Boundaries

There is something I have grown to accept during the stages of my transition and this was especially highlighted last week when I went to the bank.

This is a classic scenario of someone trying not to offend but makes comment after comment that makes you (and the person) feel as if you are crash test dummies.

I had a personal banker who I genuinely believe was coming from a good place and was trying not to be offensive but ended up having foot-in-mouth syndrome throughout my discussion with her.

I was in the bank to change over my name on my bank account and to have everything changed over to ‘Mr’ too.  At first it seemed straightforward but soon, I felt it became apparent that she wasn’t used to encountering people who have different genders.

Without meaning to sound too rude I think a same sex joint bank account was something she was used to in terms of having an ‘exotic’ demand placed upon her.  Still I don’t feel angry per se, but I feel a little strange.  Well I did, then I felt annoyed then I just feel a weird neutral sort of feeling.

She asked me if I had received counselling, as well as asking how my family were about it and again commented that “I think counselling is important”.  She also asked if my friends still speak to me and then my favourite moment “I haven’t had one like you in a while.”

I could almost smell the expiry date of when she last had diversity training.  It wasn’t as sour as milk gone bad so that was a slight relief. Still there are people like this and to be fair to her people like me aren’t who she encounters regularly and she didn’t know what to do.

I got a new bank card in two days which for me was a result, she changed my gender too on my bank records so that too was what I wanted. I did make her blush at one point though but I felt I had to have some kicks of my own. Also I didn’t feel upset by her as I know that there are people out there who don’t understand.

Many people do comfortably live in the gender they are born with. Or they comply with it.

Then there are people who challenge that and choose to live in the identities that is right for them.  I don’t expect people to understand, and I know there will be times that I have to challenge but a lot of understanding where people are concerned does seem to stem from what is their reality and how can they relate to something.

Present anyone with something unfamiliar and they are sometimes in a position of not knowing how to behave or what is right or wrong for a situation.  I am by no means excusing the behaviour but I think it’s important that I keep a sense of perspective. I don’t understand a lot of things about life and people.

For example, there are those who will deliberately do things to others that they know will hurt and upset them.  As there are people who try and justify their shitty behaviour all the time but never work on it.

These traits baffle me. As how I see it is if you know something is wrong or will cause problems or drama then why do it? Especially if it’s for kicks. I haven’t got a lot of time or patience for people who continually cause the same shit for themselves and others over and over again and never seek to rectify that.

Still such is life.

I don’t expect people to understand me automatically either.  But at the same time I don’t feel that I have to try and ‘prove’ myself to be something that makes them more comfortable either.

I have worked hard on becoming the person I want to be and for that I think it’s important that everything we do is worked on.  Happiness isn’t just something that automatically happens, we have to find ways in ourselves to be positive and to create happiness around us. I say this as I am someone who has had clinical depression for many years.

I have learned that there are ways in which we can do things that make a more positive base not just for ourselves but for people that are around us as well. It does take hard work, but I feel it is worth it.

I would much rather feel a life that is warm and full of love than feeling that life is hopeless and that I wake up every morning wishing I was dead.

I can have very bleak thoughts if I let myself slip into it or if I don’t deal with something effectively. Like everyone I have my triggers and I know what will and won’t set me off but again I seek to manage that.

I’m by no means perfect, but I like to stick to certain principles I hold.

Boundaries are important to me, keeping them and respecting them.

Mistaken Identity

I had a slightly sticky situation on my hands on Wednesday night, and had I missed a performance I was due to see with E then I think I would have had a very original excuse.  "Sorry Darling, I was late because I was accused of molesting someone on a tube platform and had no reception so couldn't call you". It would have been something along those lines.

I was stood on the platform when I had my arm grabbed and a woman was shouting at me telling me to take my hands off her. Within this someone to her other side did scuttle off and it people around me gave me very dirty looks. I was feeling slightly confused and I think a few survival instincts popped in.

