Sink Or Swim?

Pressure is everywhere right now. Everyday I wake up I have pain in my chest as I feel I have the weight of the world resting on my shoulders and I am starting to reach a point where I feel I might implode from the inside.

My heart hurts, my head hurts and my chest now hurts.  Why? Well there are certain things I am not going to put on this as they are personal and I think it's a bit inappropriate to shove absolutely EVERYTHING down on a public blog, but at the same time I won't be dishonest and pretend everything is amazingly hunky dory when it isn't.

Life doesn't always work like that and a crucial part in growing up is standing up and being counted every once and a while as well as assessing what it is that truly drives us, fires us and makes us truly happy.  Without being too selfish about it.

Being a human means by default that we are a slightly selfish species. We aren't just content with having food, water and mating like other animals do.  We want to travel the world, we want nice things, we like to eat different types of food and we have cravings for different clothes and maybe other things like ipods and iphones.  OK in context this is how we are in a consumerist western sphere.  This is based on having come cash flow and having a choice.

For some this reality isn't a feature. This is also the needs and wants of someone who comes from privilege. Something else I am acutely aware of.

But looking at other things it isn't always about money and material possessions. For some it is but for a lot of us it's a vast array of things in which we crave. Some have multiple lovers for every month or every season. Certain people don't have relationships because they are constantly looking around for a fresh newer model of person all the time. This is how people choose to live.  Just as some people like to have very long relationships where they grow old together and wake up morning and realise they have no teeth left.

I hope to have that one day but at the same time I wouldn't (consciously) put that pressure on each successive partner I might have in life.

This is the thing to remember though, we are all different and what makes us happy is a truly unique thing.

There are nights where I crave not to be out but to have a quiet night in where I cook something and E and I have a nice night where it isn't defined by having to be somewhere at a certain time or having to 'slot' in a load of things.  This is something which makes me happy.  Just as I love seeing friends, exploring different spaces and seeing what the world and my city has to offer.

If you live in London there is a lot of culture to be experienced if you want it and it doesn't have to be super expensive.  But that's the thing. Whatever we do wherever we are, everything has a cost - be it emotional or financial.

Creativity is important to me as that is what drives my senses and passions. If I don't have culture in my life I withdraw into myself and become miserable.  The same applies if I don't make movements in my daily routine.  I can't sit still for too long as that kills me. I need to feel I am alive in many respects otherwise I retreat and bad thoughts start surfacing.

My internal settings are not ideal. But over the years I have learned to manage the depression I have as best I can and over the last year have found better ways in which to deal with it. It's not always easy and if I am entirely honest I am in one right now.

My gender changes are something which is starting to turn into a massive internal and external battle but right now there isn't a lot I can do and it does frustrate me. In some ways having this blog is a very cathartic thing as it helps me to really get things off my chest.

I am back to not passing so well, but ultimately it is my voice that gives me away.  Or if I am having a phase where I feel fat I feel it is my body shape that gives me away.  This fraudulent feeling then becomes heightened when I remove my clothes and see that I have a pair of breasts hanging from my chest like an alien attachment.

This is also extended to then seeing how the skin has changed around them from binding and I sometimes feel disgusting. Now I know there are a million positive thinkers and even people who care about me who might think or say that I shouldn't think or feel these things but the simple fact is I do.

Being incognito with my body on the streets is fun a lot but feeling the mini rush of knowing I have passed well versus the feeling of shame when I haven't.

Now I know this is something I need to deal with and for the most part I do.  But you know something, its really fucking exhausting sometimes when I feel I have to sneak around in changing rooms and toilets hoping I don't get caught for the 'imposter' I have become.

I do wish sometimes that I would have been happier being a masculine female.  But I feel I am male.

But I am a male that doesn't feel he needs to have been born with a cock. I don't need that but sometimes I like having it. It really does depend on what mood I have.

