Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Now It All Makes Sense...

I had a few strange dreams last night and recently have found that I have been remembering many things from my childhood.  From that it is definitely a bit of a start point from where things began especially where my gender feelings are concerned.

From age 6, I refused to wear dresses and skirts.  My Mum recently told me that I came home from school one day in a lovely yellow dress and I was refusing to wear it anymore and was even tugging at it (sorry Mumsie!) as I announced that I wanted to be a boy.  As the boys had more computer time.  From that day on I never did wear a dress again (out of choice) and people around me and in my school always asked me if I wanted to be a biy and I would quite frequently say yes.

This was when I was in Nottingham. I would also be out everywhere on my bike and I didn't have many close close friends at that time. When in the playground I would often spend time alone as I never felt I needed to be around people that much and I preferred to have my own adventures. I also felt thoroughly pissed off that the boys wouldn't let me play football sometimes because I was still a girl but then there were nice boys that said I wanted to be a boy so I could play with them.

The rest of my time there I would be climbing trees, riding my bike and I used to explore a lot of places alone. It wasn't that I was a loner, I just didn't feel that I 'needed' people to go to places with nor did I need people around me all the time.

I suppose in someways I am still a bit like that now.  In light to going out somewhere socially or even clubbing I used to and will happily go out somewhere alone.  As I hate feeling that I depend on people in any way and I like the freedom that comes with going where you want, when you want.  Now I find I always have people to chat to as 9 times out of 10 I would have taken their picture, but even in the days where I didn't know anyone I just liked exploring.

When we moved to London when I was 9 I remember the first school I went to.  It was right in the middle of Harlesden and I hated it.  I got bullied quite a bit there but that aside the thing I hated most is that I had to wear a skirt.  I used to wish I could wear schoolboy shorts.  Although I had long hair throughout that time I always visualised myself as a little boy. It was then from those moments in the mirror in the toilets that I did find myself feeling that I was different.

I knew then, that the thought of saying I had a boyfriend just sounded really wrong to me and inside I thought that the sound of saying I had a wife or a girlfriend sounded much nicer. But for the most part I kept that to myself as I knew that expressing it would really cast me out from everyone else.

When I was at school I was that kid who was a bit more sensitive, who wouldn't say boo to a goose a lot of the time and people would manipulate so naturally saying stuff out of the ordinary might cause a bit more trouble.

Still a bit later on we left Harlesden (thankfully) and went over to Wood Green.  I did like my primary school there quite a bit, as they were very positive about girls football so I mostly played football every day and found I could which was great.  I hated doing girly things and it was nice being at an age where you didn't have to do typically girly things.

Secondary school was where it got interesting.  Well in some ways. Puberty was going to happen and for a few years I always felt there was a pressure to be more girly thrust upon us as well as the whole girls hanging together in their various groups and boys packing together too.

From being at primary school I had usually found myself with one crush on a female teacher, I ended up with a massive crush on my chemistry teacher but obviously I never told anyone.  But I do laugh whenever I think about it now as I developed such an interest in Chemistry that I would even go to a lunch time science club thing with half the geeks and she would usually pop in and Oh My God, my heart used to pound I would feel like blushing instantly yet if she didn't come I would feel gutted.

I still blush a bit to this day as to how bad the crush was.  I also fancied another teacher before her but not on the same scale. Luckily in all my other subjects my teachers were rather ugly or male so that did help in terms of being able to concentrate.

Each time I had a crush though I always fantasized that I was the male version of myself. I never felt that my outer aesthetic matched my inner self image which once puberty set in was quite horrible.  Especially as I wished I was someone who had a tiny chest, but I wasn't which I felt was a curse. I also knew I was different from everyone else but a lot of the time I couldn't work out why.

I put a lot of it down to being a lesbian and justifying a lot of my initial thoughts on identity around that. But in my first days of clubbing, back when The Ghetto was in its hey day I still felt slightly out of place where women were concerned. I actually preferred using the Gent's as I would eye up the girls a little but I always felt I was doing so in a way a bloke would. I didn't see myself as being one of those girls either. It was confusing.  I knew I was a lesbian, but one who didn't wear make up.  I didn't feel that I was a butch lesbian either I did feel that I was a manly lesbian.  This would explain why I never pulled in The Ghetto (yet it seemed I pulled everywhere else).  The same applied to very girly spaces like The Candy Bar (yes I admit I went for a while) I knew it was full of lesbians but again I never quite felt that I fitted in there either.

I found places that were a bit more queer were far more relaxing as I did find that I didn't feel that I was such an oddball and that there were people who could express themselves in a very fluid manner. Still I did hold onto being a lesbian for a long time as I felt that I was that and also it was the only thing that made sense to me.

I also didn't have the confidence to really explore my masculinity.  I knew it was there but for some reason I just didn't want to go there straight away. I also didn't understand some of the thoughts I was having, but I knew they were there and I knew I would most likely explore them but when I felt ready.

I am a strong believer in women embracing and celebrating their inner and outer masculinity. I also believe to be female it doesn't mean you have to be feminine either. The one description of being female I have struggled to call myself for years now is that of woman. Woman symbolises a lot more to me than being more clinical with the term 'female'. I am female matter how much I try and hide it yet I never have felt I am a woman nor want to be a woman.

No comments:

Post a Comment