I feel like I am standing at the end of a diving board, waiting to jump. I want to but I keep feeling doubts holding me back and making my knees almost buckle.
Next week will mark another set of changes. We are almost ready to show our site to testers that we have been working on, I am nervous and excited about this as it seems closer to the moment that it's here. There is a lot riding on this and I hope that what we are aiming to put out will be well received by those who will be looking at our site.
I have also booked my second appointment with Dr Curtis. Again I feel really nervous about seeing him, I don't know why but I just get really anxious before I have an appointment with him. I think I have worked out the reason why though and that is because seeing him (just as seeing people at Charing Cross) will make everything real.
There is no more talk to be had about the situation - it is all about making actions.
As long as I know I have an exit or a 'Plan B' then I feel safe. I say this because I hate feeling that I am in situations whereby I don't have a choice or that I have done something which means I will be trapped.
The hormones debate is starting to bubble and rage in my head and heart which is why I want to take things slowly. If on a small dose I don't like it or feel it creates changes which aren't good for my well being then I will definitely come off it. So far I have been doing well in my transition without hormones.
I am not against them but I have been trying to transition as organically as possible. I also haven't felt mentally prepared to do so. Now I feel I am in a position whereby I feel comfortable with trying it. It might help me pass better, I might feel more of a masculinity embracing my innards...I don't know until I have tried some.
I do have some concerns. This might affect my relationships with other people and I have had concerns as to whether or not this will affect the relationship I have with E.
On an intimate level things do change in relationships a lot. I was thinking about that last night when I was having dinner with E. At being together just under 18 months, I didn't think we would come this far. Not for being negative but when we first met we were a bit different in some respects and also I think when we met we weren't looking for a big love thing to happen.
It well and truly happened. There have been some testing moments but in many ways I am glad that we have experienced them together and each thing has brought us closer together and our love for each other has grown.
The love we have is an honest love. So far my gender hasn't created too many complications because we met whilst I have been Leng. She also recognises me as male. It's the first relationship I have had whereby I have been someone's boyfriend. It's quite sweet in some respects as it is always nice in whatever relationship we have in life to have something that is special to that person.
For some it might be a particular orgasm or sexual awakening that might have taken place, or in others it can be a moment whereby they felt that the relationship had other firsts for both sides or certain shared experiences that make a relationship really special.
Each connection in life will always be memorable for a variety of reasons.
Maintaining a relationship is hard work, especially when fluctuating gender comes into play. I have read some really heartbreaking accounts of people thinking that they will never meet someone who understands them because they are trans. Or couples splitting up because one of the couple couldn't love or accept their partner in their preferred gender.
There can be so many associated issues with having a partner who has no fixed gender or is in process of changing gender. The questions that can sometimes come up can be a bit confusing, but all relevant in certain respects.
I think it's normal to sometimes have fears that I hope I don't end up joining others who have experienced that yet at the same time it does make me cherish what is good about my own relationship. Like all things it needs attention and nurturing in order to survive. In many ways I see relationships as delicate organisms and not just a source of multiple orgasms.
I am excited about some aspects of commencing Phase 2 of my transition, but I do feel a little bit apprehensive - but only because I am stepping into new and unwarranted territory. Perhaps I sound a bit naive or stupid but I didn't think I would come this far.
3 years ago I never thought I would be binding every day or have a new name. I had wished that I wasn't the person I was. I never wanted the female shell that I inhabited. I hated my face, how I looked and never felt that I was me. Then 2009 happened and suddenly I realised where all the out of place feelings and gaps between life and my body had emerged.
I didn't think I would take Testosterone nor thought it would be an option for me.
This is something which is a joy to be had within transitioning and that is being able to live a life that feels true and is your own. It's almost like a second lease of life in some respects.
It can be scary but at the same time it feels right and I can't ignore that. Nor will I spend the rest of my life in isolation or in too much fear that I won't have relationships that will last because of who I am or that I won't be able to sustain love because I might become a hormonal handful.
These aren't nice thoughts to have, yet at the same time I know where they come from and I try to manage it as best I can. There are certain feelings that are becoming more important to me I just hope that I will experience them.
Certain things I don't want to be formed as a fantasy but that is something for another day.
Thursday, 7 July 2011
Monday, 4 July 2011
T-Man
I've caved. I have decided to try Testosterone.
Although there are some things about it which I am not overly enthused about I would like to see if taking a really small dose will make much of a difference to me. I have also had a growing curiosity as to how much having male hormone will make me feel.
At present I feel my body is missing something, a similar missing something feeling I had before I started binding. There have been moments over the last 4 months whereby I feel that there are parts of me that are 'too female' is such a thing can exist.
The oestrogen black hole I find myself in once a month is becoming more and more difficult to cope with. If there is a way the male side of myself can be stimulated rather than suffocated I would happily try something along those lines.
I am happy to accept that there is a mass change happening in me already and this is why parts of me can't rest. I am not yet satisfied with how a few things are and because of this I am working hard to start putting in some changes. It has to be done or otherwise I will be sat on the fence with regard to a few things. I also hate feeling that I am restless when it comes to getting something sorted out.
Once things are in place I feel a lot calmer in regard to knowing what I want to do next rather than feeling that I am in limbo. That is a place I struggle with and hate feeling that everything I do is under control of something else. I can't handle that type of situation.
I am a bit worried that I will change too much and that in some ways I am starting to kill of certain parts of myself. Yet at the same time I know that the person I was a couple of years ago isn't who I am now. Also we are always changing as people so I won't make myself ill over that.
I know more clearly what I want out of life and now my main energies are making sure that I achieve it.
I had blood tests done last week in preparation to go back to Dr Curtis and then I shall discuss further how much Testosterone I shall take as well as think about side effects. I have my next appointment with him booked for the 13th so after that I should have a script for my GP who has then agreed to give me an appointment with the nurse at the clinic so I can learn how to safely inject myself.Also the other things I need to know about as well.
I have read up about the side effects and have decided to try and take as low a dose as possible just to see how I find it. Before I take it I will also have to look into when I will and will be having a few conversations with a few people regarding implications and possible changes.
I am fully expecting some mood change to occur as well but how and what I don't know. What I have promised myself and others around me is if I don't react well to it or don't like it then I can always come off it.
I am not being bound by any law or any pressure to take it for the rest of my life. But this is something I feel I am ready to experience now.
I have spent a long time working on the social side of my transition and now I think the time is starting to come whereby it would be good to start working more on the physical side of things.
My body is also prepared for it. I haven't smoked now for 15 days so I am feeling pleased about that but at the same time I know that I need to up my fitness and monitor diet otherwise I will put on weight. Lots of people do when they quit smoking and I have found myself craving sweet things more than I did before. Still with the right balance, motivation and control I know I can do this.
My appointment with Charing Cross is also starting to get closer so am quite intrigued and excited as to how that is going to go as well. As well as nervous. When I start seeing them I want to discuss surgery options as well as how I go about sorting out my GRC (Gender Recognition Certificate) especially as I have a lot of things working in my favour.
But what is definitely needed now is to step up some of the physical side of things. My breasts have to go. There is no if, but or maybe about it. They don't belong on my body anymore. Hopefully by the time I am 29 I shall be breast free.
I will no longer feel trapped in the confines of a sweaty binder, hoping I have bound well so that I don;t ave too much of a protruding mono-boob on display under my t shirts.
I would love to walk around bear chested if the mood took me or an even nicer thing would be to be able to swim.
I need to continue working on my stomach though as luckily the binding gives me a relatively flat tummy but when it is free I have noticed I have a bit of a pot belly going on which I will rectify by the end of summer. I might not have a rippling 6 or 8 pack...yet but something a little flatter would be nice.
Like everything else this is all a work in progress. I have started doing some weight training and as soon as I start sorting out and finalising some of my surgery stuff I will be doing a big solid plan in terms of training to get my body well and truly prepared for the changes that are going to happen.
Although there are some things about it which I am not overly enthused about I would like to see if taking a really small dose will make much of a difference to me. I have also had a growing curiosity as to how much having male hormone will make me feel.
At present I feel my body is missing something, a similar missing something feeling I had before I started binding. There have been moments over the last 4 months whereby I feel that there are parts of me that are 'too female' is such a thing can exist.
The oestrogen black hole I find myself in once a month is becoming more and more difficult to cope with. If there is a way the male side of myself can be stimulated rather than suffocated I would happily try something along those lines.
I am happy to accept that there is a mass change happening in me already and this is why parts of me can't rest. I am not yet satisfied with how a few things are and because of this I am working hard to start putting in some changes. It has to be done or otherwise I will be sat on the fence with regard to a few things. I also hate feeling that I am restless when it comes to getting something sorted out.
