30

This is my 30th posting and this feels like somewhat of a mini milestone for me...well where blogging is concerned.  I have previously had a habit of starting blogs but not sticking to them.  Something about commitment issues I feel.  I have found that after a while there comes a point where I run out of things to say or want to say.

I am opinionated, I can rant and rave until the cows come home but then there is also the moment of feeling things such as do people really give a toss what I think? Do I even care what I think? Am I making sense?

Well, the jury is out a little on that one but whilst they are having a quick fag outside I would like to remember a few things since transitioning.

These things being funny things that I have experienced since I have started my journey.

So far in my year of being Leng I have discovered a few things.

-If I buy tampons shop assistants like to offer to help me.
-At parties with straight women I have been told as to what the joys of sex with older women are, how enlightening the experience can be and as a "young man" I should understand "The Vagina is a Complicated Thing"...try being a man with a c*nt sista and we'll trade notes.
-No matter how masculine I look the man in the frame shop will always see me as a 'lovely young lady'.
-If in certain places with E they think I am a lesbian or a gay man that thinks I'm a lesbian.

I still use my legal name for admin although now I have a magazine subscription and a rail card in the name of Mr Leng Montgomery

I never thought having a railcard would make me feel so complete but I realised it's not the 1/3 off that excites me (well maybe my bank balance a little more) but it's something I see as having my proper name on.

Being a Monty makes a man want things in order and to feel proper and not an imposter.  This feeling is starting to creep in more and more and I just see it as a sign that we have to move onto phase 2.  Phase 2 will enable me to legally become who I really am.

I'm ready.  There is no more time for 'she' and no more time for being Cleo. Just writing that name makes me feel that I am writing about a stranger. I don't feel sad about it but it's like one of those relationships where you feel that it's time to move on.  A bit like having a photo of an ex on the wall and stuff like that, it's time to start afresh, enjoy the memories but at the same time remember that there is a new life ahead of me and I don't want to feel that I am aligned to the past.

In the meantime now is the time forge ahead.  Things have to change work-wise, we have a lot to do and we have to get it up (in all senses) and I have many things swirling in my head in an endless mirage. Again what's new there?

Life is an ongoing adventure and mystery but I am curious as to what fate has in store for me next.  I sense something is going to radically shift, I don't know what and be it for good or bad but I am prepared and have a spare pair of clean pants just in case.

Something's Going On

I feel very different at the moment but in a way whereby I am not feeling uncomfortable with it. I don't have a sense of anxiety, or any feeling of negativity but I feel like something inside me has stabilised. Whatever has been pushing at me and yanking my chain from within seems to have fallen asleep.

Still whatever it is I am happy about it. As always there are things I seek to achieve and would desire but at the same time I also feel a sense of satisfaction with how my life is for the most part. Also I have been reading a lot of news lately.  I look at around 10-20 news based websites and blogs a day and I must say it has really widened my scope and opened my mind as to what is happening in the world.

A few things have gone into a sense of perspective. The world isn't always a nice place and right now there are many things that a person could be depressed about or bogged down by but I think the key to some elements of happiness is the will to want to be happy but also to look at things in context.

Right now in my life I have all the elements that make me happy, I have shelter, food, warmth and love. I also can choose to be the person I am, as well as have choices about a number of different things. Something of which isn't a reality for everyone.  Therefore I try and focus on what I do have rather than what I don't.  I am not talking in terms of material possessions either.


There are things I desire but am happy to wait for it as that not only is the position I have to accept but also it's something I can aim for. Nothing in life is as 'instant' as we would necessarily be led to believe. I really want to step up changing my name as I feel it's time but on the other hand it isn't going to kill me if I have to wait another couple of months before that happens.

There is a lot of work on at the moment with stuff I am doing for the website before it launches, and things to set up there.  I also want to expand on a few ideas too and see how they can be produced so that too occupies a lot of my mind.

