people can behave and how unwilling they are to change their ways and approach to others even if it means that they start behaving in a negative way or continue to upset people in their very own cycle of destruction.

I don't understand that.

Maybe I am being a bit judgmental but so be it. I respect the ways of others but I also keep my own opinions and principles too. 

This is after all what makes us all different and diverse to one another.