Once things are in place I feel a lot calmer in regard to knowing what I want to do next rather than feeling that I am in limbo. That is a place I struggle with and hate feeling that everything I do is under control of something else. I can't handle that type of situation.
I am a bit worried that I will change too much and that in some ways I am starting to kill of certain parts of myself. Yet at the same time I know that the person I was a couple of years ago isn't who I am now. Also we are always changing as people so I won't make myself ill over that.
I know more clearly what I want out of life and now my main energies are making sure that I achieve it.
I had blood tests done last week in preparation to go back to Dr Curtis and then I shall discuss further how much Testosterone I shall take as well as think about side effects. I have my next appointment with him booked for the 13th so after that I should have a script for my GP who has then agreed to give me an appointment with the nurse at the clinic so I can learn how to safely inject myself.Also the other things I need to know about as well.
I have read up about the side effects and have decided to try and take as low a dose as possible just to see how I find it. Before I take it I will also have to look into when I will and will be having a few conversations with a few people regarding implications and possible changes.
I am fully expecting some mood change to occur as well but how and what I don't know. What I have promised myself and others around me is if I don't react well to it or don't like it then I can always come off it.
I am not being bound by any law or any pressure to take it for the rest of my life. But this is something I feel I am ready to experience now.
I have spent a long time working on the social side of my transition and now I think the time is starting to come whereby it would be good to start working more on the physical side of things.
My body is also prepared for it. I haven't smoked now for 15 days so I am feeling pleased about that but at the same time I know that I need to up my fitness and monitor diet otherwise I will put on weight. Lots of people do when they quit smoking and I have found myself craving sweet things more than I did before. Still with the right balance, motivation and control I know I can do this.
My appointment with Charing Cross is also starting to get closer so am quite intrigued and excited as to how that is going to go as well. As well as nervous. When I start seeing them I want to discuss surgery options as well as how I go about sorting out my GRC (Gender Recognition Certificate) especially as I have a lot of things working in my favour.
But what is definitely needed now is to step up some of the physical side of things. My breasts have to go. There is no if, but or maybe about it. They don't belong on my body anymore. Hopefully by the time I am 29 I shall be breast free.
I will no longer feel trapped in the confines of a sweaty binder, hoping I have bound well so that I don;t ave too much of a protruding mono-boob on display under my t shirts.
I would love to walk around bear chested if the mood took me or an even nicer thing would be to be able to swim.
I need to continue working on my stomach though as luckily the binding gives me a relatively flat tummy but when it is free I have noticed I have a bit of a pot belly going on which I will rectify by the end of summer. I might not have a rippling 6 or 8 pack...yet but something a little flatter would be nice.
Like everything else this is all a work in progress. I have started doing some weight training and as soon as I start sorting out and finalising some of my surgery stuff I will be doing a big solid plan in terms of training to get my body well and truly prepared for the changes that are going to happen.
Friday, 24 June 2011
Mr Montgomery is in da house...
Following my meeting with Dr Curtis I was given a letter in which would enable me to apply for a new passport in new name and gender. I was elated to have that piece of paper and couldn't wait to fill out my application.
I got some mugshots taken and took my application to the very talented literary figure known to us as Lady V. I knew she would be kosher and was also glad to have someone that has been very supportive to me sign my passport. Since day one she has been nothing but supportive and lovely about me transitioning and she has also been a very lovely person to talk to when things have been difficult.
I did appreciate that she was halfway through resting that afternoon as well. Still she signed it, I sent it off and a week and a half later via the post office check and send service I now am Mr Montgomery officially.
OK, I know I have name change documents and bank cards and credit cards in my new name but so far I had nothing photo ID wise and now I do. I can't believe how happy and complete I feel inside, having this in place.
I also made it one of my goals for 2011 and am pleased that 6 months in I have accomplished one of them.
As long as things move to where we want them to be then things seem to be making progress. I am starting to feel happier, as I am feeling clearer as to what it is I want and where I want to be. Knowing what my objectives are is a big help.
Life does have unexpected surprises that like to crop up from time to time. Also I have learned never to become complacent with whatever situation I am in as unfortunately things can change when you least expect it. Relationships are something which need constant attention and to be nurtured otherwise they will suffer and in some cases they might drift apart.
Same applies with friendships. It should never be taken for granted and like relationships they sometimes morph or change into different things, or just quieten down slightly. I have been looking at a few changes to some friendships of late. Especially when I look at photos taken last Summer and the Summer before. But that was that moment in time. Things change.
The people I have been in close contact with lately are really special to me and it has been lovely to spend time with them. At the same time people I previously saw more of - there has been a little sorrow where that is concerned but at the same time life changes. I do remember the nice times had and I am sure there will be plenty to come but sometimes it boils down to proximity.
If it's not there it shouldn't be forced or pushed.
Aside this I also have some other goals in place. Next Tuesday I am having some blood tests done so I can have a second appointment with Dr Curtis in order to start testosterone. I have said for a long long time that I don't want to take hormones, but I would like to try some.
I would be opting for a small dose just to see how it goes and am genuinely curious to see what effects it would have on me. Also I feel I am missing something and perhaps a small dose of hormone is that? Because I don't know I want to take as small a dose as possible as I have researched and looked into what the side effects are.
Gel was tempting but I wouldn't want any risk of it rubbing off on the wrong people so I think I will opt to try some shots just so I know there is no risk of anything untoward happening with it. I am not too worried about the thought of doing an injection but also know that there are a few people who have already offered to do my injection for me.
I also need to work on my voice and start finding ways to modulate that as my voice is a dead giveaway it seems. If I call somewhere they straight away pronoun me to being female which is a problem sometimes so will find ways to make my voice sound deeper or more distinguishable as male.
It's nice to start thinking more about the physical sides of transition. Within this I need to continue exercising like a demon as I don't like my tummy very much when it's out of a binder so amongst the squash playing I think I shall also make sure I start doing some serious training to build up my muscles and get my stomach a bit leaner and more toned.
Again these are accomplishable goals if I work hard at them. Same applies to not smoking. I haven't had a cigarette since last Saturday night and am trying to keep it that way. It isn't always easy and have had cravings but am finding other things to do other than try and smoke.
Short term it has been thinking about food but I need to make sure I don't let that get the better of me either. I think I will try and channel it into as much physical exercise as possible or things that tone the body as that can be done anywhere and won't make me overweight.
I want some muscles and to be a ripped, lean flouncing machine!
I am sticking to my guns of taking things one step at a time as this so far is what is working for me.
I got some mugshots taken and took my application to the very talented literary figure known to us as Lady V. I knew she would be kosher and was also glad to have someone that has been very supportive to me sign my passport. Since day one she has been nothing but supportive and lovely about me transitioning and she has also been a very lovely person to talk to when things have been difficult.
I did appreciate that she was halfway through resting that afternoon as well. Still she signed it, I sent it off and a week and a half later via the post office check and send service I now am Mr Montgomery officially.
OK, I know I have name change documents and bank cards and credit cards in my new name but so far I had nothing photo ID wise and now I do. I can't believe how happy and complete I feel inside, having this in place.
I also made it one of my goals for 2011 and am pleased that 6 months in I have accomplished one of them.
As long as things move to where we want them to be then things seem to be making progress. I am starting to feel happier, as I am feeling clearer as to what it is I want and where I want to be. Knowing what my objectives are is a big help.
Life does have unexpected surprises that like to crop up from time to time. Also I have learned never to become complacent with whatever situation I am in as unfortunately things can change when you least expect it. Relationships are something which need constant attention and to be nurtured otherwise they will suffer and in some cases they might drift apart.
Same applies with friendships. It should never be taken for granted and like relationships they sometimes morph or change into different things, or just quieten down slightly. I have been looking at a few changes to some friendships of late. Especially when I look at photos taken last Summer and the Summer before. But that was that moment in time. Things change.
The people I have been in close contact with lately are really special to me and it has been lovely to spend time with them. At the same time people I previously saw more of - there has been a little sorrow where that is concerned but at the same time life changes. I do remember the nice times had and I am sure there will be plenty to come but sometimes it boils down to proximity.
If it's not there it shouldn't be forced or pushed.
Aside this I also have some other goals in place. Next Tuesday I am having some blood tests done so I can have a second appointment with Dr Curtis in order to start testosterone. I have said for a long long time that I don't want to take hormones, but I would like to try some.