To be accused of touching someone inappropriately or even sexually isn't an easy one.  So with my response to her I lied slightly.  I told her that I hadn't touched her and that I was a gay man. She calmed down quite quickly and when someone brought over a station porter who was asking her if she wanted to call the police she said no.  She did apologise too as she realised that the side of her I was stood on meant that it wasn't me and also (this is what she said to the station bloke) "he's gay".

Now my reasoning for telling her I was gay?  I wanted to get on a train as quickly as possible, I had a date with E and I didn't want to end up being horribly late for. I also wanted to make it clear to the woman that there was no way that I would be interested in her. 

Being male and getting accused of something like that is potentially tricky. Therefore to make things feel safe again for her I wanted her to feel reassured that I wouldn't be interested.

As for the chap that did touch her, I really hope his hands fall off.  It is possible that he could have also been trying to pick her pocket, but it sounded like he was doing something inappropriate given her reaction.

It really angers me that people will behave like that.  In Lisbon there were slimeballs on the tube there as well. Men really shouldn't behave like this or have it drilled into them that this isn't the way to behave towards women or anyone.

It was also ironic that this happened to me given that I am very respectful towards women and one thing I am borderline obsessed with is boundaries. I cannot stand the ways in which people will try and justify being selfish or acting in a 'free-for-all' manner where certain things are concerned. It is important to always consider how someone else feels or what consequences our actions will entail.

I have found that in some circles where it is all about boundaries and negotiation is where I do see some things getting blurry and in certain cases seeing people acting the most immature. From having various conversations though with people I do admire and do respect it seems that some people like to try and push that, or try and push their own agenda where possible.

Interestingly this is what seems to happen when something has a sexual element. When people feel horny or attracted to someone I think it's about not being able to convey their desire in the way they might have hoped.  I'll admit that I am clumsy and not always the best at trying to convey what I would like sometimes or have done things in ways that has felt like a demand to another.  Ultimately desire works both ways and we can't force or make people 'give' us what we want if they don't feel like it.  Otherwise it is a battle, and the lines around being aggressive and assertive can become a little bit hazy.


Ultimately people do have self control and all this bullshit I see sometimes where people try and pretend that things have happened accidentally is beneath me.

People touching people is a conscious thing. Either it is wanted or it is not wanted.

There has to be consent.

I am a little angry about what happened as I could have been in quite a sticky position because of the actions of someone else who didn't respect the woman or respect boundaries.

It's massively out of line and I am glad that she did make a loud fuss about what was happening.  It's just a shame she got the wrong person. 

Life

I am sometimes so gobsmacked as to how life is literally full of many mysteries and how we find ourselves morphing and changing.

In effect it's as if we are all in some state of transition. I've always been happy to see where we end up in life and how we feel about things.  To put it into something that might make sense, we never stop changing.  If you think about where you were at a year ago compared to where you're at now there will always be something different to consider and remember.

A very good friend of mine is due to give birth any second now and I remember this time last year hoping that she would be and she is.  I love it when people are making their own dreams happen and embracing a life that they want to have.

Same applies for being who you want to be.  Just because we might have been born into a biological identity that wasn't our own it doesn't stop us from breaking out of that and making steps to become the people we want to be.

It's not easy, and it's scary but not every path in life will be paved with gold. 

I have been lucky to spend time with someone I know called B. He is amazing. When I met him last year in Athens I found that talking to him was a pleasure (as was taking photographs of him) but what I liked was that he is so bold and upfront about who he is and he doesn't have a fear about giving in to other people's judgements and bullshit.

I find him a delight to converse with and am pleased to have spent time with him whilst he has been here in London. In a strange way, just like last year I found that being around him and speaking with me, seemed to shift something inside of me which made me feel a lot more confident about making steps forward with my transition.

I am happy I am doing everything at the pace I am doing so.  I think last year if I would have changed my name and started intensely wanting to push things forward with regards to Charing Cross I think I would have gone into meltdown.