Yet with groups of people I mix with I am starting to feel a bit more separated from lesbians. I used to be one yet I don't think its appropriate to identify in that camp as now I am male identified.  Yet at the same time I do like to retain links to the female community I was once a big part of. Just as I would like to build more links with people like me, but there are some differences.

I am not taking hormones and I am comfortable having a vagina.  For some this is too much of a headfuck an I understand.  Living with it is a big enough of one, but I like to be as honest as possible. Especially when feeling a sense of difficulty - there isn't much else we can otherwise do.

But the main thing I am discovering in all of this is that theoretically it is all going well. I am living a good life yet inside I feel a weird impurity almost in all of this.  I want to cry a lot of the time right now as there is something missing.

I have small phases whereby I feel vile. I feel angry with my body and I feel angry with myself for sometimes feeling that I have messed up my entire life and making things more complicated. Yet at the same time I was born in half of the wrong body and therefore the hybrid in me is fucked up. Or I feel is fucked up.

I also have a lot of anxieties. I have to explain a lot of things a lot of the time and sometimes it tires me. If I became single tomorrow I feel that no one would ever love me again or understand me in the way I feel E does.  Yet at the same time those thoughts are ridiculous and it creates a tension and pressure that isn't fair on either of us.

Relationships are hard work and scary things at the best of times and sometimes I feel that I have let her down because in many ways I am a complex kettle of fish.  If we were a straightforward lesbian relationship maybe things would be simpler. We would sit on beaches together in bikini's, there wouldn't be a worry of what toilet can I use or a fear that she might get branded as straight or that if we do things together will it make us be fitting into a hetereonormative sphere?

To be super clear these are things that I think about. But it is a concern that to be with me there is a lot for someone who identifies as a dyke potentially loses.

Which in effect makes me sometimes feel a strange sense of guilt.  Almost the same guilt I have experienced when I realised how far my poly potential was or isn't if I love someone. I've never set out to be a restrictive force or that of a jailer but when I love someone I can't share my heart in a way i cn if I don't love someone.

I am much better at having multiple connections with people when I don't ave masses of emotions as there are boundaries within that.  Ultimately I can keep loose connections and lovers for years as long as we don't fall for one another, that is when things get messy. Well for me they do. Who knows what the future will bring but ultimately I have to feel safe and secure.

Right now i don't have those feelings or capacities. It still doesn't stop me feeling like a failure.  Especially as when I was younger I had loads of loose and open the relationships. It seems that as soon as I fall in love I panic and therefore have potential to fuck everything up around me, as in actual stone cold reality I think I suck at relationships sometimes.

But I'm learning as best I can.  I know fundamentally I like to make sure that both people feel loved, supported and have most of their needs met and accomodated for where possible and boundaries firmly negotiated and things to be as fair as possible.

This is how I feel things should be.  For the most part I feel I do this.  But sometimes I turn into a grouchy beast that starts whacking on self destructive thoughts and before I know it I feel that no one cares when in fact they do.  It's not nice and on more thinking it's rather cruel.

I hate it. 

I also hate feeling like people are avoiding me because I am different. I knew that I might lose a few friends or some friendships might drift but I hate to admit this but I feel this to be the case right now on a few instances. Also it's something that is to do with life. We are always changing and people we are close to move in different cycles. I sometimes think it's either because I am a pain in the arse or people think I am a freak.

So this is the summary of what is swirling around and amongst this I am also trying to set up a website and one thing I am learning is that working for yourself is really difficult.  There is no let up, ideally if you are not on it 24/7 there is constant pressure that something will screw up or evaporate.

The rewards will come for sure but right now it is crunch time and I need to breathe and assist in what will be something great.  I really care about what I am working on and my main concern is that people will like it and want to use the site and interact with it. This is something I think everyone making a website feels though so we'll see what comes through in testing.

There is a lot to smile about and will be smiled about but now things are going to the wire and my mind can't keep up with my body and heart. But this is something people go through and can survive. It's all about that.  Good old sink or swim.

What have I done?

