Monday, 15 August 2011


On Friday I am having my Charing Cross appointment. Everything is due to happen at 10.45 which I think is great, especially as it is right on the other side of London.

I am due to see Dr Lorimer. Who I have heard great things about and he also seemed to be friends with a couple of people I know on Facebook.  That in itself I find strange but interesting at the same time. Outside of official obligation and capacities, these people are people too and do have their own networks.

I'm feeling quite chilled about this appointment.  Partly because I have stepped up some of my own transition without feeling that I am at the mercy of the NHS. But also I have been waiting 8 months for this appointment! That sort of wait makes it feel that it is almost not real when it does come along. It is happening and I know what it is I want to discuss in my appointment and I know I shall also have to bring some of my paperwork as well. 

Still this is all part and parcel of ensuring certain boxes are ticked and the red tape that surrounds us is kept to a minimum.

I need to check if my NHS number has arrived at my GP's soon as well, I also need to check as to when I am meant to have a new blood test. As on September 6th is when I am due to have my next Nebido shot and I am not sure if I am meant to have another blood test after that.  I know by the next time I see Dr Curtis I need to have my blood tests done again so that they can monitor any differences between my hormone levels prior to taking testosterone.

To be honest I am not feeling that much different to when I wasn't taking it.  There is something different in me, but I think its more a case of waiting and seeing as to what changes are going to come next.

Perhaps in a couple of months or so there will be more noticeable differences vs 3 weeks that I am currently on now. Still it's all a slow burning course of change and I just need to ride what comes with that.

I know that some of the changes I am putting into my life now are going to have knock on changes in other aspects of my life. I know this because I feel it more right now. There are also other things that are happening which means for the most part I am feeling quite solo these days. My Mother is busy with a lot of things right now as is E with her new job.

It's not so much a case of feeling that I 'need' them but knowing people are busy means that I don't go to people straight away. It's not a case of being awkward but I just don't see a point, especially when what I might need isn't there. Also with one or two changes taking place I feel that I need to do this semi-solo. I keep having moments where I feel that I want to be around people and then I want to get away from people. For this reason having time to write and work on things alone during the day times is a relief more than anything. 3 evenings in the week E is at aerial or I am out.

I am getting used to the physicalities of one or two changes and in internally processing a few things I am finding it easier to do more things alone. I may have periods of feeling lonely, yet at the same time I do actually like doing things on my own.

I am also still getting used to being on T. There isn't much to report but I do feel that emotionally I am changing a bit.  I don't feel certain things like I used to which is great on some levels but I do feel that there are parts of me switching off in other ways.

What I want from life is also changing yet again, and I feel that I am on some sort of orbit to an epiphany happening sometime soon. In a months time I will be 2 in Trans years. I don't know what I will do yet.  Perhaps mark it in a nice way alone or perhaps try and get a bike by then and take myself off for a nice ride on it. All in all I don't know what to do or what I will do so rather than feel stressed that people won't come to something I planned or then have dilemmas that because I invited person a that now means I should invite person b or they will be offended even though I don't know them (politics with groups of people is a tricky business) I might just do something in my own.

Will also see how I feel after Berlin too. Last time I was there it made me evaluate a few things and this time around I want to see if progress and change has happened in a few areas. The good thing with 5 months is that it does give decent scope to see if there really has been progress made.

We'll see what fate has to say on that matter if there are to be any booby traps appearing in front of me.  I say this because 2011 has been littered with unexpected surprises and I don't feel negative per se but I don't feel it wise to be complacent either.

On a positive note though Friday should be good and if it goes well I will think about something nice to do after wards.

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