That is now the title that is officially on my medical records as of today. I saw my new GP in order to start the process of getting a referral to go to Charing Cross to talk to one of the people there. Luckily he was very positive and had a very 'can-do' type of attitude which was massively reassuring.
He told me that I shall be the first person he has referred and seemed positive and happy to do so which I felt so happy inside. All of this feeling prepared to fight around some of the barriers I thought were in place weren't there. We'll see how proactive he is but he seemed very willing.
He also showed me on the computer for stuff to start regarding gender that there is a variety of labels. Some included 'Childhood Gender Identity Disorder' 'Transexualism' as well as Gender Identity Disorder. He too added that he thought it wasn't very 21st Century and like me we both seemed equally intrigued by the weird and wonderful world of gender labels in place in terms of medical classifications.
It doesn't bother me to have this on my record, I don't exactly see it as a badge of honor but I am glad things have started moving and that he seemed to want to help. He actually said that he will do everything he can to support me. Which meant a lot to me and I wasn't expecting that.
I had another medical matter too which he wanted to help with too.
My previous GP wasn't so good or even there a lot of the time which was a main reason I have been putting things off slightly. Also if I am entirely honest I wanted to give things at least a year to be fully sure that I want to start changing my name and then completing the other processes in order to transition further.
Also I feel so surprised by today as in the past I have had a few doctors that haven't been so good. I had one that you would have to have at least three appointments with showing the same symptoms before he would do anything. He also seemed to like making you feel as if you were a hypochondriac too. Which I must add I think I am far from. I'm rarely ill, and I only ever see a doctor if I absolutely need to as for the most part if I can get something over the counter I will. In about three years I think I have been to the doctor about 6 times to put it into context.
I feel ready to embark on stage two. I am aware that because I don't want to take T that this might not be easy but at the same time I do know of others who aren't taking T, so I know it's possible but I also know it will involve a lot of things that tick the right boxes. These things are never as fluid as what identity we hold. But that's life.
I don't feel sad about it but just more determined to make sure I do everything I can to do this. Every path in life has it's requisite bumps and sometimes annoying shit to deal with but that is what being a grown up is all about.
I have started doing more reading around how to change my name and then the other processes involved as to getting things like bank cards and information changed over, then there will be official documents too. It's a lot of red tape but ultimately I know it will be worth it.
I can't wait to receive post that says 'Mr Montgomery' on it, as at present having 'Miss Leng' feels wrong. I nearly returned some mail to sender the other day on account of it having 'Miss Leng across the front of it and then I reminded myself that I am of that name in terms of the law.
Still I'll get there, one snail mail paper chase at a time...
Thursday, 23 September 2010
Monday, 20 September 2010
I am 1!
It's a bit odd to be writing this as a one year old man. Almost makes me feel like I am potty trained or something like that. Still, it makes sense in its own little way. This weekend I became 1, and it has been an interesting year. I wonder what else the year has in store for me, but then I always have thoughts like that surrounding any type of birthday and it's nice to have another birthday that isn't in Winter.
I had a lovely week in the run up to my birthday. E took me to the River Cafe for dinner and it was amazing. I wrote a review about it and I could easily go there once a week if finances permitted. I can also see what the fuss about the place is and I can also see from reading the cookbooks why Nigella Lawson said she could "cook her way through the book and never get bored" or words to that effect.
Over the weekend I saw some old friends who are getting married next weekend and saw the venue for their ceremony and it was lovely. Also spent the weekend watching lots of films as E wasn't feeling so well but was also nice to chill and not do much other than mentally map the odd work thing and watch more DVDs. I have fallen in love with the film place at the bottom of my street as it is only a tenner a month for unlimited rentals which is very credit crunch friendly I must say and also with Winter looming I do sometimes hermit a bit and at least watching stuff gives access to a bit more culture. Also where films are concerned I feel I am massively behind in terms of what I have seen from what I haven't seen, but I suppose books are like that too.
We could read and watch everything yet still feel a slight deficit but at the same time it's important to enrich and expand the mind and look outwards instead of inwards.
That is something I haven't always got right but like anything it's a process of learning and where the will starts the mind and action follows. I do sometimes get moments where I feel like a piece of shit but at the same time I know the only person who can change that is myself and logically there is a willful determination not to feel like a piece of shit or want to feel that way.
It's not always easy but then in comparison to many things everyone has their own things to deal with and learn from. Especially when you are in your mid-twenties. In many ways I see it almost like a second adolescence before you hit your thirties whereby some of your shit gets ironed out more. Well I have noticed that a bit from people I have noticed that have departed their twenties at least.
It's also the time where the fruits of your labour have started paying off too, for those that are heavily focussed on job, house and money etc. I do have certain things in my minds eye as to where I want to be but I also have other goals too.
I like having them as that way I know where I'm at and it also gives me a sense of structure to what I am working towards and what I shall achieve within that. It doesn't work for everyone but it works for me. It also is something that makes me happy.
To be happy and content that is also something that comes from within. Also something that an individual must want otherwise you will be trapped. Just like to love to one's full capacity there has to be an open heart. But that is a puzzle we work with all the time.
Fear is the main thing that holds us back and sometimes I get sick of feeling weighed down by fear, but the frustration comes from knowing that I allowed myself to feel it in the first place. It still doesn't mean I will become naive and pretend things aren't happening but shit sometimes does happen in life but it's how we deal with it all and cope that matters. That is how we survive.
