The Waiting Game

Tuesday was shot day. E came with me to which I was really happy about especially as I felt so nervous. I didn't know what to expect other than it would hurt and maybe I would feel sick after wards.

In reality yes it did hurt as it felt tender then felt like fire on the spot where I had been injected.  Then it started stinging. I had a bit of a John Wayne hobble for a lot of the day but found that it interchanged between stinging, acing then feeling ok.

The last couple of days it has been a little tender and feeling more like an insect bite than anything else.

Other that that I don't have much else to report. My throat has been feeling a bit thicker, I have found myself needing to clear my throat more than before but that's been about it. I have started to grow in certain places which was a pleasant surprise, but haven't felt it as such but have noticed it.

One side effect I was concerned about would be libido increase. I thought this would be quite instant but I feel pretty much the same. If anything I think my horn levels have dropped slightly - but I think this is down to being busy and tired. I don't feel as scared of this happening as I used to as I have been learning how to manage a high libido for quite a while.

Even on especially horny days I don't have the desire to hump everyone and everything in sight. If I am to have sex I want it to feel like there is some form of meaningful exchange.  If I need quick relief I see to myself.

I used to have lots of one night stands and I am not anti it at all. But right now I want to get used to the changes in how my body is starting to change and is going to change.

I feel sleepy a lot of the time which is a feeling I wasn't expecting but I also think my body will be going through an adjustment stage of getting used to what is going on inside of it.

I have started doing some training. To which will help and will be good in working to change the shape of my body. I want muscles and to have nice definition and given I don't have an athletic background I know I will need to do some work where that is concerned. Weights, squats abdominal exercises will pay off in the long run...even if I find that type of exercise tedious and boring.

I am also determined to be able to do pull ups by the end of the year.  So for that I will continue to do exercises that mean I can start doing those as well.

This is what I like about setting goals, as I work my hardest to achieve them.

So far my goals for this year are being met or are about to be met.  This offers me structure and security to know where some things are at.  On a personal note 2011 has had more than enough curve balls to play with. I now want to find armistice somewhere amongst what has at times been emotional debry.

Still life does change and things like family and relationships if they are important to you shouldn't be taken for granted. It sounds all so simple doesn't it? But it's true. 

I have made it my personal goal to make sure I show people around me that I care about that I appreciate them a little more and try not to focus on negative things.

Earlier on this year I did become quite ill in some respects.  If I was to describe some of the depression I was experiencing it was as if my heart became slightly engulfed - turning a red heart, black. I found it hard to say many positive things to the people around me or to clearly see positive things.  It was difficult to sometimes remember when things were super rosy.

To be fair some of it was depression and some of it was because a few bad things started happening. Like with all things you sometimes have to go through it to come out of the other side. I look at what is good in life and that is because I started focussing my energies into things I knew that could make a difference.

I hold a similar opinion to this now with work, and with how I see other people. I have to find ways in which to use the energy and resources I have to keep my sphere a harmonious one. There is no point in letting everything slip away when I know I can change things if I want to.

Since I confronted what was making me scared it gave me confidence and power to start putting changes in for myself and I did find that blocking out what I thought other people thought about things was a wise option for myself.

Especially where transition is concerned. It may sound a bit harsh but with regard to things that effect my body and my life I can't have my first thoughts being based around people close to me but it actually has to start with would I want or be comfortable with something I want to put into place.

I am pleased that from consulting with Dr Curtis I had a choice as to what testosterone I would be taking and how I wanted to take it and when. These are things that are important to anyone and also a great way to feel a sense of independence and assertiveness as to who I am.

Naturally if I started displaying behaviour that was upsetting people close to me or if I started acting like an arse then I would want to be told but those close to me would tell me, so on that level I feel a bit more safe.

I am changing inside, I feel that but also emotionally there are parts of me that are changing. So far it is feeling nice.  I don't feel as anxious as I used to feel but am awash with a new energy at the moment which is lovely.  It's a similar energy I felt to when I first started binding and a feeling of closeness emerging to the shell and who I had always longed to be internally.