I am sure that everyone thinks this at some stage during their transition.  But right now I am experiencing a lot of confusion surrounding being in a new gender. Sometimes it isn't easy.  Particularly when I am not passing well. Even though I find it amusing in one respect that I will be addressed as a female it still bites at me.

I still have certain elements of bureaucracy to wade through right now and I am still between two genders not just emotionally but legally too. Which is a first step but in situations whereby some ID is needed still for Leng Montgomery it can make things complicated and frustrating.

When I am near my time of period I hate feeling as emotional as I do now.  But also underneath a lot of layers of all sorts I know I am slightly unhappy at the moment.

I can't help but sometimes question as to why I am doing this? I had a good weekend at the LLGFF on the Southbank this weekend.  On a couple of nights that seemed to be full of wall to wall lesbians I did find myself thinking and almost wishing that I was like them.  I do sometimes wish I had been comfortable being in the body I was born in.

I then feel like I wouldn't feel this disjointed feeling that I get every so often and the feeling that I am lying a lot of the time. When I get home I have breasts. They are there and there is no avoiding them. I also am comfortable with the fact that I have female genitals. Only as a female, I wasn't comfortable with them. Or having any reminder that I was female gendered. But being a man with female bits is something I understand and feel comfortable about but not as many people understand without needing some form of explanation.

Yet the reality is I don't feel I am overtly male, well not too much anyhow.  I also am starting to feel like that isn't quite the accepted thing in areas that are surrounded mostly by women and even being in a relationship with a dyke.  I feel sometimes that I have different rules to live by because I am male. By mentioning that I have been born female bodied seems to put some circles at rest that I haven't waded in tried to adopt as much male privilege as possible and then added insult to injury by trying to steal lesbians from other lesbians.

There are a lot of things I could have tried to be but they aren't the person I am. I was never a butch, I also never felt I was FTM. I just knew I was male identified and fit somewhere around there.

I understand on one aspect but on another level it makes me feel that I am in an unequal situation because of where my gender is. I'm not aggressive and I am not macho which are two stereotypical male traits yet at the same time because of this I am feeling I am viewed as a weak and sissy like boy.

This too isn't who I am.

I am starting to tire of feeling so labelled and judged. In many ways I feel I am turning into a slightly empty shell. I serve a purpose to be present, to do this and to do that but I have become slightly lost as to what I do next. I feel I am losing track of who I am because I feel I am conforming to a billion rules that are all about everyone else, or adhering to a system and doing things that mean I tick all the correct boxes.

I am fed up of having assumptions placed on me or feeling that assumptions have been made which I pick up on with how people speak to me sometimes.  Yet at the same time people will and people do.  I should try and ignore people more but then that would mean I would be in even more isolation than I already am in some respects.

It also makes me worry about relationships and particularly observing other relationships. This hasn't been an issue in mine but what if a situation arose whereby I was deemed too male to be with a woman? Particularly as I don't identify as a straight man nor feel that I am vaguely straight?

But I don't feel as gay as I used to either. All I feel is pressure.

I am all for feeling gender fluid but there are so few circumstances where that really is the case. People may support me or respect me but at the same time they don't have to be me. It's quite easy to have a friend who is a bit different as there is a detachment there as well as the knowing that it isn't your reality.

I saw the 'Becoming Chaz' documentary and there were some bits of that which made me cry.  Firstly his Mother's attitude and also his partner.  I understand (especially when that was filmed) that he was in his first 6 months of transition when the filming started. There were some moments that really hit me in the gut and I did on a few occasions feel really sad for him. I couldn't help but wish that more people would see how this was for him rather than just feeling that it was all about how it impacted on their lives.  But stuff like this does affect everyone, I just couldn't help but feel the two important women such as Mother and girlfriend were a little self absorbed.

I remember for my first 6 months I was pleased to be semi single. I was dating but it was slightly detached as my lover didn't live in the same city as me and we had very constructed dates.