I refuse to give into certain types of negative thinking at the moment.  I realised a little while ago that I was easily seduced by certain thoughts which in turn meant certain parts of me could potentially stagnate.  I can't get closer to 30 thinking in what I see as immature ways anymore.

I also don't want this in the make up of my new identity wherever possible. I do feel that if I am changing in every other way then now is the time to actively let go of parts of me that seemed to take a masochistic pleasure in feeling awful.

I'm never going to be a Happy-Go-Lucky type that will be irritatingly unrealistic in seeing the world through rose tinted glasses but at the same time it doesn't mean I have to be a miserable bastard either. It's about balance.

Life to me is about making it the best you can and utilising the tools you are provided with in order to make things work, without it being at too much of an emotional cost to others. I find it's to easy to be very selfish and to only think of how everything serves a purpose to the self. To some degree we need a touch of that but at the same time there is no need to be an arse about it either or do things that willfully hurt others.

That is something I find hard to identify with. I'm no angel though.  Like anyone I know I could piss someone off easily and in the past I know I have upset people before but a willingness to learn from things like that I think helps. I don't want to be the person I used to be as whenever I think of that time I feel trapped and confused.

Only now are a few things making sense as is having the confidence to really be honest with myself and be my true self - these are the attributes that make me feel that I am growing.

I am sure there is a point in here somewhere but for the most part this afternoon I seem to have many words and many thoughts.

Work....

This has been one rather busy week in terms of doing bits and pieces. If people think I sit around on my backside at home doing very little then think again! Still one benefit is that I do get to work at home but it doesn't mean I do any less compared to someone who clocks into an office everyday. 

In any work situation there are pro's and cons.  On major pro in my work is that it means I tend to eat less as working mostly alone means I am not distracted by other people's appetites or using the lunch slot not just for refuel but for a mini escape.

I don't really have that, but isolation is quite high and sometimes I feel vestiges of cabin fever setting in but for the most part it's ok.  There are days that lots of people are around too so I suppose I get to experience the best of both worlds.

I have been learning many new things lately as to how to work alone, how to work when setting something up from scratch and learning what works from what doesn't.  It is a continual process but I am feeling a sense of satisfaction as well as structure from what we are doing and what we hope to achieve.

Everything I do has to have some element of plan or goal about it at the end, well when it comes to career anyhow as these structures offer me a strong sense of security.  I have a few other plans too but as of yet I am not going to discuss them as I need to see how a few things pan out before I move to them.

Like most things it's about finishing one stage before I do the next.  Speaking of which I must say how much praise I have for my GP.  He is very good at getting on with what is needed.  Charing Cross sent a letter to me but because I have no psychiatric reports yet they won't admit me.  Still it's fine as I know I have to see Doctor Curtis.  I really want to now but have to save up the money in order to see him otherwise the other things I want won't be materialising in a hurry.

Still it's nice to know what I have to plan and sort out for phase two of my transition.  Phase one was living in role for a year.  Phase two shall comprise of seeing Doctor Curtis and changing my name, bank stuff and starting the legal changing of my gender. Phase three shall be the day when I have my top surgery.

I decided to break it into stages as it makes it easier and also allows me to do everything one step at a time as I know then that I would be ready for it.  The sense of urgency, well not exactly urgency...I'm not going to die or anything like that but perhaps I should say I have a keener attitude to want to change all my documents now as I feel odd every time I see 'Miss' on documents as well as putting an F in a box when it comes to describing my gender.  It's also a pain in the arse sometimes as yes biologically I am female bodied but I am starting to feel more and more weirded out about having breasts when I look masculine on the outside.

Still that is what happens if you are born in the wrong body. Although I must say that I do like having a cunt.  That I have no issue with but then I do see myself as a queer man. I don't have an attitude of I AM MAN (well unless I'm right about something :P) but I like the versatility that comes with being able to have a cock as well as a cunt.

Those are my feelings. Just as I know everything is experienced differently and has different meanings to other people.

When I have sex I often feel that it is a genderless expression which I love only depending on what parts of me I am using or are being used that seems to become a rather conceptual affair of the senses. I never feel that a more male or more female part of me is being stimulated.

