July

I have to say I am much enjoying the month of July. I have never been in such a flux with life where I feel so happy with the way things are going.  It's wonderful.  My weekends seem to get successively better than the last one and I am spending my time with really lovely people.

I know I will look back at this month in particular for 2010 with a particular warmth inside my heart.  I also have loads of really exciting things to look forward to as well.  Such as Peaches next weekend and Love box, my parents are returning from Australia on Tuesday, I am also off to Sheffield and then Italy and in the meantime I have been working on some writing and seeing friends and making contacts.

All in all it's looking rather eventful on the old calendar.  Oh and the lovely weather is really, really delightful too - it feels like being on holiday with all the heat and sunshine. It also makes me want to live on pimms but my liver won't allow that so have been settling for lots of salad instead.

I have also spent some really nice time with E, and this weekend has marked meeting her Mother and Sister. I was initially nervous - but then I think that is normal.  I also realised this is the first time I have met someones family being male identified and they were fine with it all.  I think language barriers aside it's actually really nice that I am in a relationship with someone who has family that are just as open minded as my own.

In my previous relationship I found this not to be the case and that was when I was a lesbian! God knows what they would have been like if they knew I was transitioning. To be fair I was the first person they met and also I wasn't the right sort of person they would have in mind for their daughter. It happens. It also doesn't help being the first person a family meets if they weren't exactly OK with their child coming out in the first place - the odds aren't likely to be stacked in one's favour generally.

Needless to say I think I can safely assume for both parties that we are both glad we don't have to see or speak to each other ever again!

Again this is life. I am sure we all date someone at some point that our parents can't stand just as I am sure we might end up being the type of person that for whatever reason a partners family can't stand.  It's a fact of life.

I must say though it's a lot easier if there is a sense of harmony.

I do count myself very lucky that I do have such understanding parents, that have never made me feel bad about who I am.  My Mum has always had the attitude that when she had me she wanted to know ME no matter how I turned out. I like that way of looking at things.

If I have children one day I will adopt the same approach, as I do believe that when we have children it isn't to create something that is going to 'owe' us anything or have to live up to expectations. I think it is far more rewarding to foister love and not expectations upon someone, as like anything they will grow organically and they will shine in the way they are meant to.

Obviously guidance, care and love is needed but at the same time I think it is important to remember that the person created was made because of love and because of the desire to want to have a child.

OK that might not be the reason if the condom split or a number of other reasons but I think in terms of consciously trying for a child, making changes in your life etc to accommodate a child we also have to make shifts in our own minds to allow for these changes to take place and register.

As I have discovered for myself over the last few months, there is a difference between the theoretical ways and hows of a situation versus the actual reality of the situation in hand. Being honest about who you are, what your boundaries are and looking after yourself and others are vital not only to our own well being but I think everyone else around you too.

I can't believe how much I have changed and grown since this time last year.  In my last counselling session we did discuss this and I did feel that I had let go of a lot of old baggage that I had lingering around. I feel I have learned a lot and am still continuing to learn. I have made mistakes but I have also had many occasions where I have let situations get out of hand because I failed to assert myself correctly or haven't looked after myself in the way I should.

Strangely since identifying as male I do look after myself a lot better than I used to and will continue to do so.  My self esteem has always been a bit of a sore point but I feel a lot better about myself than I used to.  I must say that radically changing my diet and exercising lots has helped that along really well as now I am seeing my body change and my shape alter. It does take hard work but if you stick at it then there is a way to enable desires to come through.

I also need to exercise more now as I do want my body more than ship shape for when I come to have my surgery. Although it won't be for a while I know that I need to make sure my chest is well exercised and I want to be muscly and firm, especially as I won't be able to exercise for a number of weeks post surgery.

Still my current regime of 3 times a week plus 1 game of squash a week is paying off.  If this heat continues too and kills my appetite at the rate it has been I shall be slimmer soon too which is always a bonus and as I have recently discovered rather addictive.

That is something I am careful with, especially as sometimes I feel that I can't notice what I have lost but from last year I am almost 4 trouser sizes smaller so luckily my clothes remind me on a regular basis that the weight has come off as do people around me.

As long as I do exercise I don't panic and I love food and will always love food so there will be no ryvita and cottage cheese for me or celery sticks for that matter! I would make a noose out of lettuce leaves and have done with it all if that was the case.

(Yes I am also highly aware of how melodramatic that sounded too)

This is also another thing that puts me off taking T.  You get hungry all the time! Which for me right now is a big no no!

I do sometimes think about it but right now if I was to think seriously about it or to draw up a yes or no list the no is outweighing the yes right now.  I am not against other people taking T but I am a massive believer of only taking it if it is right for you.

I am still learning how to be comfortable and letting the shifts happen as naturally as possible. All I crave is to have ore muscle so my shape is more recognisable as male and to have no breasts and I would like it if my voice dropped a bit more, but you can't have it all - well not straight away.

The funny thing right now is that i sometimes forget that I was called Cleo only when when I fill out forms! Still that's another thing that I will be changing very soon, as the more I think about it the more I know I need to do this.

Still that's for another blog!