Monday, 4 April 2011

What have I done?

I am sure that everyone thinks this at some stage during their transition.  But right now I am experiencing a lot of confusion surrounding being in a new gender. Sometimes it isn't easy.  Particularly when I am not passing well. Even though I find it amusing in one respect that I will be addressed as a female it still bites at me.

I still have certain elements of bureaucracy to wade through right now and I am still between two genders not just emotionally but legally too. Which is a first step but in situations whereby some ID is needed still for Leng Montgomery it can make things complicated and frustrating.

When I am near my time of period I hate feeling as emotional as I do now.  But also underneath a lot of layers of all sorts I know I am slightly unhappy at the moment.

I can't help but sometimes question as to why I am doing this? I had a good weekend at the LLGFF on the Southbank this weekend.  On a couple of nights that seemed to be full of wall to wall lesbians I did find myself thinking and almost wishing that I was like them.  I do sometimes wish I had been comfortable being in the body I was born in.

I then feel like I wouldn't feel this disjointed feeling that I get every so often and the feeling that I am lying a lot of the time. When I get home I have breasts. They are there and there is no avoiding them. I also am comfortable with the fact that I have female genitals. Only as a female, I wasn't comfortable with them. Or having any reminder that I was female gendered. But being a man with female bits is something I understand and feel comfortable about but not as many people understand without needing some form of explanation.

Yet the reality is I don't feel I am overtly male, well not too much anyhow.  I also am starting to feel like that isn't quite the accepted thing in areas that are surrounded mostly by women and even being in a relationship with a dyke.  I feel sometimes that I have different rules to live by because I am male. By mentioning that I have been born female bodied seems to put some circles at rest that I haven't waded in tried to adopt as much male privilege as possible and then added insult to injury by trying to steal lesbians from other lesbians.

There are a lot of things I could have tried to be but they aren't the person I am. I was never a butch, I also never felt I was FTM. I just knew I was male identified and fit somewhere around there.

I understand on one aspect but on another level it makes me feel that I am in an unequal situation because of where my gender is. I'm not aggressive and I am not macho which are two stereotypical male traits yet at the same time because of this I am feeling I am viewed as a weak and sissy like boy.

This too isn't who I am.

I am starting to tire of feeling so labelled and judged. In many ways I feel I am turning into a slightly empty shell. I serve a purpose to be present, to do this and to do that but I have become slightly lost as to what I do next. I feel I am losing track of who I am because I feel I am conforming to a billion rules that are all about everyone else, or adhering to a system and doing things that mean I tick all the correct boxes.

I am fed up of having assumptions placed on me or feeling that assumptions have been made which I pick up on with how people speak to me sometimes.  Yet at the same time people will and people do.  I should try and ignore people more but then that would mean I would be in even more isolation than I already am in some respects.

It also makes me worry about relationships and particularly observing other relationships. This hasn't been an issue in mine but what if a situation arose whereby I was deemed too male to be with a woman? Particularly as I don't identify as a straight man nor feel that I am vaguely straight?

But I don't feel as gay as I used to either. All I feel is pressure.

I am all for feeling gender fluid but there are so few circumstances where that really is the case. People may support me or respect me but at the same time they don't have to be me. It's quite easy to have a friend who is a bit different as there is a detachment there as well as the knowing that it isn't your reality.

I saw the 'Becoming Chaz' documentary and there were some bits of that which made me cry.  Firstly his Mother's attitude and also his partner.  I understand (especially when that was filmed) that he was in his first 6 months of transition when the filming started. There were some moments that really hit me in the gut and I did on a few occasions feel really sad for him. I couldn't help but wish that more people would see how this was for him rather than just feeling that it was all about how it impacted on their lives.  But stuff like this does affect everyone, I just couldn't help but feel the two important women such as Mother and girlfriend were a little self absorbed.

I remember for my first 6 months I was pleased to be semi single. I was dating but it was slightly detached as my lover didn't live in the same city as me and we had very constructed dates.

We would meet in arranged time and in many ways it was a break from our day to day lives.  There wasn't also much room for it to get too emotionally entangled.  Yet we cared for each other and are good friends now. I think I will always care for her especially as I was just starting to figure out who I was and she was gentle with me.

I am grateful for that.

When I met E I was 7 months into transition and in some ways I do wish we had met a little later but at the same time it did feel organically right too. Love happens when it's meant to happen and the type of love we fell into then and still have now is a very sweeping type that had an intensity but also constantly grew.  I was relieved not to be in a firework situation whereby we burned out (or burned each other) so quickly.

But during my transition I have tried not to rely emotionally upon her.  If I have needed to sort out appointments for things or even when I have been thinking of making certain movements, once certain I have gone and done it.  If I have felt uncertain she has offered me reassurance but I do see a lot of this as things I need to work out for myself and I don't want to dump my emotional stuff on someone else.

Or not in an intentional way.

Just as I want to be respected for who I am I respect who she is as well. It isn't always easy for either person in a relationship and particularly in one like ours. But we muddle through in a way that seems to work well for us both.

Love is love after all.

Just as I am lucky to have a Mum that loves me for who I am.

Now all I need to do is to find my comfort zone again. It will happen, eventually.

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