Time

I would really like to know where time is going right now. Today I found myself thinking as to where the weekend went ? Although I did lots I feel as if I have blinked and been propelled straight back into another week with another set of issues.

Still, the weekend was pleasant enough, but for me the highlight of my weekend was going on a sushi making course which my lovely girlfriend was kind enough give to me as a birthday present. It really was an amazing afternoon, and so nice to be learning something as well as getting to spend time in a kitchen. It was also really fascinating to learn about sushi and I have already started thinking of ways in which I will make some in the future.  I also really, really liked using the big knives and the precision needed. It was quite calming to cut things neatly and would be something near meditative if done so in silence.

I think in a few years time when all of my current projects are off the ground I would like to so something part time that involves working more with food.  Or perhaps I need to move house sooner, get a bigger kitchen and experiment more?

Amongst all of this there is a familiar theme and that is being patient and having to wait. I am waiting for Charing Cross, waiting for a few other emails to do with work for people to get back to me, waiting before I play squash tonight, waiting for a few feelings to change...waiting.  Waiting to wait, waiting waiting on waiting.

I feel patient enough, yet there is the slight in flux feeling that I am experiencing and that feels strange. I have also found myself increasingly consumed by differing feelings recently. There are some decisions I have to make soon as well as take a deep breath and jump. But in all honesty I don't know where to start.

I need to jump, I need to push myself...Like a giant finger waving at me telling me to "do this" an "do that" only there is a part of me that is frozen. I feel that is the side that is waiting, only I am now waiting for myself.

It's bizarre and I didn't know I would think or feel any of this.  It does feel like unidentified areas are revealing themselves and a part of me feels clobbered. I don't know if I am picking energies from other sources here but I can't quite rationalize what exactly it is.

I see potential, excitement and all sorts of great things that can happen. Yet there is something inside of me that can't connect with a lot of things right now. I feel quite isolated in some respects and again it all comes back around to waiting. With the right time and the right moments, whatever isn't working will reveal itself. Still I have to do this alone and I will.

I don't resent waiting, nor do I feel any negativity to other people. I'm just finding it difficult to feel that I am as connected as I was. But rationally I am stepping further away from my old life. Therefore the new life will feel unfamiliar.