Still there is work to be done as part of phase 3.  I can't wait for the day that I have surgery rather than feeling I have gel packs squidged to the front of my chest. But like everything else it involves hard work and determination.

Phase 3

Tomorrow I am going to embark on what I have referred to as 'Phase 3' of my transition. From where I decided to start changes socially, phase 2 was the legals and now phase 3 is the start of the physical changes.

I feel a mixture of excitement, curiosity and a little anxiety about having my first shot of Nebido tomorrow. I seems that since I decided I would try testosterone the time to have it has come around very quickly but this time I feel I am welcoming it.

I want something that will help me pass better and to feel that I have more of a masculine essence internally as well as externally. It will also be interesting to see if around the time of my period if I pass better.  Every month when I am just about to come on and when I am bleeding I get identified as female far more than at any other time of the month. 

I am convinced that chemically my female hormones are being picked up on more.  I say this as a while ago (when just about to have a period) I was hot on by straight men at a party who told me really lame and cringe-worthy things like I have pretty eyes, I look very beautiful and could they take me out for a drink...I don't exactly look like the typical delicate, pretty eyed fodder that people go for.  I'm not the big rough tough type either. I don't really fit into any category but one thing is for sure I am not a woman.

I just happened to be born with a chest that had breasts attached. Looking at it I feel like I have some genetic mutation stuck to me. Still one day there will be surgery to remove that.  As for the other parts of me, I feel ok with that.

I need to lose weight soon which I am going to work on.  I want muscles and to feel like an adonis...I am an Aquarian - we like to fantasise a lot ok?

In a few weeks time I have my Charing Cross appointment too so hopefully then we can start opening up the discussion as regards surgery and what happens next.

But before that I have been lucky to have had people share many words of wisdom as regards how is the best way to take the T. All the messages I have received I really cannot thank you all enough for taking the time out to write to me and give me some advice.

Tomorrow at 10am I shall get to see what it's like.  I am expecting a buttock to feel like I have a golf ball inside of it and am hoping that I don't feel tender for too long.  Especially as I shall be repeating the experience in another 6 weeks from now.

Purple bum here I come...

Ready To Jump

I feel like I am standing at the end of a diving board, waiting to jump.  I want to but I keep feeling doubts holding me back and making my knees almost buckle.

Next week will mark another set of changes.  We are almost ready to show our site to testers that we have been working on, I am nervous and excited about this as it seems closer to the moment that it's here.  There is a lot riding on this and I hope that what we are aiming to put out will be well received by those who will be looking at our site.

I have also booked my second appointment with Dr Curtis.  Again I feel really nervous about seeing him, I don't know why but I just get really anxious before I have an appointment with him. I think I have worked out the reason why though and that is because seeing him (just as seeing people at Charing Cross) will make everything real.

There is no more talk to be had about the situation - it is all about making actions.

As long as I know I have an exit or a 'Plan B' then I feel safe.  I say this because I hate feeling that I am in situations whereby I don't have a choice or that I have done something which means I will be trapped.

The hormones debate is starting to bubble and rage in my head and heart which is why I want to take things slowly. If on a small dose I don't like it or feel it creates changes which aren't good for my well being then I will definitely come off it. So far I have been doing well in my transition without hormones.

I am not against them but I have been trying to transition as organically as possible.  I also haven't felt mentally prepared to do so. Now I feel I am in a position whereby I feel comfortable with trying it. It might help me pass better, I might feel more of a masculinity embracing my innards...I don't know until I have tried some.

I do have some concerns.  This might affect my relationships with other people and I have had concerns as to whether or not this will affect the relationship I have with E.

On an intimate level things do change in relationships a lot.  I was thinking about that last night when I was having dinner with E.  At being together just under 18 months, I didn't think we would come this far.  Not for being negative but when we first met we were a bit different in some respects and also I think when we met we weren't looking for a big love thing to happen.

It well and truly happened. There have been some testing moments but in many ways I am glad that we have experienced them together and each thing has brought us closer together and our love for each other has grown.

