Tonight is my end of year show at Uni. I feel a myriad of things surrounding it. I feel mostly nervous about it for some weird reason and another part of me wants to get it over and done with. Part of me does feel like a fraud, as I will be using my legal name and that is who I feel I shall be impersonating rather than being.
I don't feel Cleo is me anymore other than for legal administration reasons.
For some unfathomable reason the thought of being Cleo makes me feel unhappy. It signifies too much of my past life and also how my life used to be. It's weird but I have a strange heaviness inside and then there is another part of me telling me that it's just a name and why is it bothering me so much?
But it is bothering me and that is what I am trying to work out. I feel a little like tonight I will be lying about who I am and also the confusion of how do I introduce myself to industry people as what my name is now when my legal name suggests otherwise? Would they understand? Can I really be bothered to go into the whole my-gender-is-changing and my name on my project isn't my real name anymore? I feel backed into a corner a little and I do feel a little apprehensive about speaking with strangers. Still on a positive note I have a lot of people that I know coming and people that know me as Leng so that is something of comfort and will be really nice to see people that know me for who I really am.
It is a shame my parents aren't here tonight as its the first time I have been in an exhibition and its something more solid. Graduation is of course important but they aren't going to see what I have done, up on a wall or my book being displayed. Still, such is life.
I see this as my final thing with Uni, which shall be good as I am tired of the place. As of next week I have set some new targets which shall be nice to go and take part in. First of which I plan to have more articles for my company completed and I might start a photo project. As long as I do something photographic or photjournalism related everyday that will be good in terms of staying productive. I really want to work hard not just for stuff in the company I am part of but also for my own creative ventures.
Now is the time to really do it, otherwise I will end up having many pipe dreams to which I don't want to have. I hate it when things don't materialise or I see creative types that like to talk but not do anything with their ideas and more importantly their talent. Well maybe not out of choice but more situation to be fair. But at the same time if you do have the opportunity then I feel that has to be used productively, as how I see it, you only get one life and I feel it should be spent enjoyed and should be as fulfilling as possible.
I would hate to get to 30 and feel that I had nothing to show for myself, or feel that I had wasted many years away just not doing anything.
Given what a fidget I am though I can't see that happening in a hurry. I go through phases where I set myself many goals as I like to know that I am working towards something or feel that I will be working towards achieving something.
Hopefully by this time next year my book will be well and truly into phase two, a documentary idea I have shall hopefully be in production too. Still those are two things. I still have a load of other things to do too - but I much rather have it that way around rather than feeling blank or not knowing what I want or need to do.