Saturday, 27 August 2011

Lion King

I think yesterday marked what was one of my first T-Surges but in more detail one that made me feel really angry and verbally aggressive. I don't like to admit this but at the same time I like to be honest.  Also this is a side effect that has been spoken about but I feel in some people has been hyped and I don't want people reading scare stories about side effects of testosterone. 

Although I think it should be noted that each and everyone's experiences will be diferently, bt still we should try not to generalise where possible.

Yesterday was exactly a month since I had my first Nebido shot and perhaps a bit more of that oil has worked through my glute as I felt like I had ragey PMT but mixed with wanting to roar like a lion. I also completely lost the plot over someone making a fly away remark on my facebook...although to be fair I hate if I feel someone is trying to make a negative remark or a dig for the sake of it, especially if I am not very close to them.

I ended up removing what was put up on my wall in the first place which was a shame as it was a nice post from E, but I felt so wound up about what followed that yes I flounced and pressed delete.

I am feeling heightened sensitivities lately too. This isn't an excuse for being very grouchy but I have been figuring out why I have moved from feeling a lovely calming zen type vibe to feeling like I wanted to go in a boxing ring and go head to head.

I am not by default an aggressive person.  I hate arguments, I don't like shouting and I definitely don't want to be thought of as someone who will go ballistic at the drop of a hat.

I know I also need to take into account where I am at in life right now too.

I feel unwell, my legs still ache and feel swollen and itchy.  I still don't know if I have Lyme Disease and that pisses me off.  It is also freaking me out a bit as well. I don't like the thought of something that potentially can screw up your brain and nervous system laying dormant in my system. It's a bit uncomfortable to say the least.

I am also not liking feeling itchy all the time as that puts me in a less than cheery mood. I also feel like crap from feeling unwell.

I also applied for a few things recently and didn't get through so I feel like a failure.  An itchy failure at that.

I need to forge ahead with other plans, get the website I have been working on off the ground and feel that I am living again. Right now I am stuck on a loop in my head and although I am working, there is something inside that is disconnecting and I am finding it slightly disconcerting.

My other desires are a bit strange too. I want to feel attractive again too. Having bitten legs that itch as well as wanting to have a higher level of fitness has sent me into what feels like an abyss.

The main problem in all of this is that I have too high an expectation on myself and now that certain things aren't matching up there are parts of me that seem to want to sabotage it all.

My frustrations are borne out of feeling really out of place and in some ways alone.

The last few weeks haven't been what they normally are, and unfortunately the people I am closest to are all in flux right now with various things.  This isn't a woe is me statement but it's just a fact. In life people have their own shit hapening and new developments happening and to be honest I just don't see where I fit into any of that.

Just as accepting the changes happening in me, I don't know where anything slots in anymore.

If I had my way I would cocoon myself and emerge once I had all the best bits of myself formed. But life doesn't always work like that and like all people there are good things and bad things.

I know I need to get a grip on my moods though, especially if angry feelings start happening.  Otherwise I know the outcome.  People won't want to be so close to you and the irony is that is the thing I would actually like right now.

But feeling grumpy won't solve it.

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