The love we have is an honest love. So far my gender hasn't created too many complications because we met whilst I have been Leng.  She also recognises me as male. It's the first relationship I have had whereby I have been someone's boyfriend. It's quite sweet in some respects as it is always nice in whatever relationship we have in life to have something that is special to that person.

For some it might be a particular orgasm or sexual awakening that might have taken place, or in others it can be a moment whereby they felt that the relationship had other firsts for both sides or certain shared experiences that make a relationship really special.

Each connection in life will always be memorable for a variety of reasons.

Maintaining a relationship is hard work, especially when fluctuating gender comes into play. I have read some really heartbreaking accounts of people thinking that they will never meet someone who understands them because they are trans. Or couples splitting up because one of the couple couldn't love or accept their partner in their preferred gender.

There can be so many associated issues with having a partner who has no fixed gender or is in process of changing gender.  The questions that can sometimes come up can be a bit confusing, but all relevant in certain respects.

I think it's normal to sometimes have fears that I hope I don't end up joining others who have experienced that yet at the same time it does make me cherish what is good about my own relationship.  Like all things it needs attention and nurturing in order to survive.  In many ways I see relationships as delicate organisms and not just a source of multiple orgasms.

I am excited about some aspects of commencing Phase 2 of my transition, but I do feel a little bit apprehensive - but only because I am stepping into new and unwarranted territory.  Perhaps I sound a bit naive or stupid but I didn't think I would come this far.

3 years ago I never thought I would be binding every day or have a new name.  I had wished that I wasn't the person I was. I never wanted the female shell that I inhabited.  I hated my face, how I looked and never felt that I was me. Then 2009 happened and suddenly I realised where all the out of place feelings and gaps between life and my body had emerged.

I didn't think I would take Testosterone nor thought it would be an option for me. 


This is something which is a joy to be had within transitioning and that is being able to live a life that feels true and is your own.  It's almost like a second lease of life in some respects.

It can be scary but at the same time it feels right and I can't ignore that.  Nor will I spend the rest of my life in isolation or in too much fear that I won't have relationships that will last because of who I am or that I won't be able to sustain love because I might become a hormonal handful.

These aren't nice thoughts to have, yet at the same time I know where they come from and I try to manage it as best I can. There are certain feelings that are becoming more important to me I just hope that I will experience them.

Certain things I don't want to be formed as a fantasy but that is something for another day.

T-Man

I've caved.  I have decided to try Testosterone.

Although there are some things about it which I am not overly enthused about I would like to see if taking a really small dose will make much of a difference to me.  I have also had a growing curiosity as to how much having male hormone will make me feel. 

At present I feel my body is missing something, a similar missing something feeling I had before I started binding.  There have been moments over the last 4 months whereby I feel that there are parts of me that are 'too female' is such a thing can exist.

The oestrogen black hole I find myself in once a month is becoming more and more difficult to cope with. If there is a way the male side of myself can be stimulated rather than suffocated I would happily try something along those lines. 

I am happy to accept that there is a mass change happening in me already and this is why parts of me can't rest. I am not yet satisfied with how a few things are and because of this I am working hard to start putting in some changes.  It has to be done or otherwise I will be sat on the fence with regard to a few things.  I also hate feeling that I am restless when it comes to getting something sorted out. 

Once things are in place I feel a lot calmer in regard to knowing what I want to do next rather than feeling that I am in limbo.  That is a place I struggle with and hate feeling that everything I do is under control of something else. I can't handle that type of situation. 

I am a bit worried that I will change too much and that in some ways I am starting to kill of certain parts of myself.  Yet at the same time I know that the person I was a couple of years ago isn't who I am now. Also we are always changing as people so I won't make myself ill over that.

I know more clearly what I want out of life and now my main energies are making sure that I achieve it.

I had blood tests done last week in preparation to go back to Dr Curtis and then I shall  discuss further how much Testosterone I shall take as well as think about side effects. I have my next appointment with him booked for the 13th so after that I should have a script for my GP who has then agreed to give me an appointment with the nurse at the clinic so I can learn how to safely inject myself.Also the other things I need to know about as well.

