Monday, 7 June 2010

Heavy Brain

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. In fact I think I spend around 80% of my life thinking - usually my thoughts surround food, sex and what am I doing with my life. Followed by am I achieving enough? Am I sticking to plans I have made? Am I taking photos that I am proud of? I also feel an incredibly intense pressure on me nearly all the time and I sometimes find it hard to identify where it is actually coming from.

Recently I seem to be having a stage where I just feel that I am rubbish at everything but at the same time there is a massive contradiction in there as I am achieving well and I am working on things. I never sit idle, nor do I find that I have days where I do nothing so I think I need to remind myself of that.

I'm not sure if this is what comes with the territory of having a creative mindset, coupled with having a mentality of acting like a hamster on a wheel. Needless to say is that I need to manage it better as its not nice and it feels lame. It also annoys me and I am sure it annoys people around me too.

I set myself a lot of goals which when I think about it more translates to pressure. Recently I had to put things into context a little when I started having thoughts that I wasn't doing well in life because some of my friends are older than me, have established careers and all do various things that realistically they weren't doing at my age. I had to remind myself that at this point in life I won't own my own house, or be well and truly entrapped within a career structure as of yet.

But right now I am in an amazing position where I am trying lots of things out and am working for myself primarily. It is unique and with some business ideas I worry sometimes as to whether or not they will work, but you don't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. I have until I am 30 to stop fucking things up. That is my new thing I am reminding myself of.

Like Stalin, I made a few 5 year plans and some targets within them will definitely happen but one or two things are pretty much down to fate, ie if I end up married or thinking about children or having a pet.

My main priorities right now revolve around creating new work, changing my name legally (I think that will be a separate blog in itself) making some current projects happen and to continue collaborating and working with other people and to believe more in myself.

My main problem is that there is sometimes something in me that just wants to forget the positive things around me and concentrate on aspects that suggest I am shit at doing stuff when the reality is that I'm not. Everything is relative but I sometimes seem to lose sight of that.

I am very lucky that at this stage of my life to know that I have very supportive parents to the fact that I am changing gender - many people don't have this reality and for that I am very thankful. Particularly as I know not everyone will have this sort of support available to them.

I also really appreciate my friends, they are always honest with me and always tell me what they think and do sometimes challenge me in ways that I need it. They never tell me hat I want to hear and I really like that as I really like it when people are direct with me.

But from various conversations I have had with many people recently I have discovered a few things. I need to improve on my self confidence - although I must say its not easy. I really wish I could be cocky and arrogant but that just isn't me. People that are like that make me want to cringe, and quite actively at that!

If for the next however how long I just get my nose down, apply myself, try some other work things out and find some things that start working for me I will feel slightly less in flux and that I am drifting. I know it is common to have a disjointed feeling straight after you finish university - as many people have told me.

I know there will be a calm soon where I can just feel comfortable somewhere but right now I feel slightly in flux and all the changes I am experiencing at the moment sometimes clobber me a little.

Over the weekend I saw lots of friends, had a really lovely time with E, saw my parents and a few things have forged ahead well with a project we are working on and the main thing I have been left with feeling is that there is security that I have people who love me, care about me and respect me.

I'm not starving and I have somewhere nice to live. I just have to take a deep breath and carry on.

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