Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Go Away May

This is the month that I can't wait to see the back of. As moaned about in previous blog entries, my life right now has some good points, but there is a frustration born with feeling stuck in the middle of almost everything right now.

It's coming into subject of waiting for this or waiting for that, or just as I feel I have found a way out of one stressful situation then there is another one waiting to commence. It's as if it is forming an orderly queue and one by one it's taking a turn.

There are a few things I am not putting in my blog as they concern other people but all I will say is that I am sad that certain things have ended up the way they are presently. I understand that things change but I do miss how certain things were when things were good.

I'm also gutted for my partner right now who has been screwed over by UK Immigration.  Her passport went missing following us sending her documents to get British Citizenship. With the crazy systems that her country has for missing passports it's been stressful for her and it's been frustrating for me as there hasn't been much I have felt I could do. Other than try not to say things that state the obvious too much or that will inflame an already upsetting situation.

In short what has happened is unjust and unfair x 1000000000.

I'm moving house next week and I am finding it a lot more stressful than I originally thought but this is down to having stupid sentimental feelings that have just surfaced.  I try and tell myself that people move all the time and this is no big deal but I will miss my flat.  I have lived here for 4 years.

Luckily the house I am moving into has lovely people and I have been visiting for the last 15 months so it's nothing that is too unfamiliar.  It will be a bit strange living somewhere with people versus living alone.  But then with living alone it sometimes gets lonely.  So really I just have to do it and adjust and this inbetweeny feeling will shift.

Right now I don't feel that I live anywhere because I am waiting to leave my place in 9 days and I am not quite living there yet either so all in all its just slightly a case of flux. It will change but in the meanwhile there is still flux.

My next wait is for the 2nd of June. I have a dental appointment whereby I will have all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed and three teeth will be refilled and slightly rebuilt. I am feeling quite nervous about this, especially given that I haven't had a tooth removed before but there is a silver lining in that I will be knocked out. I have also kept away from reading anything about toothache, dental pain or wisdom teeth stories as I don't think that is wise nor helpful.

I also have an appointment at some distant point with Charing Cross but to be fair I have blocked that one out.  August is a little bit of time away and I think once I have some other funds I will be seeing Dr Curtis privately. I feel like its a slight cop out but at the same time I am reaching the stage where I am feeling confused and in some ways I am becoming slightly desperate.  I need to speak with someone specifically about a few things as well as find out what my options are regarding getting authorisation for getting a new passport, surgery and all that stuff, especially as I don't want to take hormones. It would also be good to have some sort of discussion about hormones too so that I have more info about it.

I'm feeling ready to take this next step as right now I am hanging. My wallet still has two different identities in it and my relationship to both the male and female parts of me is hurting my head and my heart.

I feel disconnected from everything inside of me and it's hard to put it into words but the only thing I can say right now is that I am hurting.  I am also aware that I did this to myself. I don't regret deciding to change my gender but I am struggling with how lonely it feels and what it is like to live in what feels like a permanent headfuck situation.

I feel lonely as I don't know what I am or who I am a lot of the time.  I have done a lot of reading around ways in which people have made better relationships and connections within themselves and also read a few horror stories too.

There have been many accounts surrounding suicide attempts.  Although I must make clear that I am not in any danger to myself or want to actively harm myself in any way, there is a part of me that can see why people have made attempts on their lives.

Feeling cut off, and disconnected from the self and everything else is a scary place to be. Sometimes when in groups of people I find myself thinking that I am just there watching and observing people living.  There is a part of me that is feeling somewhat dead inside.

I hate it. It's a silent torture. There is also protocol to observe too. You can't exactly (when perhaps feeling overwhelmed by a social situation) to turn to people and say that you wish they knew the person that is trying to emerge rather than the awkward person stood in front of them.

People hug me, show me they care or tell me they love me and I feel guilty that I struggle to sometimes feel and accept that love and warmth. I then start blaming myself and before I know it my face is streaked with tears and I can't stop thinking that I did this all to myself and that I just have to suck it up.

My partner is very affectionate and lovely and sometimes I feel like a failure that I can't give her what I feel I should. I sometimes wish I could have just been a lesbian drag king then we wouldn't have to deal with these other gender things. Yet I know she does love me and care for me being the person I am as when she met me I was already male identified. 

This is definitely my hang up.  But sometimes it isn't easy knowing that the dual gender thing can impact on someone else and can bring a load of shit their way too.

I hate feeling that I am weird and that my life will never be as simple as I would like it to be.  Yet at the same time I can't live identifying as female when that isn't who I am nor who I ever was. It's also a shame that in society we are categorised by having to be either male or female. Why can't a man have a vagina and a woman have a cock? Why is it deemed so strange?

I say this as I think I know plenty of female bodied people that are probably more blokey than bio men that I have met.  This is the thing about gender, it is a fluid thing in some cases.  The debates and classifications regarding sex and gender have been in place for centuries. As people we can't always be defined as being 'one or the other'. Being in the middle is another story altogether.

I do find it difficult to sometimes get my head around the fact that I am now comfortable having a vagina now I identify as a man. Questions have come up such as "Is it because I am now slimmer?" "Is it because I am more comfortable with myself?" But the actual truth of the matter is I don't know. All I know is that I am not female. By not being female it means I feel less trapped inside of my body.  Yet I do feel that having breasts or still having a female identity where my passport is concerned unnerves me as that isn't who I am.

Yet I know I am not a biological male or feel that I am 100% in that camp either.

Ever since I was little I never felt I was 'one of the girls' more a case of being a boy amongst a group of girls. Now I am trying to live as honest a life as I can that is true to myself. Yet I still feel set apart from a lot of things.

I don't need to feel that I fit in but I do feel lonely feeling that I stand out or that I am not matching on the outside what I feel I am on the inside.

I wish I didn't have to bind or forget to modulate my voice in certain circles. But I can't go back to living in a female role, wearing a bra and having to wear larger tops because of the size of my chest.  It makes me feel sick.

I also can't handle the mental image that it conjures up inside me.  That isn't who I am. Nor who I want to present to the world.

Just because I want to have relationships with women doesn't make me straight either, but I am not as gay as I used to be either.  Again, I am in the middle where that is concerned as well. This can make me feel a bit confused as to where I want to hang out as I don't want to be seen as straight but sometimes feel that I am offending same sex couples in certain spaces.

The fighter in me reminds me that this is most likely something that others have felt, or are in the process of going through.  Collective feelings and sentiment is always going to be around us even if the journey and path we take is different for each individual.

It's about patience.

I also remember how far I've come and the hard work I have put into making changes in my life. I'm 3 stone lighter, I eat better, I exercise I try and maintain a focus not just on myself but also with some of the work I have been doing too.

When I do a photo shoot I want someone to feel they are being represented in a way that is accurate and I love it when I create images with someone where they feel happy or recognise how beautiful they are or can feel empowered or sexy.  I feel satisfied when I have made images like this.

I also love interacting with people whereby we reach a good level of communication and collaboration and am excited about a few things I currently have in the pipeline.

I do remind myself that there is a bigger picture, there is a life waiting for me to live, be happy and to feel warm.

I do remember to laugh and smile. I also know that this isn't an easy time but I won't be defeated either. One thing is for sure, if life is hurting or feeling difficult then it's time to put your boots on and wade through whatever you have to wade through in order for things to make sense again or to feel safe and happy once again.

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