We would meet in arranged time and in many ways it was a break from our day to day lives.  There wasn't also much room for it to get too emotionally entangled.  Yet we cared for each other and are good friends now. I think I will always care for her especially as I was just starting to figure out who I was and she was gentle with me.

I am grateful for that.

When I met E I was 7 months into transition and in some ways I do wish we had met a little later but at the same time it did feel organically right too. Love happens when it's meant to happen and the type of love we fell into then and still have now is a very sweeping type that had an intensity but also constantly grew.  I was relieved not to be in a firework situation whereby we burned out (or burned each other) so quickly.

But during my transition I have tried not to rely emotionally upon her.  If I have needed to sort out appointments for things or even when I have been thinking of making certain movements, once certain I have gone and done it.  If I have felt uncertain she has offered me reassurance but I do see a lot of this as things I need to work out for myself and I don't want to dump my emotional stuff on someone else.

Or not in an intentional way.

Just as I want to be respected for who I am I respect who she is as well. It isn't always easy for either person in a relationship and particularly in one like ours. But we muddle through in a way that seems to work well for us both.

Love is love after all.

Just as I am lucky to have a Mum that loves me for who I am.

Now all I need to do is to find my comfort zone again. It will happen, eventually.

Boundaries

There is something I have grown to accept during the stages of my transition and this was especially highlighted last week when I went to the bank.

This is a classic scenario of someone trying not to offend but makes comment after comment that makes you (and the person) feel as if you are crash test dummies.

I had a personal banker who I genuinely believe was coming from a good place and was trying not to be offensive but ended up having foot-in-mouth syndrome throughout my discussion with her.

I was in the bank to change over my name on my bank account and to have everything changed over to ‘Mr’ too.  At first it seemed straightforward but soon, I felt it became apparent that she wasn’t used to encountering people who have different genders.

Without meaning to sound too rude I think a same sex joint bank account was something she was used to in terms of having an ‘exotic’ demand placed upon her.  Still I don’t feel angry per se, but I feel a little strange.  Well I did, then I felt annoyed then I just feel a weird neutral sort of feeling.

She asked me if I had received counselling, as well as asking how my family were about it and again commented that “I think counselling is important”.  She also asked if my friends still speak to me and then my favourite moment “I haven’t had one like you in a while.”

I could almost smell the expiry date of when she last had diversity training.  It wasn’t as sour as milk gone bad so that was a slight relief. Still there are people like this and to be fair to her people like me aren’t who she encounters regularly and she didn’t know what to do.

I got a new bank card in two days which for me was a result, she changed my gender too on my bank records so that too was what I wanted. I did make her blush at one point though but I felt I had to have some kicks of my own. Also I didn’t feel upset by her as I know that there are people out there who don’t understand.

Many people do comfortably live in the gender they are born with. Or they comply with it.

Then there are people who challenge that and choose to live in the identities that is right for them.  I don’t expect people to understand, and I know there will be times that I have to challenge but a lot of understanding where people are concerned does seem to stem from what is their reality and how can they relate to something.

Present anyone with something unfamiliar and they are sometimes in a position of not knowing how to behave or what is right or wrong for a situation.  I am by no means excusing the behaviour but I think it’s important that I keep a sense of perspective. I don’t understand a lot of things about life and people.

For example, there are those who will deliberately do things to others that they know will hurt and upset them.  As there are people who try and justify their shitty behaviour all the time but never work on it.

These traits baffle me. As how I see it is if you know something is wrong or will cause problems or drama then why do it? Especially if it’s for kicks. I haven’t got a lot of time or patience for people who continually cause the same shit for themselves and others over and over again and never seek to rectify that.

Still such is life.

I don’t expect people to understand me automatically either.  But at the same time I don’t feel that I have to try and ‘prove’ myself to be something that makes them more comfortable either.

I have worked hard on becoming the person I want to be and for that I think it’s important that everything we do is worked on.  Happiness isn’t just something that automatically happens, we have to find ways in ourselves to be positive and to create happiness around us. I say this as I am someone who has had clinical depression for many years.