I have read up about the side effects and have decided to try and take as low a dose as possible just to see how I find it. Before I take it I will also have to look into when I will and will be having a few conversations with a few people regarding implications and possible changes. 

I am fully expecting some mood change to occur as well but how and what I don't know. What I have promised myself and others around me is if I don't react well to it or don't like it then I can always come off it.

I am not being bound by any law or any pressure to take it for the rest of my life. But this is something I feel I am ready to experience now.

I have spent a long time working on the social side of my transition and now I think the time is starting to come whereby it would be good to start working more on the physical side of things.

My body is also prepared for it.  I haven't smoked now for 15 days so I am feeling pleased about that but at the same time I know that I need to up my fitness and monitor diet otherwise I will put on weight.  Lots of people do when they quit smoking and I have found myself craving sweet things more than I did before. Still with the right balance, motivation and control I know I can do this. 

My appointment with Charing Cross is also starting to get closer so am quite intrigued and excited as to how that is going to go as well. As well as nervous.  When I start seeing them I want to discuss surgery options as well as how I go about sorting out my GRC (Gender Recognition Certificate) especially as I have a lot of things working in my favour.

But what is definitely needed now is to step up some of the physical side of things. My breasts have to go.  There is no if, but or maybe about it.  They don't belong on my body anymore. Hopefully by the time I am 29 I shall be breast free.

I will no longer feel trapped in the confines of a sweaty binder, hoping I have bound well so that I don;t ave too much of a protruding mono-boob on display under my t shirts.

I would love to walk around bear chested if the mood took me or an even nicer thing would be to be able to swim. 

I need to continue working on my stomach though as luckily the binding gives me a relatively flat tummy but when it is free I have noticed I have a bit of a pot belly going on which I will rectify by the end of summer. I might not have a rippling 6 or 8 pack...yet but something a little flatter would be nice.

Like everything else this is all a work in progress.  I have started doing some weight training and as soon as I start sorting out and finalising some of my surgery stuff I will be doing a big solid plan in terms of training to get my body well and truly prepared for the changes that are going to happen.

Mr Montgomery is in da house...

Following my meeting with Dr Curtis I was given a letter in which would enable me to apply for a new passport in new name and gender. I was elated to have that piece of paper and couldn't wait to fill out my application.

I got some mugshots taken and took my application to the very talented literary figure known to us as Lady V. I knew she would be kosher and was also glad to have someone that has been very supportive to me sign my passport. Since day one she has been nothing but supportive and lovely about me transitioning and she has also been a very lovely person to talk to when things have been difficult.

I did appreciate that she was halfway through resting that afternoon as well. Still she signed it, I sent it off and a week and a half later via the post office check and send service I now am Mr Montgomery officially.

OK, I know I have name change documents and bank cards and credit cards in my new name but so far I had nothing photo ID wise and now I do.  I can't believe how happy and complete I feel inside, having this in place.

I also made it one of my goals for 2011 and am pleased that 6 months in I have accomplished one of them.

As long as things move to where we want them to be then things seem to be making progress. I am starting to feel happier, as I am feeling clearer as to what it is I want and where I want to be. Knowing what my objectives are is a big help.

Life does have unexpected surprises that like to crop up from time to time. Also I have learned never to become complacent with whatever situation I am in as unfortunately things can change when you least expect it.  Relationships are something which need constant attention and to be nurtured otherwise they will suffer and in some cases they might drift apart.

Same applies with friendships.  It should never be taken for granted and like relationships they sometimes morph or change into different things, or just quieten down slightly.  I have been looking at a few changes to some friendships of late.  Especially when I look at photos taken last Summer and the Summer before. But that was that moment in time.  Things change. 

The people I have been in close contact with lately are really special to me and it has been lovely to spend time with them.  At the same time people I previously saw more of - there has been a little sorrow where that is concerned but at the same time life changes. I do remember the nice times had and I am sure there will be plenty to come but sometimes it boils down to proximity.

If it's not there it shouldn't be forced or pushed.