Sexually I have always felt male so for me genitalia isn't the main focus of that expression.

Still that is how I feel about things.

Alive and Kicking

Following my last post about health I am happy to report that everything is fine.  So nothing more to worry about anymore and I don't have a heavy horrible feeling inside anymore.  I am also pleased that I don't have anyone worrying about me either as I don't like being the source of something like that.

I would also like to take the opportunity to thank E, my family and friends for their lovely text messages, emails and phone calls. I really did appreciate it. 

Still on the subject of moving on and breathing a sigh of relief, have started going to the gym as I am on a mission to regain a bit of strength that I am still lacking at the moment. I do feel a little run down so some of my usual output is affected but I haven't stopped exercising I just have to do things a bit differently.

Today I did well, did quite a lot of work on the weights.  I have also done a few more weights in the house and some sit ups and press ups.

Tomorrow I will play squash after lunch so that shall provide a little extra cardio in my exercise routine and will be nice to spend time with my sibling S as well.  I will beat her one of these days but until then I shall make sure I exercise to enjoy doing what I am doing.

For the last few weeks I have been steadily losing around 1kg a week and ideally I would like to lose another 5 or at least feel I have shed more as I am still seeing not enough change in some parts of my body but at the same time I know that with hard work it will go.  I have also limited what I have been eating which on some days is fine but other days it gets boring and I know I will have to watch that a little otherwise deciding on what I will eat will become either tedious or irritating for those around me.

Weirdly I have found that since I started working from home I eat a lot less as most of the time I forget to eat or I have to really make myself do it.  At least if I have people coming in the evening or meetings in the day with people I find I eat better and with structure too.

Still it will work itself out.  I'm still adjusting to how my body is now and I will get there.  I know rationally I am not the size I used to be but certain things don't seem to be showing any difference.  I keep thinking I have a larger belly and thighs but then even when I was very thin as a child I remember thinking I had huge legs then.

As long as I keep exercising I know I will be ok and with that I know I will be keeping my weight down I also want to have ore energy and strength but I think that shall come when there is a bit more of adjustment to the seasonal change we are currently experiencing.  I find between seasons (esp the Wintry ones) I want to hermit and hibernate but I won't! I do have some exciting things planned this month in terms of film festivals coming up and stuff like that but I also need to conserve cash at the moment too so will look forward to having dinner party type things as well and just not partying all the time but seeing people in a more qualitative way. That to me is important as I think I would go a bit stir crazy if I didn't see my friends or E at varying points in the week.

Living alone and working alone is a completely different discipline in itself. I know I am getting used to that but at the same time I really enjoy it - in term of work.  Sometimes I feel a bit of cabin fever if I don't have any physical contact with someone but at the same time at least if I want company I can have it! But the same applies with space too.

Things do change though.  One day I could be living with someone or just live in a giant house with many rooms and only me in it.  I don't like the thought of that as recently the inner thoughts that surround having a house, wife and possibly children started ticking on my mind.  But at the same time I have little phases where these thoughts really hang around.

Still fate and time shall decide whether or not I shall have those things in life, and also I have been to a wedding recently, seen lots of wedding photographs and keep seeing through my facebook newsfeed that more and more people I know are either engaged, married, having kids or just popped out a sprog so really there is no escaping it.

For those who aren't they seem to have bought their own place, started baking or they have cats.

Everyone is growing up: I'm going to be 27 in January which is actually quite soon, come to think of it and within that I know that it means I am getting closer to the big 3-0 to which there are certain goals I want to have accomplished by then or I know I will be massively pissed off with myself.

Still the weight target is going well and now I have extended my goal now to go from 70kg to 65kg so that will give me something to work to and let's see if I can do it. Ideally before Christmas but after the festive period it will allow a bit of grace especially when there will be nice food that I won't be not eating. As I do love food a lot.

In my house forget porn mags I have millions of food magazines and I love reading about recipes and I do love cooking and eating.  I just have to control how much it likes me.

