Monday, 14 June 2010

9 Months Later...

I have realised that I have been binding every day now for just under 9 months. In this time so much has changed. I found myself thinking about this lots this morning.

I will still never forget the Cinderella trying on the shoe moment that happened when I slipped on the binder and rearranged my chest slightly to give a flatter appearance. I felt as if I had started to grow taller, instantly, as my chest looked physically flatter. I wanted to stand taller, I didn't feel like I had breasts and where they spread made me feel like I was wearing a muscly set of armor across my chest.

I could now face the world and not feel so vulnerable as my chest wouldn't get attention. I also didn't feel that I felt so female anymore.

It was at that time I felt that I started stepping away from being Cleo and embracing my male side. I felt a near euphoric feeling that I could stand straighter and have my chest out without feeling that I had breasts attached.

It was a rather tight feeling too feeling tightly bound in my t shirt but it also made me realise how differently clothes sat on me and

Initially I thought I would just bind, wasn't too sure about using 'he' pronouns although I felt far more masculine and felt a tremendous surge of something bubbling up inside of me. I suddenly felt as if I was alive again. The world became a new place and SF was the perfect place in which to start my adventure.

When I returned my parents and some of my friends seemed to think I came back a different person...I felt like I was. In a near spiritual way it was like doing some sort of pilgrimage type thing.

Last September's trip out to SF was one of the best spontaneous things I think I have ever done in my life.

Since then I have finished my degree, made more friends, had many many adventures and do things I didn't think I would do. My life has turned into one random adventure to another and there have been some days that haven't been so good but in general I see the world through different eyes.

My personal life has been really interesting too. Before I would be more promiscuous than I am now, and I am not against it at all but really since I broke up with S last year I have been far more picky about who I sleep with but also how I think about how I am with people. Especially as in effect I am still female bodied but want to be treated as male and seen as male. It's not the easiest thing to really explain or expect it to make sense to people.

Luckily I am in a relationship with someone who really does seem to understand me and loves me completely for the person I am. I do feel lucky to have made that sort of connection with someone. For a while I didn't think I would. I thought of myself as being good as a little fling, or maybe a nice person to have a constructed date but not someone that someone else would want to be with. But maybe that is some of my own insecurities speaking.

For a little while I felt strange, as well as slightly exotic. I was getting attention but for a while for me it was hard to decide whether or not people were attracted to me for me or because I was being fetishised in some way.

I knew I was still trying to find my feet a bit with this whenever I went out. The start of what toilet to use was beginning as well as when out I would get very very drunk. I had to remind myself that there is a difference between vodka and water...water quenches thirst, vodka makes you forget and gives you a headache.

I wasn't expecting to experience what can only be described as a second puberty but within that there came shyness and now there is just a feeling that can only described as being the new kid at school. Everything feels new and is different.

My values have changed and I find that really nice. I feel less embryonic as I did before yet at the same time I get scared sometimes - well quite a bit of the time as I don't really know what is around the corner, where I will be and sometimes who I am. I don't like pretending that I am something I am not though where possible as I find that feelings surrounding that will always come back and bite me on the bum.

Yet at the same time I wouldn't go back to the life I had before as that wasn't me and I think that definitely was a reason why I was very unhappy at times as I never felt that I knew who I really was or could be the person I want to be.

Now I feel I am the person I want to be, but I need to wait to make more adjustments to assist in that.

On a day like today I was definitely day where I wasn't passing. I don't know why but getting called "young lady" felt very weird, but at the same time it happens sometimes and it will happen from time to time. It's no tragedy and I won't be losing sleep over it. I do feel a twinge of disappointment but at the same time I know in other situations I haven't had too many problems in passing. But that is something I have come to expect.

I know I am a bit different, I am not taking hormones either which maybe if I was it might be easier to pass? Who knows? I will only take hormones though if I decide to and not because I want to out of feeling any pressure that I 'should'.

I care more about how I feel on the inside and to me being comfortable with who I am is really important. I feel more and more male everyday and I am identifying comfortably like that as it does feel 'right'. I don't know how far I shall go - for example I have no desire to take hormones, nor have a hysterectomy or anything like that.

But I don't feel that I am female anymore and that is what I concentrate on rather than looking at too many side issues around that, as otherwise I find myself going around in circles or I would drive myself insane from placing too much pressure on myself.

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