Saturday, 30 July 2011

The Waiting Game

Tuesday was shot day. E came with me to which I was really happy about especially as I felt so nervous. I didn't know what to expect other than it would hurt and maybe I would feel sick after wards.

In reality yes it did hurt as it felt tender then felt like fire on the spot where I had been injected.  Then it started stinging. I had a bit of a John Wayne hobble for a lot of the day but found that it interchanged between stinging, acing then feeling ok.

The last couple of days it has been a little tender and feeling more like an insect bite than anything else.

Other that that I don't have much else to report. My throat has been feeling a bit thicker, I have found myself needing to clear my throat more than before but that's been about it. I have started to grow in certain places which was a pleasant surprise, but haven't felt it as such but have noticed it.

One side effect I was concerned about would be libido increase. I thought this would be quite instant but I feel pretty much the same. If anything I think my horn levels have dropped slightly - but I think this is down to being busy and tired. I don't feel as scared of this happening as I used to as I have been learning how to manage a high libido for quite a while.

Even on especially horny days I don't have the desire to hump everyone and everything in sight. If I am to have sex I want it to feel like there is some form of meaningful exchange.  If I need quick relief I see to myself.

I used to have lots of one night stands and I am not anti it at all. But right now I want to get used to the changes in how my body is starting to change and is going to change.

I feel sleepy a lot of the time which is a feeling I wasn't expecting but I also think my body will be going through an adjustment stage of getting used to what is going on inside of it.

I have started doing some training. To which will help and will be good in working to change the shape of my body. I want muscles and to have nice definition and given I don't have an athletic background I know I will need to do some work where that is concerned. Weights, squats abdominal exercises will pay off in the long run...even if I find that type of exercise tedious and boring.

I am also determined to be able to do pull ups by the end of the year.  So for that I will continue to do exercises that mean I can start doing those as well.

This is what I like about setting goals, as I work my hardest to achieve them.

So far my goals for this year are being met or are about to be met.  This offers me structure and security to know where some things are at.  On a personal note 2011 has had more than enough curve balls to play with. I now want to find armistice somewhere amongst what has at times been emotional debry.

Still life does change and things like family and relationships if they are important to you shouldn't be taken for granted. It sounds all so simple doesn't it? But it's true. 

I have made it my personal goal to make sure I show people around me that I care about that I appreciate them a little more and try not to focus on negative things.

Earlier on this year I did become quite ill in some respects.  If I was to describe some of the depression I was experiencing it was as if my heart became slightly engulfed - turning a red heart, black. I found it hard to say many positive things to the people around me or to clearly see positive things.  It was difficult to sometimes remember when things were super rosy.

To be fair some of it was depression and some of it was because a few bad things started happening. Like with all things you sometimes have to go through it to come out of the other side. I look at what is good in life and that is because I started focussing my energies into things I knew that could make a difference.

I hold a similar opinion to this now with work, and with how I see other people. I have to find ways in which to use the energy and resources I have to keep my sphere a harmonious one. There is no point in letting everything slip away when I know I can change things if I want to.

Since I confronted what was making me scared it gave me confidence and power to start putting changes in for myself and I did find that blocking out what I thought other people thought about things was a wise option for myself.

Especially where transition is concerned. It may sound a bit harsh but with regard to things that effect my body and my life I can't have my first thoughts being based around people close to me but it actually has to start with would I want or be comfortable with something I want to put into place.

I am pleased that from consulting with Dr Curtis I had a choice as to what testosterone I would be taking and how I wanted to take it and when. These are things that are important to anyone and also a great way to feel a sense of independence and assertiveness as to who I am.

Naturally if I started displaying behaviour that was upsetting people close to me or if I started acting like an arse then I would want to be told but those close to me would tell me, so on that level I feel a bit more safe.

I am changing inside, I feel that but also emotionally there are parts of me that are changing. So far it is feeling nice.  I don't feel as anxious as I used to feel but am awash with a new energy at the moment which is lovely.  It's a similar energy I felt to when I first started binding and a feeling of closeness emerging to the shell and who I had always longed to be internally.

Still there is work to be done as part of phase 3.  I can't wait for the day that I have surgery rather than feeling I have gel packs squidged to the front of my chest. But like everything else it involves hard work and determination.

1 comment:

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