2010 was a interesting year in terms of how my emotions changed and how much I changed.  I definitely needed time to process everything taking place and even now I am still getting comfortable in the body I am in. I feel a lot stronger and a lot more confident than I did but this is because I feel I have had the time to assess what I really want and also to work through a few things.

I didn't realize how weird I would feel.  But now I do feel a strange almost inner 'zen' like state and I like it. Whatever has shifted in me has made me feel a strong sense of freedom.  I am closer to being the person both outside and inside that is Leng. It's the me I feel I am still getting to know.

I still think it was wise to do it in stages.

I don't have to prove anything to anyone or be at the same stage as others.  This is what I remind myself and suddenly in regard to any changes coming, things haven't felt half as scary. But this is what has worked for me.  Everyone's experience and way of doing things is different and will be different. This is the joy of it all.  Certain experiences will be collectively shared yet will be individually ventured.

Signed

Last Thursday my documents arrived for me to change my name.  I signed and had my lovely neighbour L countersign for me. I am now waiting for my certificates to come back and then I can start contacting the bank, my boss and all the other admin!

I can also submit the name change certificate to Charing Cross too as I have until March 10th to confirm formally that I want a place with them.  This will be a wonderful to enter the system with my new name of Leng Montgomery.

It feels surreal to finally have this as my name and in doing some name research I had a bit of a giggle.  The name Montgomery is one I have liked for a long time but before it legally becoming my new name I never bothered researching the meaning of it.  I did last week and it means "Powerful Man" quite fitting I thought. 

Saying that I could do with going to the gym a bit more as well as squash but for the last week and a bit I have been feeling ill. As I write this I now have a stinking cold, my sinuses are completely blocked and my nose is really painful.  That as well as coughing up green things, as well as hair like an 80s warewolf.

I feel very sexy right now. Not.

I know I will be better soon so no point dwelling on it.  It's just frustrating.

I had a wonderful weekend spent in Lisbon with E. I keep reliving that with lovely memories of a great place and having a lovey time.  I felt I reconnected with my camera having interestingly lit places to experiment with depth of field and frame and create photographs that I was creating with my minds eye before I was shooting them. It was wonderful.  That coupled with an AMAZING place to stay...the bed was so big we could both sleep like star fish and still have space.

The decor was some of the best interior design I have ever seen and the place was well located.  Navigation wasn't too complicated either, nd I managed to read a map the right way a couple of times so was pleased about that.

The food we ate too was reasonably priced and really lovely. I also liked that there was a passion about what was being served and created also. 

The people in Lisbon were really lovely.  Well with exception for E who seemed to attract the attentions of two rather slimy men on the metro.  The first guy was a real creep and I didn't see what he initially did but he kept looking at her, licking his lips and then touched his groin. That was disgusting and we moved very quickly.

But as a slight aside, why do people do things like that?  What does a person seek to achieve with that, like seriously?

The other slimy man kept looking at her in a slightly leery way but luckily he was going down an escalator and we were going up so there was no harm done. Also in any situation like this its all about the attitude one keeps.  E has a no nonsense approach to situations like this an takes no prisoner and that is something I admire about her.

It also reminds me of when my Mum used to drill into me not to respond to people being creepy and not to be afraid to speak up or out loudly that what someone is doing is wrong and that it's their problem.

For a mental note the slimeballs were to be found on the Green Line around Baixa-Chiado. So although the behaviour wasn't on at least we could isolate the exact area as to where it seemed to happen. 

Still there were so many beautiful and lovely other happenings going on that I feel confident to say that these two incidents were semi isolated.  We walked around Rossio area which was littered with wonderful tiles, had rides on wonderful trams and also had other adventures on giant lifts as well as going to one of the best aquariums ever. We also rode a cable car, too photos of more breathtaking architecture that Lisbon had to offer and then on our last day we went to Sintra.