I would be opting for a small dose just to see how it goes and am genuinely curious to see what effects it would have on me. Also I feel I am missing something and perhaps a small dose of hormone is that? Because I don't know I want to take as small a dose as possible as I have researched and looked into what the side effects are.
Gel was tempting but I wouldn't want any risk of it rubbing off on the wrong people so I think I will opt to try some shots just so I know there is no risk of anything untoward happening with it. I am not too worried about the thought of doing an injection but also know that there are a few people who have already offered to do my injection for me.
I also need to work on my voice and start finding ways to modulate that as my voice is a dead giveaway it seems. If I call somewhere they straight away pronoun me to being female which is a problem sometimes so will find ways to make my voice sound deeper or more distinguishable as male.
It's nice to start thinking more about the physical sides of transition. Within this I need to continue exercising like a demon as I don't like my tummy very much when it's out of a binder so amongst the squash playing I think I shall also make sure I start doing some serious training to build up my muscles and get my stomach a bit leaner and more toned.
Again these are accomplishable goals if I work hard at them. Same applies to not smoking. I haven't had a cigarette since last Saturday night and am trying to keep it that way. It isn't always easy and have had cravings but am finding other things to do other than try and smoke.
Short term it has been thinking about food but I need to make sure I don't let that get the better of me either. I think I will try and channel it into as much physical exercise as possible or things that tone the body as that can be done anywhere and won't make me overweight.
I want some muscles and to be a ripped, lean flouncing machine!
I am sticking to my guns of taking things one step at a time as this so far is what is working for me.
Tuesday, 14 June 2011
Oxygen
It's been an eventful week for me. Last week I was still in pain from teeth and really nervous about having my appointment with Dr Curtis.
I have never felt so nervous in such a long time. I cried for most of the day before I went to see him. I felt so scared that I would be seen to be 'fake' in some way or that I didn't fit any criteria.
With hindsight I also realise that I was very pre-menstrual and getting whacked by the oestrogen cloud can sometimes send me into what feels like a black hole. I felt so weak and small. It was awful. The night before I had a brilliant night with a friend of mine. We had steak, we talked, she made me laugh - I returned to my house where there were friendly and warm people inside of it and the loving arms of E. Yet there was something inside of me that felt awful.
Then in turn I felt guilty for feeling out of place. I was also still in pain.
I also managed to have a misunderstanding with someone last Friday as well. But I apologised and I did calm down too. I also realise that some of my grouchy side has also been visited upon my partner too but I have noticed it and have apologised for that too.
I hate feeling grumpy but especially with people that are close to me. In some cases I would much rather hide under a rock or sedate myself if I feel like that, as there is nothing worse than feeling guilty and grumpy simultaneously.
Still things are turning a corner slightly.
I went to the appointment on Friday afternoon after getting drenched in the rain, and I semi stripped when I sat in his office with soggy hair.
The consultation seemed relatively straightforward. He asked about my childhood, how long I had been transitioning for and why I had come to see him.
I went a bit home office on him and said that I wanted a new passport and showed him evidence of my name change, wage slip and bank changes and also pointed out that I was 'out' to all family and friends. I am out and given that if my name is googled at any point it will come back to this blog so there will be no avoiding it.
I also don't mind if people know. But this is my choice.
He gave me a letter that I have placed into a passport application which I am submitting today. It states that I am living full time as a man, and that I intend to continue doing so permanently. I am very happy to have this letter as I know that this will help my application massively, also is something that is compulsory regarding changing gender on a passport.
Being called 'Miss' really disturbs me. I also hate feeling that I am living as a fraud. I am not a biological man, nor ever will be but I am male. This is something that I know I am. I am not a woman. I never was.
Putting on a shirt this morning (without too much sadness I must add) I couldn't help but think how strange and alien I look with breasts. They really don't belong on my body. Just as they didn't on people like Buck Angel and many of millions of trans men.
There aren't so many men out there that are proud to say that they are a man with a vagina. In fact the only person I have ever heard of that talks very happily and comfortably about this is Buck but I too share a similar sentiment.
Don't get me wrong I feel very attached to having a cock as well but its a different feeling.
In a near tantric sense what I was born with is definitely my root and everything else has developed and evolved from it. In some ways I feel I have two hearts. One in my chest and one between my legs.
Funnily enough I have had stages in life where I think I have been connected more to one rather than the other. They both operate in different ways yet at the same time I would be lost without the other at the same time.
Today has been a day that fr the first time in ages I have started feeling happier on the inside and more settled with what else has been happening around me. I want to make some changes to my life and I want to also progress with goals I have set myself.
The passport change as high on my list as having photographic and official ID in a new name is very important to me. Especially whenever I book tickets to travel I won't have to revert back to being a 'Miss' ever again. As I said before it does disturb me.
I also know that on another level the more things I have legally that confirm I am male has started helping me become less bothered if people call me by a female pronoun. As I feel it is their mistake.
It is interesting that around the time of my period men seem to be able to suss me out as being female much faster and again I am convinced it is down to being able to smell oestrogen on me or if my hair isn't short enough.
Some of this reason and also having the ostrogen black hole every month has now led me to another decision: Hormones.
I want to try testosterone on a low dose for a short period of time such as 3 months. I want to see if the changes are something that I will like, welcome or be ok with.
There is something that is missing inside of me right now and I feel that this might be it, just as I used to feel a similar emptiness before I started binding. I don't feel I want a massive amount of hormone in my system but I think maybe a small amount might 'top up' and help give me a few subtle changes that I would like.
Still for that a blood test needs to be done and then another appointment so again, I am in no massive rush. The passport was my priority. As I seem to be working on the social side of my transition primarily and then the physical.
I do need to get a bit more buff soon, but am going to go to the leisure centre today so that will be a good step forward, especially if it means I start putting myself back on the wagon as I am now ok to exercise again and where I hurt a rib a few weeks ago that now feels better so now is the time to moving once again.
I have never felt so nervous in such a long time. I cried for most of the day before I went to see him. I felt so scared that I would be seen to be 'fake' in some way or that I didn't fit any criteria.
With hindsight I also realise that I was very pre-menstrual and getting whacked by the oestrogen cloud can sometimes send me into what feels like a black hole. I felt so weak and small. It was awful. The night before I had a brilliant night with a friend of mine. We had steak, we talked, she made me laugh - I returned to my house where there were friendly and warm people inside of it and the loving arms of E. Yet there was something inside of me that felt awful.
Then in turn I felt guilty for feeling out of place. I was also still in pain.
I also managed to have a misunderstanding with someone last Friday as well. But I apologised and I did calm down too. I also realise that some of my grouchy side has also been visited upon my partner too but I have noticed it and have apologised for that too.
I hate feeling grumpy but especially with people that are close to me. In some cases I would much rather hide under a rock or sedate myself if I feel like that, as there is nothing worse than feeling guilty and grumpy simultaneously.
Still things are turning a corner slightly.
I went to the appointment on Friday afternoon after getting drenched in the rain, and I semi stripped when I sat in his office with soggy hair.
The consultation seemed relatively straightforward. He asked about my childhood, how long I had been transitioning for and why I had come to see him.
I went a bit home office on him and said that I wanted a new passport and showed him evidence of my name change, wage slip and bank changes and also pointed out that I was 'out' to all family and friends. I am out and given that if my name is googled at any point it will come back to this blog so there will be no avoiding it.
I also don't mind if people know. But this is my choice.
He gave me a letter that I have placed into a passport application which I am submitting today. It states that I am living full time as a man, and that I intend to continue doing so permanently. I am very happy to have this letter as I know that this will help my application massively, also is something that is compulsory regarding changing gender on a passport.
Being called 'Miss' really disturbs me. I also hate feeling that I am living as a fraud. I am not a biological man, nor ever will be but I am male. This is something that I know I am. I am not a woman. I never was.
Putting on a shirt this morning (without too much sadness I must add) I couldn't help but think how strange and alien I look with breasts. They really don't belong on my body. Just as they didn't on people like Buck Angel and many of millions of trans men.
There aren't so many men out there that are proud to say that they are a man with a vagina. In fact the only person I have ever heard of that talks very happily and comfortably about this is Buck but I too share a similar sentiment.
Don't get me wrong I feel very attached to having a cock as well but its a different feeling.
In a near tantric sense what I was born with is definitely my root and everything else has developed and evolved from it. In some ways I feel I have two hearts. One in my chest and one between my legs.
Funnily enough I have had stages in life where I think I have been connected more to one rather than the other. They both operate in different ways yet at the same time I would be lost without the other at the same time.
Today has been a day that fr the first time in ages I have started feeling happier on the inside and more settled with what else has been happening around me. I want to make some changes to my life and I want to also progress with goals I have set myself.