Keeping my body as it is now is important to me, especially as it helps in my transitioning as I don't have so many curves when I am slimmer.  I also want a bit more muscle definition and to feel that I have the shape that matches my mental image.  I'm almost there just have a bit more work to do on that.

But like a lot of things, time, effort and patience is what is required - bit like with some work things I am sorting through at the moment.  I need to find more content for my site as well as to network and collaborate with the right people.  All of which is happening but it's taking it's time and there are some people I know that are already 'on board' so to speak but with some others it will be a process of time and also once we launch I know people will have a clearer picture as to what we are about.  I really want this to work and I believe in it so that is good it's just like anything, you don't know what it will be like until it's turned out.

Once I completed a few projects at uni and released them I found my feelings and energy changed as not only was it made but it was pushed to its next level. That is what I need to push on with right now and I am doing so.

Everything shall fall into place soon enough.  Things are already happening but it's one little wave at a time.

Waiting

I have been having one of those days today whereby a few things are just not making full sense and also a couple of other things are in limbo.  I've realised that limbo is a place and state that I am really quite uncomfortable with as it leaves space for potential speculation as well as just the thought of "what if?" Still I have learned a really good grounding technique of wanting to only concentrate on things happening that are actual fact rather than speculation.

So far it is working well but at the same time there is a mass of other thoughts that I am processing and dealing with and I know that following a health appointment on Thursday I shall either have a few things either confirmed or reassured.

It's annoying feeling that there could be something that is wrong, also having a feeling that something already is wrong.  Feeling under the weather too really isn't helpful at this stage either as I keep reminding myself that I am alive and I am not going to be ill. I really don't like the thought of that and if something is wrong then I shall have to deal with that and I can.  

Fortunately I have a mindset that is quite black and white when it comes to things like this, but with anything medical I can't stand the thought of either not knowing or as a good friend of mine would say all of this "hoo hah" over something that potentially be nothing.

But then there is the little niggling part that has that ever so unhelpful suggestive tone of "what if?" So far if I have had that moment then it has constituted of "What If?" can Fuck Off. It has worked well so far. But on the other scale I have found myself having more thoughts that surround experiencing and maintaining my goals of what I want to have out of life and what I want to create.

Nothing like a bit of a sense of mortality for sharpening the brain.  Which perhaps sounds a little morbid but it its true that we only get one life.

It makes me take note and account of times that I have been depressed and that I have had chunks of times whereby I feel I have wasted life a little down to stopping moving.  But at the same time these things do happen as do theses thoughts and no one is perfect and I am a firm believer that we learn from our experiences and respective histories.

Life is one of those ever evolving things and experiences that we have either individually and collectively do shape and mould us as people. If we don't get a knock or just live in a bubble then reality I think will bite you far harder than if you fall on your arse at least once in your life.

Still when everything is flux it's important to remember what you hold dear, who you love, who you care about and what it is you care about.  These are my main thoughts at the moment and that is what I concentrate on.

There's No Place Like Home...

My eyes have been opened quite wide tonight as to how vile some men can be in the way they talk about women. I've realised that in some ways I have been a little naive in how I feel women are treated by men as a lot of the men I know and respect are very caring, sensitive and positive towards people as well as other human beings.

But on a train ride home from Brighton, in the carriage next to mine there was a group of 5 men who thought they had the carriage to themselves and didn't seem to think that there would be people in the other carriages and given that they had clearly had a few too many they were certainly not holding back any thoughts, comments and opinions on what they thought about women.

The nuggets of their vile opinions ranged from having an 'ugly girl' suck one of them off as it's not like he had to look at her, to which his friends all seemed to think that this was a great idea.

Conversation then moved onto what type of tits a woman 'should' have and that women with small tits or no tits 'should' be lesbians. Nice. Really charming bunch of men.  I wonder if they would have had this conversation if there were other women in the carriage. 
 
These are a couple of examples of what can only be described as a truly vile bunch of people. I don't want to write about the other things I heard as I will get more and more angry.

