Tuesday, 9 August 2011

The Great Escape

E and I decided to come here for a few days especially as she is starting a new job this week and needed some time for a little break ad some ‘shunshine’ as she would say. It was also a really nice way to mark being together a year and a half as well.

I hate to admit this but she was right. It’s amazing how much the soul smiles once it has been topped up with a little bit of Vitamin D and just being able to do things in a way that takes you a million miles away from London.

In London it is all about have to do this or have to do that and never having enough time to do anything.  In the week leading up to going away it was a busy period. Even whilst being away there has been a whole load of interesting happenings occurring. There is a lot to think about and consider now I am back in London. I also have to focus all of my attentions to some projects that I am working on. I need to be full steam ahead – especially as I need to make some modifications to some projects that are in progress and ones that are about to start.

I don’t feel scared though just excitable if anything.

I am also now on week 3 since I had my Nebido shot and there have been a few changes starting to happen but its all gentle and nothing that is being too scary or that has taken me by surprise.

Some of the horniness has started but I mostly find that every morning is when I feel at my most horniness. As long as I have some form of orgasm then I am fine for the rest of the day.  Will see how this progresses.  But the thing I have felt is that I have never felt such a physical ache as I do now T is in my body. I feel mentally horny as much as I did before but now I sometimes feel like my groin has taken on a life of its own.

Still given that I have always had a very high libido it is something that isn’t too much of a shock to the system nor is the way it is manifesting itself feeling too uncomfortable. The only notable things are that there are noticeable changes to the shape and I do feel like I have new genitalia.

But overall since I had the Nebido shot I feel very mellow. I don’t get as stressed as I used to and I also feel a stronger inner calmness that I haven’t had in a while. Maybe this is coinciding with how I am feeling mentally too. I don’t know but I am enjoying it while it lasts as I haven’t felt this good in a long time.

Whatever is happening on the inside I am feeling less empty than I did before. I am taking things easy with this and will see how I feel after my second shot, which I am due to have in a few weeks.

I feel that I am getting closer to the person I feel I am on the inside. I am due for my first Charing Cross appointment in two weeks as well which I am looking forward to, especially as the wait for that has felt like an endless eternity.

On a positive note I have entered their system under my new name, gender and when I have my first appointment I will be able to show bank statements, payslips and a passport that is in my correct name and my correct gender.

All of this signifies now to me (as well as legally) that I am ready to transition physically hence why now I have started taking hormones. I needed to wait and concentrate on the social side of transitioning before I was prepared to embark on the physical side of things.

As I felt that for me I had to be sure and didn’t want to end up adding to any other areas of dysmorphia that I already have on a physical scale.

Which does bring me to another thought and decision and that is my chest really has to go. Seeing them feels like I was placed in the wrong body.  Also with other changing parts of me I find being naked a really interesting yet twisted experience at the moment.

I feel like I have been placed in the wrong body or that the ‘shell’ that I inhabit is like a cocoon. The body with breasts might as well be a walking womb. This is perhaps why the only elements of female anything left inside me does do its best to nurture and care for the boy that is developing inside of it.

Perhaps I am starting to sound slightly like a freak, but this is one of the best ways I can describe how I feel.

The way I feel about having breasts is like being born with feet where your ears should be.  They don’t belong there. They don’t belong on me.

Other parts I can handle, and I am comfortable about. I am not fussed about what is or isn’t between my legs as I can have both and I like having both. I am definitely gender fluid in that respect.

I am planning on keeping up some form of exercise routine too to strengthen the body as well as try an keep having any elements of a female shape to a minimum as well. I want to be a slim man. Not super skinny but slim.  Especially as I have a long torso. 

I have found myself looking at men in a whole new different light and still style wise, adore men who look gay and are gay. The only thing is that I am into girls but not in a wanting to be straight way.

This is something that is gorgeous about being queer. I like that it means you do like who you like based on how it works rather than it having to either be so defined by gender.

If a someone male and female have a relationship it doesn’t automatically mean that they are straight. Same applies to same sex relationships.  It’s an identity and also means that you might find yourself mixing in certain circles more, but overall how I see it is that we all mix in spaces down to personal choice and what is comfortable rather than down to politics.

Perhaps I speak for myself on that score. 

On writing this since we have returned it has been rather shocking to read and see on the news the Riots taking place in London.  Especially as a lot of it is right on our doorstep.  So far I am hoping that there will be some resolve and that the riots stop. I commend people defending their shops and the efforts being taken to try and contain what has been happening. 

I don't know what there is to be gained from smashing up things and looting. I am also starting to think what is going to make people stop.

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