The passport change as high on my list as having photographic and official ID in a new name is very important to me. Especially whenever I book tickets to travel I won't have to revert back to being a 'Miss' ever again. As I said before it does disturb me.
I also know that on another level the more things I have legally that confirm I am male has started helping me become less bothered if people call me by a female pronoun. As I feel it is their mistake.
It is interesting that around the time of my period men seem to be able to suss me out as being female much faster and again I am convinced it is down to being able to smell oestrogen on me or if my hair isn't short enough.
Some of this reason and also having the ostrogen black hole every month has now led me to another decision: Hormones.
I want to try testosterone on a low dose for a short period of time such as 3 months. I want to see if the changes are something that I will like, welcome or be ok with.
There is something that is missing inside of me right now and I feel that this might be it, just as I used to feel a similar emptiness before I started binding. I don't feel I want a massive amount of hormone in my system but I think maybe a small amount might 'top up' and help give me a few subtle changes that I would like.
Still for that a blood test needs to be done and then another appointment so again, I am in no massive rush. The passport was my priority. As I seem to be working on the social side of my transition primarily and then the physical.
I do need to get a bit more buff soon, but am going to go to the leisure centre today so that will be a good step forward, especially if it means I start putting myself back on the wagon as I am now ok to exercise again and where I hurt a rib a few weeks ago that now feels better so now is the time to moving once again.
Monday, 6 June 2011
About A Boy
There have been many changes happening over the last few months and all in all my feelings of 2011 are pretty mixed. Particularly as for vast chunks of it I feel that I have been spent grieving. Certain relationships with family and friends have changed and I need to get used to that.
At the same time relationships change all the time. Who we were great friends with a year ago might be more distant to us now. Especially if our paths are set not to cross or our spheres aren't at one. I have learned a few things though and that is not to then try and meddle with other relationships had in life.
It is very easy once some negativity sets in to then think everything else is going to fail and in some ways putting more negativity into the internal sphere. It isn't overly logical is it? Yet at the same time without acknowledging or seeing this then the pattern of destruction is bound to continue.
In the last 2 weeks I have moved house (finally) and had 4 wisdom teeth removed and on Friday I am seeing Dr Curtis. This is a momentous week it seems. Also saw a very lovely Lady of Islington and her delightful baby.
I don't know if he possesses magical powers but suddenly life and the world doesn't seem so rubbish when you look at him or hold him. I am convinced he is a magic baby and what is beautiful about his presence is that he is full of love and the people who made him are full of love for him.
I think this is what is so good about planned children in certain respects. They are wanted and desired from day one and in effect people were prepared and ready to receive them.
I suppose being queer means that any baby we have will be planned as by and large there is pyrex involved. I am generalising slightly but I would assume that a high percentage of queer families that plan carefully when and how they can reproduce.
I am still a little bit unsure if I want any children of my own. I do get broody urges but at the same time I want to feel that I am ready. Right now I have a lot happening in my head and life to even entertain such thoughts.
I want to feel happy within myself and satisfied that I am accomplishing all that I want. I also don't want to subject my child to what I am feeling right now. I am not satisfied with myself or with some other aspects of life right now and I would never want to visit that onto them.
It's bad enough doing that to another person, let alone a child.
I also want to become comfortable with myself before I think about children too as I know that in some ways it won't be as simple or straightforward. I am not sure if I want to be a 'Dad' but then something I read once (and make of this what you will) really made sense to me : "It is easy to become a father but it takes someone special to be Daddy"
I am sure my kinkier friends reading this might be stroking their knees a little bit enthusiastically at that one but on a non pervy note this statement makes sense on some levels.
But my short term things to change and get back in order are taking priority. I need to register at a new Doctors surgery and in some ways I am sad not to have my old GP. If anyone is living around Bethnal Green I will happily recommend my old GP he is very helpful and forward thinking. He also was happy to be pushy on my behalf and would do so for any patient he has.
Hopefully the new one will be helpful too.
The main thing I am looking forward to is for things in my life to calm down a little especially as I have a lot of things I want to do. This is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be to begin with and I feel as if I am drowning slightly.
Feeling lonely, ugly and confused is possibly not the best place to be in. I don't need people to tell me that I am the opposite of these feelings but I just wish I could sometimes feel that lovely happy and content feeling that I see other people having.
The last 4 months have been one sudden change to another and I am pleased that a sense of grounding is happening as quite honestly I am feeling exhausted. I also feel that I am failing on certain levels. A lot of this is down to changing and not really knowing who it is I am any longer and feeling disconnected from within.
It also doesn't help when you realise that you have failed to see what is good about life and people as well and feel that you are a little black cloud to everyone else's sunshine. Yet this is what depression and depression type feelings like to do. It shall make you feel more vulnerable, isolated and lonely.
Before you can blink it can have you by the throat, if you let it. Just as the title of a song by Garbage suggests "The Trick Is To Keep Breathing" and even a song by Radiohead "Exit Music For A Film" it also speaks about breathing. I try to remember that song rather than listen to it as it is a bit of a suicidal soundtrack otherwise.
I do see a difference in feeling like a miserable git and actually wallowing in being a miserable git.
This is the thing. I know I am depressed on some levels. Having had clinical depression for a number of years I do know the difference between feeling a bit down and feeling the chemical effects of the depression.
Managing it and being honest about it I find works for me. It also gives me something to fight back against. A lot of my time I manage it fairly well. But right now I am taking a few lumps and there is a part of me that thinks this isn't fair.
I have started an internal protest but I need to put down whatever is barricaded inside of me as this is isolating me further. I don't want to be shut off to the point that I stop giving love or feeling love at the same time either.
This is difficult to deal with as there is a guilt to be felt within this. Especially when there are some people in my life that are really lovely and loving towards me. I feel that I am failing them when these feelings occur.
Yet I know that with a bit f time the feelings will quieten down.
Now I have moved I am settling into a lovely house, with cool people in it and initially I was freaking out slightly about living with 5 people I am enjoying it. So far living with E hasn't presented any problems and I am feeling more and more that living communally is the way forward. I like that there is more of a sharing mentality to be had in a house like this and it's lovely to be able to share food with each other too. I like that we can all cook together too if we feel like it and also if we want to have time to chill on our own there isn't a forced feeling of compulsory interaction. Although given how much everyone seems to like baking in this house I need to sort out my gym membership pronto!
The more time that passes in here the more I feel that I am a part of the house and I feel less of it being E's house. Having separate rooms definitely helps this and I think in some ways it has been a nice next step to experience within our relationship as it's a next step but one that feels right and we both still retain our own independence to some degree. But at the same time it's nice to know that even if we don't see other all day or all night we have the option to wake up or fall asleep with the other if we want.
Just as if we wanted a night to sleep like starfish alone in bed we have that choice. Choice is something massively underrated but I think it is important to try and incorporate as much as possible. As that way it doesn't put too many pressures on the relationship. Because we spent s long practically living together I think its nice that we do but have a bit more independence in some respects as we aren't a 'guest' in each other's space and a strange feeling of having to host one another isn't there.
I don't plan on becoming lazy where dates are concerned though. As I don't want to fall into the trap of thinking "we live together so we don't need to go on dates" kind of attitude. But it does give scope for other things to happen in a slightly creative sense.
Sparkle keeps any relationship thriving as well as patience, understanding and positivity. As well as remembering to buy cereal.
At the same time relationships change all the time. Who we were great friends with a year ago might be more distant to us now. Especially if our paths are set not to cross or our spheres aren't at one. I have learned a few things though and that is not to then try and meddle with other relationships had in life.
It is very easy once some negativity sets in to then think everything else is going to fail and in some ways putting more negativity into the internal sphere. It isn't overly logical is it? Yet at the same time without acknowledging or seeing this then the pattern of destruction is bound to continue.
In the last 2 weeks I have moved house (finally) and had 4 wisdom teeth removed and on Friday I am seeing Dr Curtis. This is a momentous week it seems. Also saw a very lovely Lady of Islington and her delightful baby.
I don't know if he possesses magical powers but suddenly life and the world doesn't seem so rubbish when you look at him or hold him. I am convinced he is a magic baby and what is beautiful about his presence is that he is full of love and the people who made him are full of love for him.
I think this is what is so good about planned children in certain respects. They are wanted and desired from day one and in effect people were prepared and ready to receive them.
I suppose being queer means that any baby we have will be planned as by and large there is pyrex involved. I am generalising slightly but I would assume that a high percentage of queer families that plan carefully when and how they can reproduce.
