Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Ex Lesbian

I feel this is a suitable title for myself as well that is in effect what I am. It started off as a bit of a joke to see myself as that, but the more I think about it and the more I look around I kind of feel that there is an element of truth in this.

But then I sometimes think what am I? Given that I would want to be with women that do things with female bodied people as I feel they would understand who I am a little better. But at the same time for me it feels wrong to call myself a lesbian as to me being a lesbian signifies the relationship and love that two women have for one another. I'm not a woman and I'm not quite a man.


This is where I know I am queer. I'm not a lady and being surrounded by ladies or feeling that I am being included in being called a lady really doesn't sit right with me. It might sound absolutely silly on my part and maybe it is but I feel male and that is what I like to present myself as. The thought of wearing heels and a skirt and wearing make up has always to me made me think that I would be a drag queen if I was dressing in that manner.

(Obviously if you are female it also doesn't mean you automatically wear heels, make up and a skirt either.)

Girly things work well on others and not me.

I started remembering all manner of things from being a child and one was that I always thought and felt a bit like I was a little boy, but one of those delicate boys - you know, the ones that would play with a watering can rather than be roughing and tumbling around smashing two cars together. I used to like to read and be in the company of girls but I never felt like I was one of them.

Puberty confirmed this when I used to try and desperately fancy boys on posters but I would really like women. I couldn't admit that for a while as I didn't feel there was anything wrong as such but at the same time I wanted to feel that I vaguely fitted in.

In my friendship group at school I always felt like I was the guy of the group. Even when with my female friends I see myself as the gayish man/metroman amongst them. I even have fag hags which I adore as it means we talk about fluff but I still feel like I am the guy amongst the girls.

Coming out at 15, it was easy to think I was a lesbian and for many years I felt I was one. I put my feelings of feeling male all down to the fact that I was a lesbian. Yet even in very lesbiany places I never felt I fitted right either. Right now if I am in a space like that I feel like I don't belong in there and I don't feel comfortable.

Yet many of my friends are lesbian, I used to photograph regularly for a lesbian magazine AND I used to feel that I was one, but just not one that was part of the mainstream scene even though I seemed to live in it.

(Reading all this back I am aware as to what a contradiction I am sounding like myself)

Having a female body with breasts in particular has always been an issue to me, yet at the same time having female genitalia doesn't bother me, but having breasts does.

That to me is too feminine for who I am, and I did used to wish that there were ways to hide it, as I used to feel at first that if I concealed it then I would be found out. People would still think that I was a girl and I would never be able to escape what I am underneath it all.

Yet right now I don't know exactly how far I will go when I do transition more. I am definitely going to have surgery on my chest. Initially I wanted a breast reduction but I know I will have them completely removed as I really can't stand having them and I know I will feel a lot better about my body if I have no breasts. At the same time I have no desire to take Testosterone. I'm not against it and I have seen the changes on others and yes everyone I know that is taking it looks fantastic and I see how much it has helped them. But at the same time I don't know if I want that or if I need it.

I have of late preferred to just to get to know who I am and keep a balance as to dealing the changes taking place within me.

I do want to work with what I have as much as possible and also some side effects to T I don't think I really want in my life right now. Without taking T I have found a few changes that have started taking place in my body which I do find really fascinating since I started to identify and transition towards being male.

For example my temperament has changed a lot. I sometimes feel far more aggressive than I ever felt before, yet I do still have a lot of sensitivity in me. I will always be more of a sensitive guy than a big, bold, brash macho man. That wouldn't be me and it isn't me. My sweat seems different in smell, my body hair grows quickly and my libido is higher than it ever was before.

I find that exciting yet at the same time it can be really challenging sometimes. Especially if it feels like my body has constant perma-horn. I know T makes that much worse so given that I would like to leave my bed at some point everyday I think right now that is another reason that might be wise not to have any.

But that might change that might not. I do think that in order to transition I don't need to have hormones in order to do that. If I do it will be out of personal choice and I don't want to bow to any pressures of that "I should" if I do it shall be my choice.

I am deliberately doing everything one step at a time as I think its important to work with what you are individually comfortable with and what you know you want to do.

Everyday is a new learning experience though and that is how I am keeping things for now.

1 comment:

  1. Great post L', in fact they all are :) i can see my own journey so clearly in your words. Keep writing!