The lack of respect and objectification on this level was atrocious and I am really curious as to where they got it into their values system that acting like this is ok? 

I also admit that I did sit and do nothing. I'm not exactly proud of that but how I saw it was that there were 5 of them and 1 of me. I do hate situations like that, as I find I feel pissed off with myself at the end of it. I also admit that I didn't want to end up either crying or getting my head kicked in either.

Still this has left me thinking a little bit about how people behave and how they behave in different company. All of this false bravado and macho behaviour is disgusting.  I identify proudly as male but not that kind of male.

Still, fortunately I know a lot of lovely men who don't behave like that, nor would.

My bus journey back was a bit of a pain in the arse too as my bus seemed to have it's very own answer to 'The Peckham Terminator' only he was talking to himself, kept pacing up and down the bus and even bumped a couple of people to try and have a fight. Whilst still pacing, shouting, swearing and muttering crap and talking about cutting people up. Towards the end of my journey he did sit down and did start to be a little less aggressive (after seeing he was getting no reaction from anyone on the bus) but was still making noise for the sake of it and progressed to making clicky gesticulations at the window at himself.

I wanted to teleport myself back to the sanctuary of my flat very much so! Still I'm home now and apart from my journey back I had a really lovely and wonderful day so it's not all bad, and I won't let the actions of 6 idiots ruin my otherwise good day. 

I also learned that a combination of feeling slightly under the weather physically, feeling wet and cold coupled with PMS is not conducive to encountering tossbags of society. It can induce a feeling of wanting to shiver, kill, cry then die under a duvet.

Still tomorrow is another day and once I warm up and concentrate on the nicer points of life I know all shall feel lovely and fluffy once again.

Births, Marriages...

It seems at the moment I am seeing more and more people around me either getting pregnant, having a baby or they are getting married and in the place of babies they are getting litters of kittens instead. It's interesting once you find yourself in the age where quite a few of your peers are doing all of these grown up things.

Also stuff like buying a house, planning what to do with the rooms, finding a spouse...it's all part of that thing called 'Growing Up'. It also marks the start of the old biological clock ticking too...

Mine has perked up a little, although the thought of having a baby of my own makes me feel a mixture of excitement as well as pure, unadulterated fear.  Firstly I won't be getting pregnant and also it won't be until I am more settled in my career and know that I can provide well for it.  To be honest I think I am more fussed about marriage than I am a child.

The more weddings I attend the more I feel my own little internal clock ticking.  I will never be a conventional husband by any stretch of the imagination but since being a tiddler myself I have always wanted to get married. Perhaps growing up in a house where I knew I would never have that placed on me as an expectation has in turn made me want to do it one day. But for the right reasons.  I would have wanted to have been with the person a while and I would be doing it for love rather than seeing it as an administration purpose.

Underneath my exterior I am a bit of a romantic at heart, but that doesn't mean I would give someone a bunch of carnations or anything like that! I do find myself swept away by certain romantic virtues, yet at the same time I seem to have a healthy measure of cynicism to keep everything from turning into a Hallmark sponsored puke fest.

I attended a wedding at the weekend that was truly wonderful.  The couple were some old school friends of mine and it was nice to see everyone else too that I haven't seen in what felt like centuries! Also most people there were aware of some of the changes as to who I was and I didn't encounter any problems or too many awkward questions so that was nice.  Not that I would have been that bothered either as how I see it is that with a wedding it's about the couple and not really anyone else. Therefore politics and anything else should where possible be left alone wherever possible.

I found this great piece about marriage written by Rilke:

"The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky."

I really like this way of looking at marriage. 

Still I know I have more growing up to do before I think about such things, although in a few months I am to be 27, which to me means I have to ramp things up in terms of moving a few things along so that I am in the place I want to be by the time I am 30. As I learned last week, a lot can happen in a year as well as how fast a year can go. 3 years sounds like a long time but the things I want to do in that time shall mean it's all going to whizz by rather quickly.