I am still a little bit unsure if I want any children of my own. I do get broody urges but at the same time I want to feel that I am ready. Right now I have a lot happening in my head and life to even entertain such thoughts.
I want to feel happy within myself and satisfied that I am accomplishing all that I want. I also don't want to subject my child to what I am feeling right now. I am not satisfied with myself or with some other aspects of life right now and I would never want to visit that onto them.
It's bad enough doing that to another person, let alone a child.
I also want to become comfortable with myself before I think about children too as I know that in some ways it won't be as simple or straightforward. I am not sure if I want to be a 'Dad' but then something I read once (and make of this what you will) really made sense to me : "It is easy to become a father but it takes someone special to be Daddy"
I am sure my kinkier friends reading this might be stroking their knees a little bit enthusiastically at that one but on a non pervy note this statement makes sense on some levels.
But my short term things to change and get back in order are taking priority. I need to register at a new Doctors surgery and in some ways I am sad not to have my old GP. If anyone is living around Bethnal Green I will happily recommend my old GP he is very helpful and forward thinking. He also was happy to be pushy on my behalf and would do so for any patient he has.
Hopefully the new one will be helpful too.
The main thing I am looking forward to is for things in my life to calm down a little especially as I have a lot of things I want to do. This is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be to begin with and I feel as if I am drowning slightly.
Feeling lonely, ugly and confused is possibly not the best place to be in. I don't need people to tell me that I am the opposite of these feelings but I just wish I could sometimes feel that lovely happy and content feeling that I see other people having.
The last 4 months have been one sudden change to another and I am pleased that a sense of grounding is happening as quite honestly I am feeling exhausted. I also feel that I am failing on certain levels. A lot of this is down to changing and not really knowing who it is I am any longer and feeling disconnected from within.
It also doesn't help when you realise that you have failed to see what is good about life and people as well and feel that you are a little black cloud to everyone else's sunshine. Yet this is what depression and depression type feelings like to do. It shall make you feel more vulnerable, isolated and lonely.
Before you can blink it can have you by the throat, if you let it. Just as the title of a song by Garbage suggests "The Trick Is To Keep Breathing" and even a song by Radiohead "Exit Music For A Film" it also speaks about breathing. I try to remember that song rather than listen to it as it is a bit of a suicidal soundtrack otherwise.
I do see a difference in feeling like a miserable git and actually wallowing in being a miserable git.
This is the thing. I know I am depressed on some levels. Having had clinical depression for a number of years I do know the difference between feeling a bit down and feeling the chemical effects of the depression.
Managing it and being honest about it I find works for me. It also gives me something to fight back against. A lot of my time I manage it fairly well. But right now I am taking a few lumps and there is a part of me that thinks this isn't fair.
I have started an internal protest but I need to put down whatever is barricaded inside of me as this is isolating me further. I don't want to be shut off to the point that I stop giving love or feeling love at the same time either.
This is difficult to deal with as there is a guilt to be felt within this. Especially when there are some people in my life that are really lovely and loving towards me. I feel that I am failing them when these feelings occur.
Yet I know that with a bit f time the feelings will quieten down.
Now I have moved I am settling into a lovely house, with cool people in it and initially I was freaking out slightly about living with 5 people I am enjoying it. So far living with E hasn't presented any problems and I am feeling more and more that living communally is the way forward. I like that there is more of a sharing mentality to be had in a house like this and it's lovely to be able to share food with each other too. I like that we can all cook together too if we feel like it and also if we want to have time to chill on our own there isn't a forced feeling of compulsory interaction. Although given how much everyone seems to like baking in this house I need to sort out my gym membership pronto!
The more time that passes in here the more I feel that I am a part of the house and I feel less of it being E's house. Having separate rooms definitely helps this and I think in some ways it has been a nice next step to experience within our relationship as it's a next step but one that feels right and we both still retain our own independence to some degree. But at the same time it's nice to know that even if we don't see other all day or all night we have the option to wake up or fall asleep with the other if we want.
Just as if we wanted a night to sleep like starfish alone in bed we have that choice. Choice is something massively underrated but I think it is important to try and incorporate as much as possible. As that way it doesn't put too many pressures on the relationship. Because we spent s long practically living together I think its nice that we do but have a bit more independence in some respects as we aren't a 'guest' in each other's space and a strange feeling of having to host one another isn't there.
I don't plan on becoming lazy where dates are concerned though. As I don't want to fall into the trap of thinking "we live together so we don't need to go on dates" kind of attitude. But it does give scope for other things to happen in a slightly creative sense.
Sparkle keeps any relationship thriving as well as patience, understanding and positivity. As well as remembering to buy cereal.
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
Go Away May
This is the month that I can't wait to see the back of. As moaned about in previous blog entries, my life right now has some good points, but there is a frustration born with feeling stuck in the middle of almost everything right now.
It's coming into subject of waiting for this or waiting for that, or just as I feel I have found a way out of one stressful situation then there is another one waiting to commence. It's as if it is forming an orderly queue and one by one it's taking a turn.
There are a few things I am not putting in my blog as they concern other people but all I will say is that I am sad that certain things have ended up the way they are presently. I understand that things change but I do miss how certain things were when things were good.
I'm also gutted for my partner right now who has been screwed over by UK Immigration. Her passport went missing following us sending her documents to get British Citizenship. With the crazy systems that her country has for missing passports it's been stressful for her and it's been frustrating for me as there hasn't been much I have felt I could do. Other than try not to say things that state the obvious too much or that will inflame an already upsetting situation.
In short what has happened is unjust and unfair x 1000000000.
I'm moving house next week and I am finding it a lot more stressful than I originally thought but this is down to having stupid sentimental feelings that have just surfaced. I try and tell myself that people move all the time and this is no big deal but I will miss my flat. I have lived here for 4 years.
Luckily the house I am moving into has lovely people and I have been visiting for the last 15 months so it's nothing that is too unfamiliar. It will be a bit strange living somewhere with people versus living alone. But then with living alone it sometimes gets lonely. So really I just have to do it and adjust and this inbetweeny feeling will shift.
Right now I don't feel that I live anywhere because I am waiting to leave my place in 9 days and I am not quite living there yet either so all in all its just slightly a case of flux. It will change but in the meanwhile there is still flux.
My next wait is for the 2nd of June. I have a dental appointment whereby I will have all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed and three teeth will be refilled and slightly rebuilt. I am feeling quite nervous about this, especially given that I haven't had a tooth removed before but there is a silver lining in that I will be knocked out. I have also kept away from reading anything about toothache, dental pain or wisdom teeth stories as I don't think that is wise nor helpful.
I also have an appointment at some distant point with Charing Cross but to be fair I have blocked that one out. August is a little bit of time away and I think once I have some other funds I will be seeing Dr Curtis privately. I feel like its a slight cop out but at the same time I am reaching the stage where I am feeling confused and in some ways I am becoming slightly desperate. I need to speak with someone specifically about a few things as well as find out what my options are regarding getting authorisation for getting a new passport, surgery and all that stuff, especially as I don't want to take hormones. It would also be good to have some sort of discussion about hormones too so that I have more info about it.
I'm feeling ready to take this next step as right now I am hanging. My wallet still has two different identities in it and my relationship to both the male and female parts of me is hurting my head and my heart.
I feel disconnected from everything inside of me and it's hard to put it into words but the only thing I can say right now is that I am hurting. I am also aware that I did this to myself. I don't regret deciding to change my gender but I am struggling with how lonely it feels and what it is like to live in what feels like a permanent headfuck situation.
I feel lonely as I don't know what I am or who I am a lot of the time. I have done a lot of reading around ways in which people have made better relationships and connections within themselves and also read a few horror stories too.
There have been many accounts surrounding suicide attempts. Although I must make clear that I am not in any danger to myself or want to actively harm myself in any way, there is a part of me that can see why people have made attempts on their lives.
Feeling cut off, and disconnected from the self and everything else is a scary place to be. Sometimes when in groups of people I find myself thinking that I am just there watching and observing people living. There is a part of me that is feeling somewhat dead inside.
I hate it. It's a silent torture. There is also protocol to observe too. You can't exactly (when perhaps feeling overwhelmed by a social situation) to turn to people and say that you wish they knew the person that is trying to emerge rather than the awkward person stood in front of them.
People hug me, show me they care or tell me they love me and I feel guilty that I struggle to sometimes feel and accept that love and warmth. I then start blaming myself and before I know it my face is streaked with tears and I can't stop thinking that I did this all to myself and that I just have to suck it up.
