I have been having a slight debate with myself about how well I 'pass' sometimes. On the rarer occasions that I am discovered to be either female or given the look that suggests "she is a lesbian" - I do sometimes find myself feeling really weird about it all.
I feel that factually it is true that I was a lesbian, and I would have said that I identified as female. For 10 years I did. I remember being a teenager thinking that I was happy to have long hair, but things like make up always made me feel ill and as for bra shopping I couldn't think of anything worse. I always felt like I was a pervy man who didn't belong amongst the lace clad bras of M&S.
I craved pecs not breasts and even when I used to wear my school uniform I used to think of myself as a little boy going to school. I always found that girly chats involving magazines and eating chocolate a little boring at times. The annoying questions of "what are you wearing?" "Does my bum look big in this" and sweet smelling perfume just felt completely alien to me.
To make it worse, having a chest size of DD naturally doesn't help either. I feel as if I have two oranges in a pair of tights, dangling from my chest like giant conkers. Only if you bash them together they don't disappear. It's a nice fantasy though!
Luckily I was never made to dress like a girl, so I didn't. Growing up I always felt like the bloke of my house and in many ways I was.
Still one day I will have my surgery but I know deep down I am not ready for that now even if I did have the money.
I just want to be seen as a man with a c*nt. That to me makes sense, that feels most comfortable to me yet there are the occasional moments like now where I feel as if I am stuck between two genders. For the most part it doesn't bother me but it does make me look at the world a lot differently and there are certain learned behaviours I have had to unlearn. Such as remembering to leave the toilet seat up and not to make much eye contact if using the Gents.
In the gym today I challenged myself to see how well I passed by using the ladies locker rooms. I got one comment from an older woman reminding me that this was the ladies! I felt so happy inside, and perversely I did find I got a kick out of feeling that I didn't belong in there. I was almost tempted to beg to be told off or called a 'dirty boy' or something along those lines, but perhaps that wasn't necessary as I seem to know plenty of people who would do that without it being down to viewing the world in such a blue/pink gendered approach to seeing people.
I have been going to the gym a lot at the moment, and I shall continue to do so as I am aware that I need to do everything I can to change the natural shape of my body. I want it to be less easy to wonder if I am female as much as possible. Hence why I do go to the gym in my binder and have found that when I work out I have stopped wearing t shirts and have switched to using a vest as it shows off the fact I have hairy armpits which has helped me pass.
I think I will have to work a little on my voice sometimes as I feel that is what gives me away or if I have a day where I don't bind flat enough but I am also aware that there are health implications to doing this. Yet at the same time I feel happier when I do so.
It's a bit of a catch 22 situation sometimes. But I do generally see it as one big learning curve and it is part of a journey I suppose.
There will be a day where I don't have breasts anymore and where my arms and rest of my body are more muscular so it will be harder to differentiate me from other men.
I started binding every day on the 17th September 2009 in San Francisco and I have never been happier with my body since. I feel happier when I am exercising more as my body feels stronger but also I feel less worried that I am fat which then translates in my mind to feeling unattractive.
Since last year I have dropped 2 stone in weight which for the metric minded of anyone reading this is the same as 13kg. I'm fairly tall so that helps but still I am pleased that I have managed to get that amount of weight off. Hopefully by August I will be 11.5 stone. That is a target I have in mind and at least by having that I feel it stops me becoming complacent.
Summer helps keep weight down for me, as does a variety of other things too. I still get butterflies in my stomach whenever I see E, which in turn helps me eat less, and also it seems if I get excited, sad, very happy I also seem to lose my appetite.
I do love food though. I think about it a lot, day dream about it, read about it I am a self confessed foodie, but I won't allow myself to get into too many bad habits that I was in before. I did find that changing my relationship with food helped. But that to me was a personal choice. As is a lot of things in life.
I don't believe in preaching to others how they should or shouldn't live but one thing I am fast learning and discovering is ways in which an individual can live in order to create his or her own happiness. It has to come from within. It ideally shouldn't come at the cost of making life unhappy for others surrounding someone either.
Since I started my transition I have found that I have placed myself on an emotional roller coaster as I am sure that this blog shall map out from time to time.
Still today has been a good pass day and hopefully I shall maintain that for a while.