There we explored some castles, did a mini hike and reluctantly returned, had some natas and then dragged ourselves to the airport.

If I could have barricaded myself in the room we were staying in I think I would have. 

The flight back was painful as by then my sinuses were in full on ouch mode and I can tell you having popping ears and a feeling of a metal vice across my face wasn't nice at all.  Still for every pleasure in life there is sometimes some form of pain.  Only I prefer it to be consensual - or negotiated at the very least.

It's all happening...

Since I last wrote this I am waiting for my Deed Poll documents, and since then Charing Cross has written back asking if I want to have an appointment. I'm very impressed with the speed of it all but now I feel charged with adrenaline and god knows what else as it's all happening at once.

I'm also slightly unwell at the moment (physically). But saw the doc today, having a blood test on Wednesday and then after that they will find out and investigate a little more what is going on. For that reason, even though feeling unwell is unpleasant I feel at ease that I know whatever is wrong it will get sorted out.

I must say having such a nice, proactive and efficient doctor really takes the stress and annoyance out of everything. With anything I know that if it needs investigating he will do it, without there having to be a battle or tension emerging.

He is a really lovely doctor to have, and I feel very lucky to be getting his support. Also as I think I might have said before but it's so shocking to have a doctor that wants to be helpful...I am still getting used to this.

This week my mind is whirring between many things.  I received lovely cards from E today which was lovely.  I have chosen something for her which I think is more than suitable and not marked so much with the spirit of hallmark but has something appropriate for both of our somewhat random and twisted senses of humour.

Also going away at the weekend which I am really excited about. I can't wait to explore but in the meantime I have quite a bit of work to plough through, body to get better and a whole load of other things.

As long as my brain applies itself and I forge ahead that is all I want.  I should receive my name change documents this week so once I get them and sign them it will be a big change starting.  I shall make a note of the date it all changes but then I think at some point in March or even April will plan a small party to mark this as I want to celebrate with people that are special to me and in lieu of not seeing some people over my Birthday I think a new day can be created.  Or might just wait until September when I am 2.

It sounds a bit strange being 27 and 2 all at the same time.  Trust me it's a pain in the arse sometimes when you find yourself having a tantrum over a salad, but this is what happens.

It's all about taking things as they come and doing what feels right.

This is one thing I am glad I have done throughout my transition. I am definitely ready to gear up a notch or two. Love and happiness from within depend on some of this in the sense that I need to put the work in now not just with myself but with my life.  Otherwise I know I will be sat on the floor and will feel stuck. I need to hyperbole my life a little bit more in order to move things along, make them happen.

I want to have a new passport by the end of Summer.  For that I need to step things up now.  I also have to bite the bullet, change everything officially because I know in my heart of hearts that this is the right path for me.

I can't work for a company that promotes people being themselves  and expressing themselves and being a fence sitter (in my own eyes). 

There is no doubt anymore or even a feeling that I should wait any longer.  The time is now.

V Day is coming...

What does love mean to you?  This has been something of which I have been pondering slightly, and I think especially as Valentines Day gets closer. That is the reminder that there is a forced sense of romance coming anyhow.  But regardless as to whether you like it or consider it to be a 'Hallmark Holiday' we as people do like to celebrate and experience love - in whatever manifestation that it shall place itself in.

I consider myself a fairly romantic person in some respects. I don't think I need to write poems declaring my love on a daily basis, nor do I have to do unimaginative things such as send cuddly toys or send heart shaped pictures of everything to someone I have feelings for, but I like to feel that there is a warmth from relationships I have.  I only tell someone I love them if I mean it and also I know I love someone when I can push away any hang ups surrounding intimacy and emotional exchange.

If I tell someone I love them, it's a big deal.  I don't use the word lightly, and never say it unless I know I feel it.  I find this is a slightly more honest way of doing things. 