Aside this I also have some other goals in place.  Next Tuesday I am having some blood tests done so I can have a second appointment with Dr Curtis in order to start testosterone. I have said for a long long time that I don't want to take hormones, but I would like to try some.

I would be opting for a small dose just to see how it goes and am genuinely curious to see what effects it would have on me.  Also I feel I am missing something and perhaps a small dose of hormone is that? Because I don't know I want to take as small a dose as possible as I have researched and looked into what the side effects are. 

Gel was tempting but I wouldn't want any risk of it rubbing off on the wrong people so I think I will opt to try some shots just so I know there is no risk of anything untoward happening with it. I am not too worried about the thought of doing an injection but also know that there are a few people who have already offered to do my injection for me.

I also need to work on my voice and start finding ways to modulate that as my voice is a dead giveaway it seems.  If I call somewhere they straight away pronoun me to being female which is a problem sometimes so will find ways to make my voice sound deeper or more distinguishable as male.

It's nice to start thinking more about the physical sides of transition. Within this I need to continue exercising like a demon as I don't like my tummy very much when it's out of a binder so amongst the squash playing I think I shall also make sure I start doing some serious training to build up my muscles and get my stomach a bit leaner and more toned.

Again these are accomplishable goals if I work hard at them. Same applies to not smoking.  I haven't had a cigarette since last Saturday night and am trying to keep it that way. It isn't always easy and have had cravings but am finding other things to do other than try and smoke. 

Short term it has been thinking about food but I need to make sure I don't let that get the better of me either. I think I will try and channel it into as much physical exercise as possible or things that tone the body as that can be done anywhere and won't make me overweight.

I want some muscles and to be a ripped, lean flouncing machine!

I am sticking to my guns of taking things one step at a time as this so far is what is working for me.

Oxygen

It's been an eventful week for me.  Last week I was still in pain from teeth and really nervous about having my appointment with Dr Curtis.

I have never felt so nervous in such a long time. I cried for most of the day before I went to see him. I felt so scared that I would be seen to be 'fake' in some way or that I didn't fit any criteria.

With hindsight I also realise that I was very pre-menstrual and getting whacked by the oestrogen cloud can sometimes send me into what feels like a black hole. I felt so weak and small. It was awful. The night before I had a brilliant night with a friend of mine. We had steak, we talked, she made me laugh - I returned to my house where there were friendly and warm people inside of it and the loving arms of E. Yet there was something inside of me that felt awful.

Then in turn I felt guilty for feeling out of place. I was also still in pain.

I also managed to have a misunderstanding with someone last Friday as well. But I apologised and I did calm down too. I also realise that some of my grouchy side has also been visited upon my partner too but I have noticed it and have apologised for that too. 

I hate feeling grumpy but especially with people that are close to me. In some cases I would much rather hide under a rock or sedate myself if I feel like that, as there is nothing worse than feeling guilty and grumpy simultaneously.

Still things are turning a corner slightly.

I went to the appointment on Friday afternoon after getting drenched in the rain, and I semi stripped when I sat in his office with soggy hair.

The consultation seemed relatively straightforward.  He asked about my childhood, how long I had been transitioning for and why I had come to see him.

I went a bit home office on him and said that I wanted a new passport and showed him evidence of my name change, wage slip and bank changes and also pointed out that I was 'out' to all family and friends. I am out and given that if my name is googled at any point it will come back to this blog so there will be no avoiding it.

I also don't mind if people know. But this is my choice.

He gave me a letter that I have placed into a passport application which I am submitting today. It states that I am living full time as a man, and that I intend to continue doing so permanently. I am very happy to have this letter as I know that this will help my application massively, also is something that is compulsory regarding changing gender on a passport.

Being called 'Miss' really disturbs me. I also hate feeling that I am living as a fraud. I am not a biological man, nor ever will be but I am male. This is something that I know I am. I am not a woman. I never was.

Putting on a shirt this morning (without too much sadness I must add) I couldn't help but think how strange and alien I look with breasts. They really don't belong on my body. Just as they didn't on people like Buck Angel and many of millions of trans men.

