Tuesday, 22 June 2010

Brain Whirrr

Do you ever get those moments whereby you know you should be winding down to sleep and your brain suddenly seems to find its inner caffeine or whatever the hell it is and before you know it you're sat bolt upright again and the whole world is whirring.

Well that is my current state of flux as I write this.  My brain is awake and my mind is ticking over all manner of things. Tonight's main topic of the brain is what is going to change next? Right now my life feels as if it is subject to change and for the most part I find it exciting but sometimes I get the odd bite (like now) where I feel I need to tread carefully. Especially given how quickly things have changed since September and within that I know I need to remember to breathe otherwise I get overwhelmed, my anxieties start creeping in and I start feeling like a freak or just confused by who I am, where I am going and what I am going to do in life.

I had a few interesting emails today and something that cropped up in one was someone talking about what happened to them this time last year and after that it led me to start thinking about what happened this time last year.

In short I was a mess. With the power of hindsight I can see now that it was all necessary in a way, yet at the same time - ouch! It was ouch for me, ouch for someone else and in many ways it became what can almost be described as an Epiphany.

I knew my life was never going to be the same again, but between June and September I was in a lot of pain and I felt guilty and weighed down by guilt. Why you might wonder? Well in short I ended a relationship with someone and I felt terrible about hurting them. At the same time our relationship wasn't working and I think we are definitely doing much better in our lives without each other.

Still that is a pitfall of being in a relationship - they can either strengthen you or they can destroy you (well if you let them that is). That is the risk everyone takes when they form a relationship.  Just like in life there are some exes that you will be friends with and some that you will not. In order to find happiness and find out who I really was I needed to be alone. I also knew that changes were happening and that I needed to make some drastic changes in my life. It's scary feeling pulled in every possible direction but nothing around you making sense.

I need a sense of consistency or at least a feeling of it otherwise I feel like I am drowning. It's not a nice place to be in, and not a place I choose or will tolerate for a prolonged period of time.

Even now I hate it when I feel things that don't make sense or I don't know the root of what exactly is wrong. Clarity is something I think I am borderline obsessed with. I like to know where I am at with things, even if it isn't favorable.

Not knowing, or feeling that I am floating in limbo unnerves me slightly. But I know many people feel like that so it's not like its something new or that it sets me apart from everyone else too drastically.


During this time last year I knew I needed to explore some of these facets of confusion I was feeling.  I also needed to confront a few things too.  There are shades of my personality which aren't nice for those close to me and I am aware of that.

I hate that I have felt very sad at times to the point that people have worried about me or that some have seen me as a weak person. It isn't very empowering to be seen as a wimp or feel that you are a wimp.

At the same time I am not someone without feelings, nor do I feel I need to have a false shell of armor around me or pretend to be a 'tough guy'. That isn't representative of who I am and I don't want to feel that I am living under a facade.

But there is a balance that needs to be found and met. Sometimes you do have to push your feelings down a little, bite your lip and just carry on otherwise no one would get out of bed in the morning.

Life has funny ways of telling you things. Just like when you wake up some days and there is something that doesn't quite feel right - we can't explain it but there is usually something bubbling away in the subconscious. That is something not to be underestimated as it does count a lot for our own actions and how we react to situations.

Discovering that I was moving further from being female did initially scare me and I resisted it a little, yet at the same time I knew that I preferred to allow my masculinity to come through.  I felt stronger and more comfortable when I started to embrace that side of me in a way that I never quite imagined I would. Suddenly a lot of my apprehensions and feeling awkward disappeared.  As I felt I had started the process (that I am still in now) in discovering who it is I actually am.

I always felt inside I was a man. In any relationship I have been in I have always adopted the role of being the bloke in the relationship. That sits nicer than feeling I am someone's girlfriend. Being a boy or a man, or a fellow or a chap just feels right for me.

Yet sexually I have never found I have always needed to have a cock. Nor wanted to. I prefer to use other parts of my body too as well as a cock but even with that things have changed.  I feel a much deeper connection with it than I ever did before, but I am more choosy as to how and when I use it. Partly because I do feel now that it is very much a part of me, and that attachment isn't a case of it being just a sexual accessory or a tool.

Since the initial feeling of that of being a teenage boy that is still a virgin, I am glad I seem to have worked through some of my insecurities, clumsiness and awkward feelings surrounding that. It was awful for a few months as sexually I felt like I was starting again.

In many ways I am, as now I do identify as male there are certain things that have changed for me and are still shifting around. But again that is a process of discovery. I am lucky to have found people to be understanding about that too and I haven't felt pressured to be anything I am not and also people that have been nice enough to accept that I do sometimes get shy and I don't feel I know what I am doing.

The irony in all of this is that it isn't that I am not experienced as I am. But as a male I do sometimes feel that I am still finding my feet.

Because of this, that is another reason as to why I don't want to take T. I want to work with what I have right now and feel comfortable being in my new skin before any other alterations take place.  Also with certain chemical and emotional changes taking place right now I want to feel a stronger sense of my natural masculinity before I consider placing hormones in my system which will have bigger effects to the ones that are currently taking place.

Maybe one day I will or maybe I won't.  But I refuse to feel that I will be taking it in order to 'conform' with what it is I 'should' do. I just want to be a man with a c*nt.  It really is that simple.  Well in my mind anyway.

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