Tomorrow I am seeing the community psychiatrist so that I can have some background history for Charing Cross Gender Clinic who have so far refused to accept my GP's referral to their clinic because they have no psychiatric history of me!
With the aside to thinking "what a palaver" followed by an urge to roll my eyes a few times I also have to grit my teeth slightly and hope for the best.
I am feeling quite a mixture of things right now but I am relieved that I have no more waiting upon me to see the doctor tomorrow. I have found that having doubts hasn't been good as it's impossible to predict the unknown. I had no idea my GP would be so supportive but he was. I suppose having low expectations in people in this field has so far led to many positive and pleasant surprises, but at the same time that isn't a nice way to think. Which I am aware of.
I also feel a really odd sense of nervousness starting to creep in, but I know I can do this and I will be doing this. This has all really brought to a head what it is I am going to do and how my future will be shaped. Changing gender for me isn't just a phase. I actually did think it was for a while hence why I slowly started to become known as 'Leng' but at the same time I used Leng as the main name as it was still a part of me and would give me an easy exit back should I choose to stop exploring whatever I was doing.
But as time has gone on Cleo is no longer here. I have killed her, and her memory that still is present with me sometimes is a distant one. I know this is a big reason as to why lately I feel that I am mourning something and feel empty as I have extracted a big part of myself. But I have chosen to do so, and whatever else I feel or think or whatever I know I am not her anymore and she is for the best part dead.
Leng on the other hand is someone I am still getting to know and is still negotiating his way through life. Once I am older I shall be Monty. It may sound completely bonkers but I can see my stages in front of me and that offers me a sense of structure that I really need.
I am seeing more and more what I want from what I don't want and I will not buckle under a cloud of unhappiness that leaves me feeling weak and trapped. It's only since 2009 I have had the courage to finally break out of my old shell and be the person I want to be. It's not always easy but at the same time since 2009 I have started progressing and growing in ways that I actually am starting to feel I have a place in the world, I feel comfortable in a room and can actually feel like I am me.
With the weight I have lost I am also starting to get a physical body that can match the mental aesthetic I have of myself - only when fully clothed that is. Seeing myself naked now with particular regard to my chest is odd, I do feel like some sort of alien - but having the wrong body part on you will make you feel like that. So rather than be devastated by it I see it as something that will be removed and when it is I will feel a bit more complete. But at the same time I have more exercises to do and money to save before I can do that. I also think its wise to wait as I have to be sure.
But again with that something needs doing as a year and a half of double binding has changed things there but I will sort it out and I am in no mad rush.
I feel content that every day I know I have made a step away from my old life and sometimes it's scary but then what in life isn't? It is always full of surprises and the main thing I remember is that as people we are equipped to survive. The will do change things and stride on is there and there is also a lot to be learned and discovered along the way. Particularly as I age.
My birthday is on my mind a lot (well it is happening on Friday) but also because now I really am pushing on in life. It's as if I have woken up, I feel that I don't have a bubble of youth to hide in any more and I am and want to be more accountable for things. Everything I do does have meanings and consequences in a more profound way than before.
I am no longer a baby and in many ways I am glad not to be. ow I see it is if I can have an orgasm then I can phone up the gas company if something isn't right in my house. Although to be fair I don't feel I rely heavily on anyone. I appreciate support but I never expect it.But at the same time I should really learn how to ask more for what I need.
But if in a situation like now where I already feel confused then it's difficult to identify what I need if that makes sense?
I am very curious as to how tomorrow shall pan out and what I should and shouldn't do to make it easier. One thing that is working in my favor is the fact I had a new hair cut, that helps me physically look more male and within that I have the confidence that I feel I physically pass. I have kept my eating down this week too so I won't feel that I am holding any excess weight which contributes to curves on my frame.
Now it's all a process of ticking boxes, swallowing some pride and doing what has to be done in order to progress further. Especially now that the NHS is having funding cuts left, right and centre and I want to make sure I can have the correct support available to me and also the correct assistance so I can have the correct gender for me on my bank cards, have a new passport and things like that.
The good that comes with this formal categorization outweigh my current situation. Even though I find having to have a "Gender Identity Disorder" on my records really insulting I'm going to have to suck it up. As I would much rather that than go back to being part of my legal identity. Cleo is dead. I am not prepared to resurrect the female that I once was.
I won't ever forget who I was though, but that is the main point in this. That life and that person was who I USED to be and WAS and isn't representative of now or the future.
I shall no doubt write about the appointment tomorrow (for those who have asked if I shall blog about it) and all I hope is that I have someone who will listen coherently to what I have to say and will refer me to Charing Cross.
If not I really have to think of a Plan B and fast. Still there will be another way, as I refuse to think that tomorrows meeting is my only hope or stupid dramatic thoughts like that, as it isn't and there will be a way around things.
But I have to stop worrying so much about something unknown as in this case the system is trying to offer me another way and hasn't been against me so far. Which in comparison to other people's experiences I have heard of I am definitely one of the lucky ones, and I don't want to forget that.