There aren't so many men out there that are proud to say that they are a man with a vagina. In fact the only person I have ever heard of that talks very happily and comfortably about this is Buck but I too share a similar sentiment.

Don't get me wrong I feel very attached to having a cock as well but its a different feeling.

In a near tantric sense what I was born with is definitely my root and everything else has developed and evolved from it. In some ways I feel I have two hearts.  One in my chest and one between my legs.

Funnily enough I have had stages in life where I think I have been connected more to one rather than the other.  They both operate in different ways yet at the same time I would be lost without the other at the same time.

Today has been a day that fr the first time in ages I have started feeling happier on the inside and more settled with what else has been happening around me. I want to make some changes to my life and I want to also progress with goals I have set myself.

The passport change as high on my list as having photographic and official ID in a new name is very important to me.  Especially whenever I book tickets to travel I won't have to revert back to being a 'Miss' ever again. As I said before it does disturb me. 

I also know that on another level the more things I have legally that confirm I am male has started helping me become less bothered if people call me by a female pronoun. As I feel it is their mistake.
It is interesting that around the time of my period men seem to be able to suss me out as being female much faster and again I am convinced it is down to being able to smell oestrogen on me or if my hair isn't short enough.

Some of this reason and also having the ostrogen black hole every month has now led me to another decision: Hormones.

I want to try testosterone on a low dose for a short period of time such as 3 months. I want to see if the changes are something that I will like, welcome or be ok with.

There is something that is missing inside of me right now and I feel that this might be it, just as I used to feel a similar emptiness before I started binding. I don't feel I want a massive amount of hormone in my system but I think maybe a small amount might 'top up' and help give me a few subtle changes that I would like.

Still for that a blood test needs to be done and then another appointment so again, I am in no massive rush.  The passport was my priority. As I seem to be working on the social side of my transition primarily and then the physical.

I do need to get a bit more buff soon, but am going to go to the leisure centre today so that will be a good step forward, especially if it means I start putting myself back on the wagon as I am now ok to exercise again and where I hurt a rib a few weeks ago that now feels better so now is the time to moving once again.

About A Boy

There have been many changes happening over the last few months and all in all my feelings of 2011 are pretty mixed. Particularly as for vast chunks of it I feel that I have been spent grieving. Certain relationships with family and friends have changed and I need to get used to that.


At the same time relationships change all the time.  Who we were great friends with a year ago might be more distant to us now. Especially if our paths are set not to cross or our spheres aren't at one. I have learned a few things though and that is not to then try and meddle with other relationships had in life.

It is very easy once some negativity sets in to then think everything else is going to fail and in some ways putting more negativity into the internal sphere. It isn't overly logical is it? Yet at the same time without acknowledging or seeing this then the pattern of destruction is bound to continue.

In the last 2 weeks I have moved house (finally) and had 4 wisdom teeth removed and on Friday I am seeing Dr Curtis. This is a momentous week it seems. Also saw a very lovely Lady of Islington and her delightful baby. 


I don't know if he possesses magical powers but suddenly life and the world doesn't seem so rubbish when you look at him or hold him. I am convinced he is a magic baby and what is beautiful about his presence is that he is full of love and the people who made him are full of love for him.


I think this is what is so good about planned children in certain respects.  They are wanted and desired from day one and in effect people were prepared and ready to receive them.

I suppose being queer means that any baby we have will be planned as by and large there is pyrex involved.  I am generalising slightly but I would assume that a high percentage of queer families that plan carefully when and how they can reproduce.


I am still a little bit unsure if I want any children of my own.  I do get broody urges but at the same time I want to feel that I am ready.  Right now I have a lot happening in my head and life to even entertain such thoughts.


I want to feel happy within myself and satisfied that I am accomplishing all that I want.  I also don't want to subject my child to what I am feeling right now. I am not satisfied with myself or with some other aspects of life right now and I would never want to visit that onto them.


It's bad enough doing that to another person, let alone a child.