I have learned that there are ways in which we can do things that make a more positive base not just for ourselves but for people that are around us as well. It does take hard work, but I feel it is worth it.

I would much rather feel a life that is warm and full of love than feeling that life is hopeless and that I wake up every morning wishing I was dead.

I can have very bleak thoughts if I let myself slip into it or if I don’t deal with something effectively. Like everyone I have my triggers and I know what will and won’t set me off but again I seek to manage that.

I’m by no means perfect, but I like to stick to certain principles I hold.

Boundaries are important to me, keeping them and respecting them.

Mistaken Identity

I had a slightly sticky situation on my hands on Wednesday night, and had I missed a performance I was due to see with E then I think I would have had a very original excuse.  "Sorry Darling, I was late because I was accused of molesting someone on a tube platform and had no reception so couldn't call you". It would have been something along those lines.

I was stood on the platform when I had my arm grabbed and a woman was shouting at me telling me to take my hands off her. Within this someone to her other side did scuttle off and it people around me gave me very dirty looks. I was feeling slightly confused and I think a few survival instincts popped in.

To be accused of touching someone inappropriately or even sexually isn't an easy one.  So with my response to her I lied slightly.  I told her that I hadn't touched her and that I was a gay man. She calmed down quite quickly and when someone brought over a station porter who was asking her if she wanted to call the police she said no.  She did apologise too as she realised that the side of her I was stood on meant that it wasn't me and also (this is what she said to the station bloke) "he's gay".

Now my reasoning for telling her I was gay?  I wanted to get on a train as quickly as possible, I had a date with E and I didn't want to end up being horribly late for. I also wanted to make it clear to the woman that there was no way that I would be interested in her. 

Being male and getting accused of something like that is potentially tricky. Therefore to make things feel safe again for her I wanted her to feel reassured that I wouldn't be interested.

As for the chap that did touch her, I really hope his hands fall off.  It is possible that he could have also been trying to pick her pocket, but it sounded like he was doing something inappropriate given her reaction.

It really angers me that people will behave like that.  In Lisbon there were slimeballs on the tube there as well. Men really shouldn't behave like this or have it drilled into them that this isn't the way to behave towards women or anyone.

It was also ironic that this happened to me given that I am very respectful towards women and one thing I am borderline obsessed with is boundaries. I cannot stand the ways in which people will try and justify being selfish or acting in a 'free-for-all' manner where certain things are concerned. It is important to always consider how someone else feels or what consequences our actions will entail.

I have found that in some circles where it is all about boundaries and negotiation is where I do see some things getting blurry and in certain cases seeing people acting the most immature. From having various conversations though with people I do admire and do respect it seems that some people like to try and push that, or try and push their own agenda where possible.

Interestingly this is what seems to happen when something has a sexual element. When people feel horny or attracted to someone I think it's about not being able to convey their desire in the way they might have hoped.  I'll admit that I am clumsy and not always the best at trying to convey what I would like sometimes or have done things in ways that has felt like a demand to another.  Ultimately desire works both ways and we can't force or make people 'give' us what we want if they don't feel like it.  Otherwise it is a battle, and the lines around being aggressive and assertive can become a little bit hazy.


Ultimately people do have self control and all this bullshit I see sometimes where people try and pretend that things have happened accidentally is beneath me.

People touching people is a conscious thing. Either it is wanted or it is not wanted.

There has to be consent.

I am a little angry about what happened as I could have been in quite a sticky position because of the actions of someone else who didn't respect the woman or respect boundaries.

It's massively out of line and I am glad that she did make a loud fuss about what was happening.  It's just a shame she got the wrong person. 

Life

I am sometimes so gobsmacked as to how life is literally full of many mysteries and how we find ourselves morphing and changing.

In effect it's as if we are all in some state of transition. I've always been happy to see where we end up in life and how we feel about things.  To put it into something that might make sense, we never stop changing.  If you think about where you were at a year ago compared to where you're at now there will always be something different to consider and remember.

