Monday, 6 June 2011

About A Boy

There have been many changes happening over the last few months and all in all my feelings of 2011 are pretty mixed. Particularly as for vast chunks of it I feel that I have been spent grieving. Certain relationships with family and friends have changed and I need to get used to that.


At the same time relationships change all the time.  Who we were great friends with a year ago might be more distant to us now. Especially if our paths are set not to cross or our spheres aren't at one. I have learned a few things though and that is not to then try and meddle with other relationships had in life.

It is very easy once some negativity sets in to then think everything else is going to fail and in some ways putting more negativity into the internal sphere. It isn't overly logical is it? Yet at the same time without acknowledging or seeing this then the pattern of destruction is bound to continue.

In the last 2 weeks I have moved house (finally) and had 4 wisdom teeth removed and on Friday I am seeing Dr Curtis. This is a momentous week it seems. Also saw a very lovely Lady of Islington and her delightful baby. 


I don't know if he possesses magical powers but suddenly life and the world doesn't seem so rubbish when you look at him or hold him. I am convinced he is a magic baby and what is beautiful about his presence is that he is full of love and the people who made him are full of love for him.


I think this is what is so good about planned children in certain respects.  They are wanted and desired from day one and in effect people were prepared and ready to receive them.

I suppose being queer means that any baby we have will be planned as by and large there is pyrex involved.  I am generalising slightly but I would assume that a high percentage of queer families that plan carefully when and how they can reproduce.


I am still a little bit unsure if I want any children of my own.  I do get broody urges but at the same time I want to feel that I am ready.  Right now I have a lot happening in my head and life to even entertain such thoughts.


I want to feel happy within myself and satisfied that I am accomplishing all that I want.  I also don't want to subject my child to what I am feeling right now. I am not satisfied with myself or with some other aspects of life right now and I would never want to visit that onto them.


It's bad enough doing that to another person, let alone a child.


I also want to become comfortable with myself before I think about children too as I know that in some ways it won't be as simple or straightforward. I am not sure if I want to be a 'Dad' but then something I read once (and make of this what you will) really made sense to me : "It is easy to become a father but it takes someone special to be Daddy"


I am sure my kinkier friends reading this might be stroking their knees a little bit enthusiastically at that one but on a non pervy note this statement makes sense on some levels.


But my short term things to change and get back in order are taking priority.  I need to register at a new Doctors surgery and in some ways I am sad not to have my old GP.  If anyone is living around Bethnal Green I will happily recommend my old GP he is very helpful and forward thinking.  He also was happy to be pushy on my behalf and would do so for any patient he has. 


Hopefully the new one will be helpful too.

The main thing I am looking forward to is for things in my life to calm down a little especially as I have a lot of things I want to do.  This is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be to begin with and I feel as if I am drowning slightly.


Feeling lonely, ugly and confused is possibly not the best place to be in. I don't need people to tell me that I am the opposite of these feelings but I just wish I could sometimes feel that lovely happy and content feeling that I see other people having.


The last 4 months have been one sudden change to another and I am pleased that a sense of grounding is happening as quite honestly I am feeling exhausted. I also feel that I am failing on certain levels.  A lot of this is down to changing and not really knowing who it is I am any longer and feeling disconnected from within.


It also doesn't help when you realise that you have failed to see what is good about life and people as well and feel that you are a little black cloud to everyone else's sunshine. Yet this is what depression and depression type feelings like to do.  It shall make you feel more vulnerable, isolated and lonely.


Before you can blink it can have you by the throat, if you let it.  Just as the title of a song by Garbage suggests "The Trick Is To Keep Breathing" and even a song by Radiohead "Exit Music For A Film" it also speaks about breathing. I try to remember that song rather than listen to it as it is a bit of a suicidal soundtrack otherwise.


I do see a difference in feeling like a miserable git and actually wallowing in being a miserable git.


This is the thing. I know I am depressed on some levels. Having had clinical depression for a number of years I do know the difference between feeling a bit down and feeling the chemical effects of the depression.


Managing it and being honest about it I find works for me. It also gives me something to fight back against. A lot of my time I manage it fairly well. But right now I am taking a few lumps and there is a part of me that thinks this isn't fair.

I have started an internal protest but I need to put down whatever is barricaded inside of me as this is isolating me further. I don't want to be shut off to the point that I stop giving love or feeling love at the same time either.


This is difficult to deal with as there is a guilt to be felt within this.  Especially when there are some people in my life that are really lovely and loving towards me. I feel that I am failing them when these feelings occur.


Yet I know that with a bit f time the feelings will quieten down.



Now I have moved I am settling into a lovely house, with cool people in it and initially I was freaking out slightly about living with 5 people I am enjoying it.  So far living with E hasn't presented any problems and I am feeling more and more that living communally is the way forward. I like that there is more of a sharing mentality to be had in a house like this and it's lovely to be able to share food with each other too. I like that we can all cook together too if we feel like it and also if we want to have time to chill on our own there isn't a forced feeling of compulsory interaction. Although given how much everyone seems to like baking in this house I need to sort out my gym membership pronto!



The more time that passes in here the more I feel that I am a part of the house and I feel less of it being E's house. Having separate rooms definitely helps this and I think in some ways it has been a nice next step to experience within our relationship as it's a next step but one that feels right and we both still retain our own independence to some degree.  But at the same time it's nice to know that even if we don't see other all day or all night we have the option to wake up or fall asleep with the other if we want.


Just as if we wanted a night to sleep like starfish alone in bed we have that choice. Choice is something massively underrated but I think it is important to try and incorporate as much as possible. As that way it doesn't put too many pressures on the relationship. Because we spent s long practically living together I think its nice that we do but have a bit more independence in some respects as we aren't a 'guest' in each other's space and a strange feeling of having to host one another isn't there.


I don't plan on becoming lazy where dates are concerned though. As I don't want to fall into the trap of thinking "we live together so we don't need to go on dates" kind of attitude.  But it does give scope for other things to happen in a slightly creative sense.

Sparkle keeps any relationship thriving as well as patience, understanding and positivity. As well as remembering to buy cereal.

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