It's been an eventful week for me. Last week I was still in pain from teeth and really nervous about having my appointment with Dr Curtis.
I have never felt so nervous in such a long time. I cried for most of the day before I went to see him. I felt so scared that I would be seen to be 'fake' in some way or that I didn't fit any criteria.
With hindsight I also realise that I was very pre-menstrual and getting whacked by the oestrogen cloud can sometimes send me into what feels like a black hole. I felt so weak and small. It was awful. The night before I had a brilliant night with a friend of mine. We had steak, we talked, she made me laugh - I returned to my house where there were friendly and warm people inside of it and the loving arms of E. Yet there was something inside of me that felt awful.
Then in turn I felt guilty for feeling out of place. I was also still in pain.
I also managed to have a misunderstanding with someone last Friday as well. But I apologised and I did calm down too. I also realise that some of my grouchy side has also been visited upon my partner too but I have noticed it and have apologised for that too.
I hate feeling grumpy but especially with people that are close to me. In some cases I would much rather hide under a rock or sedate myself if I feel like that, as there is nothing worse than feeling guilty and grumpy simultaneously.
Still things are turning a corner slightly.
I went to the appointment on Friday afternoon after getting drenched in the rain, and I semi stripped when I sat in his office with soggy hair.
The consultation seemed relatively straightforward. He asked about my childhood, how long I had been transitioning for and why I had come to see him.
I went a bit home office on him and said that I wanted a new passport and showed him evidence of my name change, wage slip and bank changes and also pointed out that I was 'out' to all family and friends. I am out and given that if my name is googled at any point it will come back to this blog so there will be no avoiding it.
I also don't mind if people know. But this is my choice.
He gave me a letter that I have placed into a passport application which I am submitting today. It states that I am living full time as a man, and that I intend to continue doing so permanently. I am very happy to have this letter as I know that this will help my application massively, also is something that is compulsory regarding changing gender on a passport.
Being called 'Miss' really disturbs me. I also hate feeling that I am living as a fraud. I am not a biological man, nor ever will be but I am male. This is something that I know I am. I am not a woman. I never was.
Putting on a shirt this morning (without too much sadness I must add) I couldn't help but think how strange and alien I look with breasts. They really don't belong on my body. Just as they didn't on people like Buck Angel and many of millions of trans men.
There aren't so many men out there that are proud to say that they are a man with a vagina. In fact the only person I have ever heard of that talks very happily and comfortably about this is Buck but I too share a similar sentiment.
Don't get me wrong I feel very attached to having a cock as well but its a different feeling.
In a near tantric sense what I was born with is definitely my root and everything else has developed and evolved from it. In some ways I feel I have two hearts. One in my chest and one between my legs.
Funnily enough I have had stages in life where I think I have been connected more to one rather than the other. They both operate in different ways yet at the same time I would be lost without the other at the same time.
Today has been a day that fr the first time in ages I have started feeling happier on the inside and more settled with what else has been happening around me. I want to make some changes to my life and I want to also progress with goals I have set myself.
The passport change as high on my list as having photographic and official ID in a new name is very important to me. Especially whenever I book tickets to travel I won't have to revert back to being a 'Miss' ever again. As I said before it does disturb me.
I also know that on another level the more things I have legally that confirm I am male has started helping me become less bothered if people call me by a female pronoun. As I feel it is their mistake.
It is interesting that around the time of my period men seem to be able to suss me out as being female much faster and again I am convinced it is down to being able to smell oestrogen on me or if my hair isn't short enough.
Some of this reason and also having the ostrogen black hole every month has now led me to another decision: Hormones.
I want to try testosterone on a low dose for a short period of time such as 3 months. I want to see if the changes are something that I will like, welcome or be ok with.
There is something that is missing inside of me right now and I feel that this might be it, just as I used to feel a similar emptiness before I started binding. I don't feel I want a massive amount of hormone in my system but I think maybe a small amount might 'top up' and help give me a few subtle changes that I would like.
Still for that a blood test needs to be done and then another appointment so again, I am in no massive rush. The passport was my priority. As I seem to be working on the social side of my transition primarily and then the physical.
I do need to get a bit more buff soon, but am going to go to the leisure centre today so that will be a good step forward, especially if it means I start putting myself back on the wagon as I am now ok to exercise again and where I hurt a rib a few weeks ago that now feels better so now is the time to moving once again.