A very good friend of mine is due to give birth any second now and I remember this time last year hoping that she would be and she is.  I love it when people are making their own dreams happen and embracing a life that they want to have.

Same applies for being who you want to be.  Just because we might have been born into a biological identity that wasn't our own it doesn't stop us from breaking out of that and making steps to become the people we want to be.

It's not easy, and it's scary but not every path in life will be paved with gold. 

I have been lucky to spend time with someone I know called B. He is amazing. When I met him last year in Athens I found that talking to him was a pleasure (as was taking photographs of him) but what I liked was that he is so bold and upfront about who he is and he doesn't have a fear about giving in to other people's judgements and bullshit.

I find him a delight to converse with and am pleased to have spent time with him whilst he has been here in London. In a strange way, just like last year I found that being around him and speaking with me, seemed to shift something inside of me which made me feel a lot more confident about making steps forward with my transition.

I am happy I am doing everything at the pace I am doing so.  I think last year if I would have changed my name and started intensely wanting to push things forward with regards to Charing Cross I think I would have gone into meltdown.

2010 was a interesting year in terms of how my emotions changed and how much I changed.  I definitely needed time to process everything taking place and even now I am still getting comfortable in the body I am in. I feel a lot stronger and a lot more confident than I did but this is because I feel I have had the time to assess what I really want and also to work through a few things.

I didn't realize how weird I would feel.  But now I do feel a strange almost inner 'zen' like state and I like it. Whatever has shifted in me has made me feel a strong sense of freedom.  I am closer to being the person both outside and inside that is Leng. It's the me I feel I am still getting to know.

I still think it was wise to do it in stages.

I don't have to prove anything to anyone or be at the same stage as others.  This is what I remind myself and suddenly in regard to any changes coming, things haven't felt half as scary. But this is what has worked for me.  Everyone's experience and way of doing things is different and will be different. This is the joy of it all.  Certain experiences will be collectively shared yet will be individually ventured.

Signed

Last Thursday my documents arrived for me to change my name.  I signed and had my lovely neighbour L countersign for me. I am now waiting for my certificates to come back and then I can start contacting the bank, my boss and all the other admin!

I can also submit the name change certificate to Charing Cross too as I have until March 10th to confirm formally that I want a place with them.  This will be a wonderful to enter the system with my new name of Leng Montgomery.

It feels surreal to finally have this as my name and in doing some name research I had a bit of a giggle.  The name Montgomery is one I have liked for a long time but before it legally becoming my new name I never bothered researching the meaning of it.  I did last week and it means "Powerful Man" quite fitting I thought. 

Saying that I could do with going to the gym a bit more as well as squash but for the last week and a bit I have been feeling ill. As I write this I now have a stinking cold, my sinuses are completely blocked and my nose is really painful.  That as well as coughing up green things, as well as hair like an 80s warewolf.

I feel very sexy right now. Not.

I know I will be better soon so no point dwelling on it.  It's just frustrating.

I had a wonderful weekend spent in Lisbon with E. I keep reliving that with lovely memories of a great place and having a lovey time.  I felt I reconnected with my camera having interestingly lit places to experiment with depth of field and frame and create photographs that I was creating with my minds eye before I was shooting them. It was wonderful.  That coupled with an AMAZING place to stay...the bed was so big we could both sleep like star fish and still have space.

The decor was some of the best interior design I have ever seen and the place was well located.  Navigation wasn't too complicated either, nd I managed to read a map the right way a couple of times so was pleased about that.

The food we ate too was reasonably priced and really lovely. I also liked that there was a passion about what was being served and created also. 

The people in Lisbon were really lovely.  Well with exception for E who seemed to attract the attentions of two rather slimy men on the metro.  The first guy was a real creep and I didn't see what he initially did but he kept looking at her, licking his lips and then touched his groin. That was disgusting and we moved very quickly.