My partner is very affectionate and lovely and sometimes I feel like a failure that I can't give her what I feel I should. I sometimes wish I could have just been a lesbian drag king then we wouldn't have to deal with these other gender things. Yet I know she does love me and care for me being the person I am as when she met me I was already male identified.
This is definitely my hang up. But sometimes it isn't easy knowing that the dual gender thing can impact on someone else and can bring a load of shit their way too.
I hate feeling that I am weird and that my life will never be as simple as I would like it to be. Yet at the same time I can't live identifying as female when that isn't who I am nor who I ever was. It's also a shame that in society we are categorised by having to be either male or female. Why can't a man have a vagina and a woman have a cock? Why is it deemed so strange?
I say this as I think I know plenty of female bodied people that are probably more blokey than bio men that I have met. This is the thing about gender, it is a fluid thing in some cases. The debates and classifications regarding sex and gender have been in place for centuries. As people we can't always be defined as being 'one or the other'. Being in the middle is another story altogether.
I do find it difficult to sometimes get my head around the fact that I am now comfortable having a vagina now I identify as a man. Questions have come up such as "Is it because I am now slimmer?" "Is it because I am more comfortable with myself?" But the actual truth of the matter is I don't know. All I know is that I am not female. By not being female it means I feel less trapped inside of my body. Yet I do feel that having breasts or still having a female identity where my passport is concerned unnerves me as that isn't who I am.
Yet I know I am not a biological male or feel that I am 100% in that camp either.
Ever since I was little I never felt I was 'one of the girls' more a case of being a boy amongst a group of girls. Now I am trying to live as honest a life as I can that is true to myself. Yet I still feel set apart from a lot of things.
I don't need to feel that I fit in but I do feel lonely feeling that I stand out or that I am not matching on the outside what I feel I am on the inside.
I wish I didn't have to bind or forget to modulate my voice in certain circles. But I can't go back to living in a female role, wearing a bra and having to wear larger tops because of the size of my chest. It makes me feel sick.
I also can't handle the mental image that it conjures up inside me. That isn't who I am. Nor who I want to present to the world.
Just because I want to have relationships with women doesn't make me straight either, but I am not as gay as I used to be either. Again, I am in the middle where that is concerned as well. This can make me feel a bit confused as to where I want to hang out as I don't want to be seen as straight but sometimes feel that I am offending same sex couples in certain spaces.
The fighter in me reminds me that this is most likely something that others have felt, or are in the process of going through. Collective feelings and sentiment is always going to be around us even if the journey and path we take is different for each individual.
It's about patience.
I also remember how far I've come and the hard work I have put into making changes in my life. I'm 3 stone lighter, I eat better, I exercise I try and maintain a focus not just on myself but also with some of the work I have been doing too.
When I do a photo shoot I want someone to feel they are being represented in a way that is accurate and I love it when I create images with someone where they feel happy or recognise how beautiful they are or can feel empowered or sexy. I feel satisfied when I have made images like this.
I also love interacting with people whereby we reach a good level of communication and collaboration and am excited about a few things I currently have in the pipeline.
I do remind myself that there is a bigger picture, there is a life waiting for me to live, be happy and to feel warm.
I do remember to laugh and smile. I also know that this isn't an easy time but I won't be defeated either. One thing is for sure, if life is hurting or feeling difficult then it's time to put your boots on and wade through whatever you have to wade through in order for things to make sense again or to feel safe and happy once again.
It's coming into subject of waiting for this or waiting for that, or just as I feel I have found a way out of one stressful situation then there is another one waiting to commence. It's as if it is forming an orderly queue and one by one it's taking a turn.
There are a few things I am not putting in my blog as they concern other people but all I will say is that I am sad that certain things have ended up the way they are presently. I understand that things change but I do miss how certain things were when things were good.
I'm also gutted for my partner right now who has been screwed over by UK Immigration. Her passport went missing following us sending her documents to get British Citizenship. With the crazy systems that her country has for missing passports it's been stressful for her and it's been frustrating for me as there hasn't been much I have felt I could do. Other than try not to say things that state the obvious too much or that will inflame an already upsetting situation.
In short what has happened is unjust and unfair x 1000000000.
I'm moving house next week and I am finding it a lot more stressful than I originally thought but this is down to having stupid sentimental feelings that have just surfaced. I try and tell myself that people move all the time and this is no big deal but I will miss my flat. I have lived here for 4 years.
Luckily the house I am moving into has lovely people and I have been visiting for the last 15 months so it's nothing that is too unfamiliar. It will be a bit strange living somewhere with people versus living alone. But then with living alone it sometimes gets lonely. So really I just have to do it and adjust and this inbetweeny feeling will shift.
Right now I don't feel that I live anywhere because I am waiting to leave my place in 9 days and I am not quite living there yet either so all in all its just slightly a case of flux. It will change but in the meanwhile there is still flux.
My next wait is for the 2nd of June. I have a dental appointment whereby I will have all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed and three teeth will be refilled and slightly rebuilt. I am feeling quite nervous about this, especially given that I haven't had a tooth removed before but there is a silver lining in that I will be knocked out. I have also kept away from reading anything about toothache, dental pain or wisdom teeth stories as I don't think that is wise nor helpful.
I also have an appointment at some distant point with Charing Cross but to be fair I have blocked that one out. August is a little bit of time away and I think once I have some other funds I will be seeing Dr Curtis privately. I feel like its a slight cop out but at the same time I am reaching the stage where I am feeling confused and in some ways I am becoming slightly desperate. I need to speak with someone specifically about a few things as well as find out what my options are regarding getting authorisation for getting a new passport, surgery and all that stuff, especially as I don't want to take hormones. It would also be good to have some sort of discussion about hormones too so that I have more info about it.
I'm feeling ready to take this next step as right now I am hanging. My wallet still has two different identities in it and my relationship to both the male and female parts of me is hurting my head and my heart.
I feel disconnected from everything inside of me and it's hard to put it into words but the only thing I can say right now is that I am hurting. I am also aware that I did this to myself. I don't regret deciding to change my gender but I am struggling with how lonely it feels and what it is like to live in what feels like a permanent headfuck situation.
I feel lonely as I don't know what I am or who I am a lot of the time. I have done a lot of reading around ways in which people have made better relationships and connections within themselves and also read a few horror stories too.
There have been many accounts surrounding suicide attempts. Although I must make clear that I am not in any danger to myself or want to actively harm myself in any way, there is a part of me that can see why people have made attempts on their lives.
Feeling cut off, and disconnected from the self and everything else is a scary place to be. Sometimes when in groups of people I find myself thinking that I am just there watching and observing people living. There is a part of me that is feeling somewhat dead inside.
I hate it. It's a silent torture. There is also protocol to observe too. You can't exactly (when perhaps feeling overwhelmed by a social situation) to turn to people and say that you wish they knew the person that is trying to emerge rather than the awkward person stood in front of them.
People hug me, show me they care or tell me they love me and I feel guilty that I struggle to sometimes feel and accept that love and warmth. I then start blaming myself and before I know it my face is streaked with tears and I can't stop thinking that I did this all to myself and that I just have to suck it up.
My partner is very affectionate and lovely and sometimes I feel like a failure that I can't give her what I feel I should. I sometimes wish I could have just been a lesbian drag king then we wouldn't have to deal with these other gender things. Yet I know she does love me and care for me being the person I am as when she met me I was already male identified.
This is definitely my hang up. But sometimes it isn't easy knowing that the dual gender thing can impact on someone else and can bring a load of shit their way too.
I hate feeling that I am weird and that my life will never be as simple as I would like it to be. Yet at the same time I can't live identifying as female when that isn't who I am nor who I ever was. It's also a shame that in society we are categorised by having to be either male or female. Why can't a man have a vagina and a woman have a cock? Why is it deemed so strange?
I say this as I think I know plenty of female bodied people that are probably more blokey than bio men that I have met. This is the thing about gender, it is a fluid thing in some cases. The debates and classifications regarding sex and gender have been in place for centuries. As people we can't always be defined as being 'one or the other'. Being in the middle is another story altogether.
I do find it difficult to sometimes get my head around the fact that I am now comfortable having a vagina now I identify as a man. Questions have come up such as "Is it because I am now slimmer?" "Is it because I am more comfortable with myself?" But the actual truth of the matter is I don't know. All I know is that I am not female. By not being female it means I feel less trapped inside of my body. Yet I do feel that having breasts or still having a female identity where my passport is concerned unnerves me as that isn't who I am.
Yet I know I am not a biological male or feel that I am 100% in that camp either.
Ever since I was little I never felt I was 'one of the girls' more a case of being a boy amongst a group of girls. Now I am trying to live as honest a life as I can that is true to myself. Yet I still feel set apart from a lot of things.