I also want to become comfortable with myself before I think about children too as I know that in some ways it won't be as simple or straightforward. I am not sure if I want to be a 'Dad' but then something I read once (and make of this what you will) really made sense to me : "It is easy to become a father but it takes someone special to be Daddy"


I am sure my kinkier friends reading this might be stroking their knees a little bit enthusiastically at that one but on a non pervy note this statement makes sense on some levels.


But my short term things to change and get back in order are taking priority.  I need to register at a new Doctors surgery and in some ways I am sad not to have my old GP.  If anyone is living around Bethnal Green I will happily recommend my old GP he is very helpful and forward thinking.  He also was happy to be pushy on my behalf and would do so for any patient he has. 


Hopefully the new one will be helpful too.

The main thing I am looking forward to is for things in my life to calm down a little especially as I have a lot of things I want to do.  This is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be to begin with and I feel as if I am drowning slightly.


Feeling lonely, ugly and confused is possibly not the best place to be in. I don't need people to tell me that I am the opposite of these feelings but I just wish I could sometimes feel that lovely happy and content feeling that I see other people having.


The last 4 months have been one sudden change to another and I am pleased that a sense of grounding is happening as quite honestly I am feeling exhausted. I also feel that I am failing on certain levels.  A lot of this is down to changing and not really knowing who it is I am any longer and feeling disconnected from within.


It also doesn't help when you realise that you have failed to see what is good about life and people as well and feel that you are a little black cloud to everyone else's sunshine. Yet this is what depression and depression type feelings like to do.  It shall make you feel more vulnerable, isolated and lonely.


Before you can blink it can have you by the throat, if you let it.  Just as the title of a song by Garbage suggests "The Trick Is To Keep Breathing" and even a song by Radiohead "Exit Music For A Film" it also speaks about breathing. I try to remember that song rather than listen to it as it is a bit of a suicidal soundtrack otherwise.


I do see a difference in feeling like a miserable git and actually wallowing in being a miserable git.


This is the thing. I know I am depressed on some levels. Having had clinical depression for a number of years I do know the difference between feeling a bit down and feeling the chemical effects of the depression.


Managing it and being honest about it I find works for me. It also gives me something to fight back against. A lot of my time I manage it fairly well. But right now I am taking a few lumps and there is a part of me that thinks this isn't fair.

I have started an internal protest but I need to put down whatever is barricaded inside of me as this is isolating me further. I don't want to be shut off to the point that I stop giving love or feeling love at the same time either.


This is difficult to deal with as there is a guilt to be felt within this.  Especially when there are some people in my life that are really lovely and loving towards me. I feel that I am failing them when these feelings occur.


Yet I know that with a bit f time the feelings will quieten down.



Now I have moved I am settling into a lovely house, with cool people in it and initially I was freaking out slightly about living with 5 people I am enjoying it.  So far living with E hasn't presented any problems and I am feeling more and more that living communally is the way forward. I like that there is more of a sharing mentality to be had in a house like this and it's lovely to be able to share food with each other too. I like that we can all cook together too if we feel like it and also if we want to have time to chill on our own there isn't a forced feeling of compulsory interaction. Although given how much everyone seems to like baking in this house I need to sort out my gym membership pronto!



The more time that passes in here the more I feel that I am a part of the house and I feel less of it being E's house. Having separate rooms definitely helps this and I think in some ways it has been a nice next step to experience within our relationship as it's a next step but one that feels right and we both still retain our own independence to some degree.  But at the same time it's nice to know that even if we don't see other all day or all night we have the option to wake up or fall asleep with the other if we want.


Just as if we wanted a night to sleep like starfish alone in bed we have that choice. Choice is something massively underrated but I think it is important to try and incorporate as much as possible. As that way it doesn't put too many pressures on the relationship. Because we spent s long practically living together I think its nice that we do but have a bit more independence in some respects as we aren't a 'guest' in each other's space and a strange feeling of having to host one another isn't there.


I don't plan on becoming lazy where dates are concerned though. As I don't want to fall into the trap of thinking "we live together so we don't need to go on dates" kind of attitude.  But it does give scope for other things to happen in a slightly creative sense.

Sparkle keeps any relationship thriving as well as patience, understanding and positivity. As well as remembering to buy cereal.