But as a slight aside, why do people do things like that?  What does a person seek to achieve with that, like seriously?

The other slimy man kept looking at her in a slightly leery way but luckily he was going down an escalator and we were going up so there was no harm done. Also in any situation like this its all about the attitude one keeps.  E has a no nonsense approach to situations like this an takes no prisoner and that is something I admire about her.

It also reminds me of when my Mum used to drill into me not to respond to people being creepy and not to be afraid to speak up or out loudly that what someone is doing is wrong and that it's their problem.

For a mental note the slimeballs were to be found on the Green Line around Baixa-Chiado. So although the behaviour wasn't on at least we could isolate the exact area as to where it seemed to happen. 

Still there were so many beautiful and lovely other happenings going on that I feel confident to say that these two incidents were semi isolated.  We walked around Rossio area which was littered with wonderful tiles, had rides on wonderful trams and also had other adventures on giant lifts as well as going to one of the best aquariums ever. We also rode a cable car, too photos of more breathtaking architecture that Lisbon had to offer and then on our last day we went to Sintra.

There we explored some castles, did a mini hike and reluctantly returned, had some natas and then dragged ourselves to the airport.

If I could have barricaded myself in the room we were staying in I think I would have. 

The flight back was painful as by then my sinuses were in full on ouch mode and I can tell you having popping ears and a feeling of a metal vice across my face wasn't nice at all.  Still for every pleasure in life there is sometimes some form of pain.  Only I prefer it to be consensual - or negotiated at the very least.

It's all happening...

Since I last wrote this I am waiting for my Deed Poll documents, and since then Charing Cross has written back asking if I want to have an appointment. I'm very impressed with the speed of it all but now I feel charged with adrenaline and god knows what else as it's all happening at once.

I'm also slightly unwell at the moment (physically). But saw the doc today, having a blood test on Wednesday and then after that they will find out and investigate a little more what is going on. For that reason, even though feeling unwell is unpleasant I feel at ease that I know whatever is wrong it will get sorted out.

I must say having such a nice, proactive and efficient doctor really takes the stress and annoyance out of everything. With anything I know that if it needs investigating he will do it, without there having to be a battle or tension emerging.

He is a really lovely doctor to have, and I feel very lucky to be getting his support. Also as I think I might have said before but it's so shocking to have a doctor that wants to be helpful...I am still getting used to this.

This week my mind is whirring between many things.  I received lovely cards from E today which was lovely.  I have chosen something for her which I think is more than suitable and not marked so much with the spirit of hallmark but has something appropriate for both of our somewhat random and twisted senses of humour.

Also going away at the weekend which I am really excited about. I can't wait to explore but in the meantime I have quite a bit of work to plough through, body to get better and a whole load of other things.

As long as my brain applies itself and I forge ahead that is all I want.  I should receive my name change documents this week so once I get them and sign them it will be a big change starting.  I shall make a note of the date it all changes but then I think at some point in March or even April will plan a small party to mark this as I want to celebrate with people that are special to me and in lieu of not seeing some people over my Birthday I think a new day can be created.  Or might just wait until September when I am 2.

It sounds a bit strange being 27 and 2 all at the same time.  Trust me it's a pain in the arse sometimes when you find yourself having a tantrum over a salad, but this is what happens.

It's all about taking things as they come and doing what feels right.

This is one thing I am glad I have done throughout my transition. I am definitely ready to gear up a notch or two. Love and happiness from within depend on some of this in the sense that I need to put the work in now not just with myself but with my life.  Otherwise I know I will be sat on the floor and will feel stuck. I need to hyperbole my life a little bit more in order to move things along, make them happen.

I want to have a new passport by the end of Summer.  For that I need to step things up now.  I also have to bite the bullet, change everything officially because I know in my heart of hearts that this is the right path for me.

I can't work for a company that promotes people being themselves  and expressing themselves and being a fence sitter (in my own eyes). 

There is no doubt anymore or even a feeling that I should wait any longer.  The time is now.