I don't need to feel that I fit in but I do feel lonely feeling that I stand out or that I am not matching on the outside what I feel I am on the inside.
I wish I didn't have to bind or forget to modulate my voice in certain circles. But I can't go back to living in a female role, wearing a bra and having to wear larger tops because of the size of my chest. It makes me feel sick.
I also can't handle the mental image that it conjures up inside me. That isn't who I am. Nor who I want to present to the world.
Just because I want to have relationships with women doesn't make me straight either, but I am not as gay as I used to be either. Again, I am in the middle where that is concerned as well. This can make me feel a bit confused as to where I want to hang out as I don't want to be seen as straight but sometimes feel that I am offending same sex couples in certain spaces.
The fighter in me reminds me that this is most likely something that others have felt, or are in the process of going through. Collective feelings and sentiment is always going to be around us even if the journey and path we take is different for each individual.
It's about patience.
I also remember how far I've come and the hard work I have put into making changes in my life. I'm 3 stone lighter, I eat better, I exercise I try and maintain a focus not just on myself but also with some of the work I have been doing too.
When I do a photo shoot I want someone to feel they are being represented in a way that is accurate and I love it when I create images with someone where they feel happy or recognise how beautiful they are or can feel empowered or sexy. I feel satisfied when I have made images like this.
I also love interacting with people whereby we reach a good level of communication and collaboration and am excited about a few things I currently have in the pipeline.
I do remind myself that there is a bigger picture, there is a life waiting for me to live, be happy and to feel warm.
I do remember to laugh and smile. I also know that this isn't an easy time but I won't be defeated either. One thing is for sure, if life is hurting or feeling difficult then it's time to put your boots on and wade through whatever you have to wade through in order for things to make sense again or to feel safe and happy once again.
Monday, 9 May 2011
It's been a while...
There has been quite a few events happening since I last blogged. Some feelings I have are still the same and certain things inside me have changed a little but other confusions have grown.
I am also going to move house in just over 2 weeks and I am excited but I am also aware that a lot of things are going to change in my life, quite radically. It also signifies a new chapter of my life to which I am happy about but am still feeling nervous about at the same time.
Change is good but it is also freaking me out slightly. I have become used to living alone and now I am moving to a houseshare, my gf's houseshare to be precise but luckily we are having a room each so it will be taking baby steps in terms of living with a partner. I say this as I don't want to fall into the same traps I have done before in my past of having a living situation occur far too quickly. Then it lasting a couple of years and then it all going to pot and ending badly. The two ex-partners I don't speak with are ones I have lived with. They were also the same star sign. Luckily E isn't the same star sign as me and is nothing like anyone I have ever been with before and is very loving so that is a good step.
But, this time around things are slightly different. I think after being together for 15 months this has given us ample time to consider whether or not this would be feasible. We have also done a considerable amount of travel together in the time we have had, so again I have some confidence and positivity that this is a nice progression. But for some reason when things go up a gear there is a part of me that sometimes panics. I don't want things to go wrong or find that I will feel devastated if our love goes for one another. These things can happen but I don't want to feel mangled by my own heart.
May sound a bit stupid but that is how I feel. Love is something that intrigues me yet frightens me. Especially as I don't fall in love very easily nor will find myself with a desire to be in a relationship with someone at the drop of a hat. I have preferred to have multiple flings versus having a string of 'lovers' as even a lover is something more than just a fling, and is a relationship in some respects. If I don't feel that way, I avoid such connections. I prefer to deal with what is rather than what could be, especially if I know the feelings aren't there in the first part.
Given how allergic I used to feel I was to relationships, perhaps this is some remnant of that. Still at the same time what I want in life and in it's design is simple. I want to love someone and have them love me for the person I am. I want to feel that I am respected by the person I am with as well as being equal to them. I don't think I would want to entertain a relationship whereby someone is under my thumb or where I am under theirs. No matter how many assumptions people make I'm not the weedy, weak, easily bossed around fellow they might think me to be.
I have a voice, my own ways and opinions and to be entirely honest certain assumptions that sometimes fly around base on the fact my partner has a strong personality can be a little boring sometimes. Yes she has a strong energy but it doesn't mean that I am weak or the one that crawls around on his knees throughout the relationship.
Quite to the contrary but at the same time I don't see that I have to 'prove' who I am. I am just not as aggressive as most people that is all. This doesn't make me a pushover though, as in most circumstances I can see what behaviour people would love others to display and I refuse to be manipulated in that way. It's too easy to give people what they want.
People love to feel that they have something figured out or like to assume. I think this in part is what tires me with humankind sometimes. There is a constant tune that we are dancing to. It's always about reputation, status, social standing and position.
In all honesty I don't really know who I am anymore. Sometimes its exciting but at times (like now) I just feel empty inside. I might not be too sure as to who I am but I know what I am not. I just wish I could be left alone sometimes and not feel so much pressure around me to be so many different things or feel that I have to fit in somewhere. Or feel that I have to battle with others because of assumptions being placed upon me.
That's the sad thing. It is often claimed that none of us have to 'fit' in but in fact people do in some way shape or form. It's just that some people are better at doing it than others. I haven't quite got the hang of that one yet. In some circles I am considered quiet, in others I am considered to be quite a perverted mix of energy that is often over sexed and hyped up.
Then there are other circles where they have already been there and done it and moved on to the next level.
But in some cases as I have been finding out lately and through my new load of counselling, it seems I fit bang in the middle of pretty much everything. So by default it seems I am slightly outside before I even begin.
For the most part have moments where I enjoy it, but in other areas it's starting to confuse me and living with what I feel is a female and a male that I an not comfortable with is turning into a biological headfuck.
Right now I am waiting for a period to come, it's late and I know I am awash with female hormones right now. I don't want it, I feel like shit and I hate feeling that the female part inside of me is overriding the embryonic man inside of me.
I've realised that it's at these stages of the month in which my mood seriously crashes. The actual bleeding and period isn't such a bind but just the emotional feelings are. As is the hypersensitiviy that follows. I become nearly convinced that no one loves me, my relationship will be doomed. my life is turning to shit and I sometimes start waking up wishing I hadn't. All because of hormones.
When I have these feelings I really wouldn't care if a bus did come and put me out of my misery. Being that is the mood of that moment. Then I find something else will happen, one of those lovely moments where you'll receive a nice message, an invitation to something or something sent out by fate to remind the miserable part of my brain that I was wrong.
Well, that happens sometimes - the rest of the time I will remind myself that this is just down to how I feel now and to try not to let it bother me. Or the situation will pass. It does but then like the tide it returns sometimes washing more things back to my feet with each movement.
Then I look to the male side of me or what I feel is more of a fantasy I want to live and see. I have elements that are there and elements that are not there. Wearing a binder shields me from the world a little, it reminds me that there can be the possibility in life not to appear to have breasts.
I wish there were more men that were happy and comfortable with having a vagina, it would make those who do feel less like some sort of exotic species. Because I am a male that likes females it doesn't make me straight, yet I know I am not a part of the lesbian camp nor identity any longer. I'm a queer creature of sorts.
The sad truth is I hate my chest and feel imprisoned by it. I also know there are health implications when you bind long term. I also look at surgery options and ideally I want something that will leave me not feeling too disfigured either.
At the same time I know I can't go back to wearing a bra, I sometimes find taking my binders off at night scary. The reminder that I don't have the chest I wish I had is there. As is my feeling that I have been lying about my identity. My bank and tax details indicate I am now a 'Mr' my passport still has my old legal name and biological gender imprinted there.
My body and wallet is feeling like a headfuck. I am apprehensive about taking hormones. The side effects concern me and also there is a part of me that is unsure if hormones will do anything to enhance my life other than help me tick a few more boxes in what satisfies medical and psychiatric services into proving that I am male. A male that complies. If I craved testosterone I think some of my feelings would be a little simpler and there wouldn't be such a tension inside of me.
I don't want to take steps back but I am unsure how I go about moving forwards. Making my money go further will be my first step in taking some control. I need to save to pay a private psychiatrist so I can see about sorting out my passport a bit quicker than how long it is taking Charing Cross. I can see someone privately when I am paying less in rent and living expenses. I can also start saving towards surgery as well. This is something that I know I definitely want, but I do want to try and get the best surgery that I can but for that I need to live cheaper so that I can start saving. The thousands of pounds required aren't going to come from no where and I need to do this. Especially if it means that I am then the man that I want to become.
