Isn't it delightful, the week prior giving the urge to kill most things in sight, followed by feeling that the end of the world is nigh and then going from feeling sensitive being to bloated and sick.
It also marks that moment where I remember that I am in fact female.
Goodbye Masculinity (well for a few days anyhow)
Today my period arrived and usually I am not that phased by it but today I felt really self conscious when I bought tampons. I also find it irritating how expensive they are too, and before anyone says it I will not be wearing a Mooncup. I tried one before and I hated it. I also don't like the way people seem to be taken into some secret Mooncup occult that all sing, sway and spill it's praises. Literally I have seen ornamental kunst art spilling of it's contents (as well as faux contents) for myself.
I'm not against silicon per se but for some reason Mooncups ick me out. Same goes with things like speculum's too. I've always been a little bit afraid of things like as I find the thought of it rather invasive. I don't see my current genitalia as relating to any particular gender, but at the same time I do see myself as a man with a c*nt unless I'm packing and then I feel as if I am a young man with a massive boner which is equally gratifying. As well as makes for heightened sexual desire and sometimes what feels like unstoppable horn.
But that can sometimes have a few problems. Such as last year when on a plane I had such bad horn that it was almost crippling and I think one of the contributing factors to why I nearly got banned from flying with United airlines on account of having air rage.
That frustration, coupled with a number of other frustrations did aide in me losing my rag at another passenger and I ended up shouting and swearing at her. The best bit came when the air stewardess first called me sir, then ma'am and my retort was "Gender Indifferent".
After I calmed down I did apologise to the passenger and when we landed it was marvelous as no one wanted to go near me so getting my bag out of the locker and exiting the plane was somewhat of a breeze. It wasn't my proudest moment and anyone who knows me well would know that I am one of few people that are known for losing their temper easily. For the most part I keep a lid on it but that was in September at the start of my gender changes and one surge I did feel other than libido was my aggression levels.
Feeling connections with both sexual parts of me seems to make my libido grow too as I feel that I am now re-exploring my body given that I now identify as male and feel more male. It is almost a feeling that I am starting again, and sometimes I find I get really shy at really strange moments or will filled with a sense of happiness and exciteable butterflies if E so much as smiles at me or finding simple pleasures like waking up together feeling like its a massive luxury.
To be fair though, I think its good not to be complacent in any type of relationship you have with people and to appreciate the little things - its so easy when with someone to get lazy, but I think it's better not to. But saying that what happens in theory and in practice can be two different things altogether.
One thing that has always been the case for me is that I have always been a very sexual being. Within that I have had many adventures that have been fueled by my urges and curiosities as well as wanting to explore things and test my boundaries. Only within that I am willing to challenge myself but I don't want to all out massacre myself either. There isn't a point in doing that and also it means I am not respecting myself.
I feel it's good to learn that one, in whatever form that may take.
My three main passions in life are sex, food and photography. Those to me form a holy trinity (or tranity in my case!) but again my relationships with all three have changed rather significantly.
For example I will always be a massive foodie, but before the problem was I looked like one. I love food but food loved me back a little too much and didn't quite understand that it needed to let go of me. I am glad to have changed the way I eat and what I eat as well as how much exercise I do in a week, I have recently wanted to up my exercise a bit more as I am not quite yet at my target weight and I don't feel I am muscly enough.
E has much more muscle than me which I adore but its good as it motivates me to want to work on mine a little more.
With my photography, following my end of year show, I do feel more motivated to want to try different styles of project out so that I don't feel that the only photography I do is revolving around social events. Again it's all about expanding what I do and I think having enough confidence and faith in my own work. I don't like showing off very much and I like my work to be appreciated but I don't think I'll ever be the next best thing in photography as I don't have that competitive angle in line to the way I see my work.
My only criteria and passion is that my work is enjoyed, and that it can be understood by people viewing it. I really tire of work I see by artists and photographers that are so cryptic to work out what it is the piece is saying and other pieces of art offends me when it is so heavily conceptualised that it can only be described as "The Emperor's New Art" or words to that effect. But like all topics like that everyone has a different opinion as to what makes a good piece of art from what makes a bad piece. I just hate pieces that in effect mock the viewer. That to me is what makes it a bit elitist in some ways and I think puts people off from wanting to find out more.
That is a shame in itself in many ways as there are so many wonderful genres and formats in which we can connect with the visual presence created by a person. Just the narratives presented to us as well as the visual imaginations laid bare for us to interact with are one of the many reasons I enjoy arts based things so much to watch and connect with.
I love contemporary dance, ballet for the movement and the non verbal communication. As well as going to galleries or looking at photo books. I literally could and would spend hours doing that and I quite frequently do. Although my gallery attendance has been lesser recently but that is because I have been going to performance and cinema more.
It is a no brainer as to why I have a limited wardrobe sometimes but at the same time I like that I do see a lot of cultural things, as well as enjoying meals out and nice drinks out from time to time as well. But even cheap eats can rack up as I've discovered.
At the same time you only get one life and that is to be enjoyed and experienced to the max. being miserable wastes parts of life and the feeling that we are living as oppose to existing.
Life is that never ending journey and that is one thing I am liking about being on the wrong side of my twenties is the disassociation starting to happen with youth. Or feeling that I am so young and still thinking that everyone else is a grown up and one day I shall be one too...