Saturday, 12 February 2011

V Day is coming...

What does love mean to you?  This has been something of which I have been pondering slightly, and I think especially as Valentines Day gets closer. That is the reminder that there is a forced sense of romance coming anyhow.  But regardless as to whether you like it or consider it to be a 'Hallmark Holiday' we as people do like to celebrate and experience love - in whatever manifestation that it shall place itself in.

I consider myself a fairly romantic person in some respects. I don't think I need to write poems declaring my love on a daily basis, nor do I have to do unimaginative things such as send cuddly toys or send heart shaped pictures of everything to someone I have feelings for, but I like to feel that there is a warmth from relationships I have.  I only tell someone I love them if I mean it and also I know I love someone when I can push away any hang ups surrounding intimacy and emotional exchange.

If I tell someone I love them, it's a big deal.  I don't use the word lightly, and never say it unless I know I feel it.  I find this is a slightly more honest way of doing things. 

I think to truly love someone you can openly and happily say it without it being littered with complications or treating someone like they are a secret or that there is a weird connection to begin with.  Maybe I am slightly primitive in my thinking but I think if someone wants the right to make demands on another person, or have boundaries set out for how they interact with others, then if its because someone does love another then they should have the balls to say so and to demonstrate as such.  Otherwise I see a weird game of control being played out.

Still that is also the romantic in me preaching slightly.  But I do think if you truly love someone then there shouldn't be a problem in openly acknowledging that, as I think it's important to be proud of who you are with. Or the people you are with if that is the case.

But people express love differently.  I am fast learning this.  Some people do it by gesture - be it small or big it is a person's way of individualising their expression.  I have a friend who definitely shows his love for people in the way he cooks.  It is amazing seeing the intricacy and intimacy that stems from his expression on a plate and for the entire experience you receive when you are in his company.

My own Mother does the same if she is cooking me my favorite things.

E is very vocal about expressing herself but she also does so through gestures.  

I do the same. I also like to make sure I remember things that are special to a person, such as a time or place.  If I know they haven't experienced something before that I think they would like and where possible I try to facilitate that happening. But another thing that I have become acutely aware of recently is how well do I express myself to others?  Also do I let people know I care enough?  Its tricky sometimes especially when I know I have moments where I find it hard to feel warmth from other people so I don't know in some ways if I have been doing a good enough job of expressing warmth back.

This is where some other aspects of love can become slightly tricky and that is does intention meet the actions? I really hope it does but at the same time it is sometimes a case of wait and see. As long as the intention is there and there is an honesty then I think we can't go wrong with that as a starting block.

Although I have to admit there are some things to do with love that scare me - being close to people emotionally and physically can be difficult sometimes yet I do know if I meet people where there are strong feelings then I can and am willing to push those feelings down and will take a risk. But the other thing I don't like about feeling romantically inclined is that sometimes I feel certain things magnified if I feel a sense of disharmony emerging.

I also hate how crap I feel if I upset someone I really care about, but fortunately that doesn't seem to happen too often so am quite lucky in that respect. But at the same time no one's perfect but I think it's good to learn from past mistakes. But at the same time I think it's wise not to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.

But again I respect and acknowledge that people will do things differently.  I am by no means trying to be self-righteous but at the same time I know that I have been working hard to transform myself.  This is something still in process and as T said to me recently transition is 'an evolution' and I really understand what he means by that.

The main thing I concentrate on at the moment is trying to remember what I am and what I am not.  I have had to be honest internally about so many things over the past year and even in the last couple of weeks.

I am very excited about getting my deed poll documents and doing the name change.  After it has become more official in the sense that I have new post and new bank cards I shall then plan a party to mark that.  I have a few ideas up my sleeve as to what I would want to potentially do and like a true queen I am not sure if I would mark having my new name as my second 'birthday' or mark September 18th as a date that I started transitioning.  All of the dates will be special to me and I suppose I don't have to decide as of yet so will just see what feels right.

I also have to work on using a new signature too as currently I keep getting lost as to what to sign! Or how to sign.

So far L.Monty is something I am growing quite attached to.

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