I need to find my way. I am desperate for clarity and an idea of what to do next. The inner unrest is painful and I don't want to feel like this anymore. One thing I have found about confusion is that its really lonely to feel like this and it can make you start doubting everything and everyone around you.
In this situation there are two options...either face it or cut away from everything. I am a believer in facing life's difficulties whilst maintaining a code of honour and respect to those close. Running away may feel like an easy option but it won't solve anything. Like the tide it will only come back and bite me.
At the same time I feel like a freak and that I don't deserve to have people that care around me nor see much worth in who I am. Seriously what is so special about me...there are many others who are similar who just get on with their lives and are happy. Right now I am not. But I refuse to always feel like this.
I need to find my peace with myself. Especially as I am now a person of two parts, two genders and finding that I am not comfortable with either. I wish I didn't feel so odd but I know I will find a safe space once again, and an inner security which right now I don't have. But I am looking for it and know I will find a space inside my head and heart where I am not feeling so disconnected.
Until then it's almost like uttering words you would tell a soldier: Courage Man, shall take you to Victory...or some crap like that.
I am also going to move house in just over 2 weeks and I am excited but I am also aware that a lot of things are going to change in my life, quite radically. It also signifies a new chapter of my life to which I am happy about but am still feeling nervous about at the same time.
Change is good but it is also freaking me out slightly. I have become used to living alone and now I am moving to a houseshare, my gf's houseshare to be precise but luckily we are having a room each so it will be taking baby steps in terms of living with a partner. I say this as I don't want to fall into the same traps I have done before in my past of having a living situation occur far too quickly. Then it lasting a couple of years and then it all going to pot and ending badly. The two ex-partners I don't speak with are ones I have lived with. They were also the same star sign. Luckily E isn't the same star sign as me and is nothing like anyone I have ever been with before and is very loving so that is a good step.
But, this time around things are slightly different. I think after being together for 15 months this has given us ample time to consider whether or not this would be feasible. We have also done a considerable amount of travel together in the time we have had, so again I have some confidence and positivity that this is a nice progression. But for some reason when things go up a gear there is a part of me that sometimes panics. I don't want things to go wrong or find that I will feel devastated if our love goes for one another. These things can happen but I don't want to feel mangled by my own heart.
May sound a bit stupid but that is how I feel. Love is something that intrigues me yet frightens me. Especially as I don't fall in love very easily nor will find myself with a desire to be in a relationship with someone at the drop of a hat. I have preferred to have multiple flings versus having a string of 'lovers' as even a lover is something more than just a fling, and is a relationship in some respects. If I don't feel that way, I avoid such connections. I prefer to deal with what is rather than what could be, especially if I know the feelings aren't there in the first part.
Given how allergic I used to feel I was to relationships, perhaps this is some remnant of that. Still at the same time what I want in life and in it's design is simple. I want to love someone and have them love me for the person I am. I want to feel that I am respected by the person I am with as well as being equal to them. I don't think I would want to entertain a relationship whereby someone is under my thumb or where I am under theirs. No matter how many assumptions people make I'm not the weedy, weak, easily bossed around fellow they might think me to be.
I have a voice, my own ways and opinions and to be entirely honest certain assumptions that sometimes fly around base on the fact my partner has a strong personality can be a little boring sometimes. Yes she has a strong energy but it doesn't mean that I am weak or the one that crawls around on his knees throughout the relationship.
Quite to the contrary but at the same time I don't see that I have to 'prove' who I am. I am just not as aggressive as most people that is all. This doesn't make me a pushover though, as in most circumstances I can see what behaviour people would love others to display and I refuse to be manipulated in that way. It's too easy to give people what they want.
People love to feel that they have something figured out or like to assume. I think this in part is what tires me with humankind sometimes. There is a constant tune that we are dancing to. It's always about reputation, status, social standing and position.
In all honesty I don't really know who I am anymore. Sometimes its exciting but at times (like now) I just feel empty inside. I might not be too sure as to who I am but I know what I am not. I just wish I could be left alone sometimes and not feel so much pressure around me to be so many different things or feel that I have to fit in somewhere. Or feel that I have to battle with others because of assumptions being placed upon me.
That's the sad thing. It is often claimed that none of us have to 'fit' in but in fact people do in some way shape or form. It's just that some people are better at doing it than others. I haven't quite got the hang of that one yet. In some circles I am considered quiet, in others I am considered to be quite a perverted mix of energy that is often over sexed and hyped up.
Then there are other circles where they have already been there and done it and moved on to the next level.
But in some cases as I have been finding out lately and through my new load of counselling, it seems I fit bang in the middle of pretty much everything. So by default it seems I am slightly outside before I even begin.
For the most part have moments where I enjoy it, but in other areas it's starting to confuse me and living with what I feel is a female and a male that I an not comfortable with is turning into a biological headfuck.
Right now I am waiting for a period to come, it's late and I know I am awash with female hormones right now. I don't want it, I feel like shit and I hate feeling that the female part inside of me is overriding the embryonic man inside of me.
I've realised that it's at these stages of the month in which my mood seriously crashes. The actual bleeding and period isn't such a bind but just the emotional feelings are. As is the hypersensitiviy that follows. I become nearly convinced that no one loves me, my relationship will be doomed. my life is turning to shit and I sometimes start waking up wishing I hadn't. All because of hormones.
When I have these feelings I really wouldn't care if a bus did come and put me out of my misery. Being that is the mood of that moment. Then I find something else will happen, one of those lovely moments where you'll receive a nice message, an invitation to something or something sent out by fate to remind the miserable part of my brain that I was wrong.
Well, that happens sometimes - the rest of the time I will remind myself that this is just down to how I feel now and to try not to let it bother me. Or the situation will pass. It does but then like the tide it returns sometimes washing more things back to my feet with each movement.
Then I look to the male side of me or what I feel is more of a fantasy I want to live and see. I have elements that are there and elements that are not there. Wearing a binder shields me from the world a little, it reminds me that there can be the possibility in life not to appear to have breasts.
I wish there were more men that were happy and comfortable with having a vagina, it would make those who do feel less like some sort of exotic species. Because I am a male that likes females it doesn't make me straight, yet I know I am not a part of the lesbian camp nor identity any longer. I'm a queer creature of sorts.
The sad truth is I hate my chest and feel imprisoned by it. I also know there are health implications when you bind long term. I also look at surgery options and ideally I want something that will leave me not feeling too disfigured either.
At the same time I know I can't go back to wearing a bra, I sometimes find taking my binders off at night scary. The reminder that I don't have the chest I wish I had is there. As is my feeling that I have been lying about my identity. My bank and tax details indicate I am now a 'Mr' my passport still has my old legal name and biological gender imprinted there.
My body and wallet is feeling like a headfuck. I am apprehensive about taking hormones. The side effects concern me and also there is a part of me that is unsure if hormones will do anything to enhance my life other than help me tick a few more boxes in what satisfies medical and psychiatric services into proving that I am male. A male that complies. If I craved testosterone I think some of my feelings would be a little simpler and there wouldn't be such a tension inside of me.
I don't want to take steps back but I am unsure how I go about moving forwards. Making my money go further will be my first step in taking some control. I need to save to pay a private psychiatrist so I can see about sorting out my passport a bit quicker than how long it is taking Charing Cross. I can see someone privately when I am paying less in rent and living expenses. I can also start saving towards surgery as well. This is something that I know I definitely want, but I do want to try and get the best surgery that I can but for that I need to live cheaper so that I can start saving. The thousands of pounds required aren't going to come from no where and I need to do this. Especially if it means that I am then the man that I want to become.
I need to find my way. I am desperate for clarity and an idea of what to do next. The inner unrest is painful and I don't want to feel like this anymore. One thing I have found about confusion is that its really lonely to feel like this and it can make you start doubting everything and everyone around you.
In this situation there are two options...either face it or cut away from everything. I am a believer in facing life's difficulties whilst maintaining a code of honour and respect to those close. Running away may feel like an easy option but it won't solve anything. Like the tide it will only come back and bite me.
At the same time I feel like a freak and that I don't deserve to have people that care around me nor see much worth in who I am. Seriously what is so special about me...there are many others who are similar who just get on with their lives and are happy. Right now I am not. But I refuse to always feel like this.
I need to find my peace with myself. Especially as I am now a person of two parts, two genders and finding that I am not comfortable with either. I wish I didn't feel so odd but I know I will find a safe space once again, and an inner security which right now I don't have. But I am looking for it and know I will find a space inside my head and heart where I am not feeling so disconnected.
Until then it's almost like uttering words you would tell a soldier: Courage Man, shall take you to Victory...or some crap like that.
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