I think to truly love someone you can openly and happily say it without it being littered with complications or treating someone like they are a secret or that there is a weird connection to begin with.  Maybe I am slightly primitive in my thinking but I think if someone wants the right to make demands on another person, or have boundaries set out for how they interact with others, then if its because someone does love another then they should have the balls to say so and to demonstrate as such.  Otherwise I see a weird game of control being played out.

Still that is also the romantic in me preaching slightly.  But I do think if you truly love someone then there shouldn't be a problem in openly acknowledging that, as I think it's important to be proud of who you are with. Or the people you are with if that is the case.

But people express love differently.  I am fast learning this.  Some people do it by gesture - be it small or big it is a person's way of individualising their expression.  I have a friend who definitely shows his love for people in the way he cooks.  It is amazing seeing the intricacy and intimacy that stems from his expression on a plate and for the entire experience you receive when you are in his company.

My own Mother does the same if she is cooking me my favorite things.

E is very vocal about expressing herself but she also does so through gestures.  

I do the same. I also like to make sure I remember things that are special to a person, such as a time or place.  If I know they haven't experienced something before that I think they would like and where possible I try to facilitate that happening. But another thing that I have become acutely aware of recently is how well do I express myself to others?  Also do I let people know I care enough?  Its tricky sometimes especially when I know I have moments where I find it hard to feel warmth from other people so I don't know in some ways if I have been doing a good enough job of expressing warmth back.

This is where some other aspects of love can become slightly tricky and that is does intention meet the actions? I really hope it does but at the same time it is sometimes a case of wait and see. As long as the intention is there and there is an honesty then I think we can't go wrong with that as a starting block.

Although I have to admit there are some things to do with love that scare me - being close to people emotionally and physically can be difficult sometimes yet I do know if I meet people where there are strong feelings then I can and am willing to push those feelings down and will take a risk. But the other thing I don't like about feeling romantically inclined is that sometimes I feel certain things magnified if I feel a sense of disharmony emerging.

I also hate how crap I feel if I upset someone I really care about, but fortunately that doesn't seem to happen too often so am quite lucky in that respect. But at the same time no one's perfect but I think it's good to learn from past mistakes. But at the same time I think it's wise not to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.

But again I respect and acknowledge that people will do things differently.  I am by no means trying to be self-righteous but at the same time I know that I have been working hard to transform myself.  This is something still in process and as T said to me recently transition is 'an evolution' and I really understand what he means by that.

The main thing I concentrate on at the moment is trying to remember what I am and what I am not.  I have had to be honest internally about so many things over the past year and even in the last couple of weeks.

I am very excited about getting my deed poll documents and doing the name change.  After it has become more official in the sense that I have new post and new bank cards I shall then plan a party to mark that.  I have a few ideas up my sleeve as to what I would want to potentially do and like a true queen I am not sure if I would mark having my new name as my second 'birthday' or mark September 18th as a date that I started transitioning.  All of the dates will be special to me and I suppose I don't have to decide as of yet so will just see what feels right.

I also have to work on using a new signature too as currently I keep getting lost as to what to sign! Or how to sign.

So far L.Monty is something I am growing quite attached to.

Name Change

It's going to happen, like really going to happen. 

I just need the right forms, right paper, right signatures and hey presto it's done!  Oh and some witnesses would be great as well.  So far I think I will most likely ask my Mother and E to be witnesses, but will double check that it is someone who isn't a relative.

I feel really strange all of a sudden but in a good way.  I will no longer be Cleo anymore. Within three months I can start to do things like have new bank cards, new name on all my utility bills, bank statements, correspondence.

I have already started having things delivered in the name of Mr Leng Montgomery and I love how it looks on a packing label.

Seeing it, just feels right and gives me a fuzzy, warm feeling in my stomach. Rather than my legal name which makes me feel that it is a stranger being referred to.

Still one step at a time, need to do the name, get stuff signed, then start doing the changeover. This to me feels like phase two beginning and with that there is new energy surfacing. 

I am considering planning something to mark this, but haven't decided what as of yet.