I also think it's wise to be patient with certain things too. In a sense I am glad I am not having surgery straight away as I know when it comes to do it I shall be ready and would have lived longer in role and I will know for definite that this is what I really want. Desire is there of course and I really can't wait for the day that I shall just be able to wear clothes without a binder underneath but until then I need to work hard to change my body and make it more of what I want it to be.
I won't be taking the Sinitta approach though.
My current method is working so far. I'm now the slimmest I have ever been and I am starting to feel more and more comfortable with myself as a result and the changes I have made I am pleased that I have done it myself.
My plans for this next year shall be work, work and more work! But then I will be glad when the website I am working on content for shall be launched and then the 'live' work from that shall start. It's interesting as I am not sure where it will go but I like that it is something fresh and new and within that there is always something that spirals from it.
I had a lovely week in the run up to my birthday. E took me to the River Cafe for dinner and it was amazing. I wrote a review about it and I could easily go there once a week if finances permitted. I can also see what the fuss about the place is and I can also see from reading the cookbooks why Nigella Lawson said she could "cook her way through the book and never get bored" or words to that effect.
Over the weekend I saw some old friends who are getting married next weekend and saw the venue for their ceremony and it was lovely. Also spent the weekend watching lots of films as E wasn't feeling so well but was also nice to chill and not do much other than mentally map the odd work thing and watch more DVDs. I have fallen in love with the film place at the bottom of my street as it is only a tenner a month for unlimited rentals which is very credit crunch friendly I must say and also with Winter looming I do sometimes hermit a bit and at least watching stuff gives access to a bit more culture. Also where films are concerned I feel I am massively behind in terms of what I have seen from what I haven't seen, but I suppose books are like that too.
We could read and watch everything yet still feel a slight deficit but at the same time it's important to enrich and expand the mind and look outwards instead of inwards.
That is something I haven't always got right but like anything it's a process of learning and where the will starts the mind and action follows. I do sometimes get moments where I feel like a piece of shit but at the same time I know the only person who can change that is myself and logically there is a willful determination not to feel like a piece of shit or want to feel that way.
It's not always easy but then in comparison to many things everyone has their own things to deal with and learn from. Especially when you are in your mid-twenties. In many ways I see it almost like a second adolescence before you hit your thirties whereby some of your shit gets ironed out more. Well I have noticed that a bit from people I have noticed that have departed their twenties at least.
It's also the time where the fruits of your labour have started paying off too, for those that are heavily focussed on job, house and money etc. I do have certain things in my minds eye as to where I want to be but I also have other goals too.
I like having them as that way I know where I'm at and it also gives me a sense of structure to what I am working towards and what I shall achieve within that. It doesn't work for everyone but it works for me. It also is something that makes me happy.
To be happy and content that is also something that comes from within. Also something that an individual must want otherwise you will be trapped. Just like to love to one's full capacity there has to be an open heart. But that is a puzzle we work with all the time.
Fear is the main thing that holds us back and sometimes I get sick of feeling weighed down by fear, but the frustration comes from knowing that I allowed myself to feel it in the first place. It still doesn't mean I will become naive and pretend things aren't happening but shit sometimes does happen in life but it's how we deal with it all and cope that matters. That is how we survive.
I also think it's wise to be patient with certain things too. In a sense I am glad I am not having surgery straight away as I know when it comes to do it I shall be ready and would have lived longer in role and I will know for definite that this is what I really want. Desire is there of course and I really can't wait for the day that I shall just be able to wear clothes without a binder underneath but until then I need to work hard to change my body and make it more of what I want it to be.
I won't be taking the Sinitta approach though.
My current method is working so far. I'm now the slimmest I have ever been and I am starting to feel more and more comfortable with myself as a result and the changes I have made I am pleased that I have done it myself.
My plans for this next year shall be work, work and more work! But then I will be glad when the website I am working on content for shall be launched and then the 'live' work from that shall start. It's interesting as I am not sure where it will go but I like that it is something fresh and new and within that there is always something that spirals from it.
Monday, 13 September 2010
September
Usually I used to find the month of September an uneventful time but since last year September shall always be special to me as this was when all my changes started.
I remember this time last year (on this day) I was photographing a wedding, I was surrounded by lovely queer folk and I was gearing up to visit San Francisco, alone. I was excited, nervous and thought my search of queer adventures abroad would be fulfilling and exciting. I had also just started dating someone who is now a really good friend of mine and someone I work with fantastically.
But yes, with my trip there was when Bean gave me an old binder and I haven't taken it off since (metaphorically). It took until December before I started being known as Leng to everyone. But I shall feel that my transitionary birthday shall always be September 18th.
I haven't updated in a while because I have been so busy, having more foreign adventures (this time we were in Berlin) and I have also been working lots too. I feel as if I have a never ending pile of work but one day I shall be clear. If I put in the hours and make the right contacts then I shall be square. The anxiety that comes with doing something new for once isn't holding me back but it is making me feel a strong sense of wanting everything to work. I want something to stand by in the next 6 months and show that since University I am doing something with my life and that the magical thing known as a 'career' is something taking place.
We now have business cards that look amazing (E designed them) and I need to have something solid to show people soon so that all of these things we are doing are not in vain. I don't believe in that. I am also feeling a nagging something within me to make something of myself and to create something. I know I am capable of these things, to be entirely honest the only thing holding me back now would be myself and I can't afford to fuck up on that kind of level. Nor do I want to.
I also don't want to be one of those people who talk about their grand plans of life and never make anything materialise from that. Again that is something that does pop up in my mind quite frequently.
The more I see friends of mine buying houses, getting married, having children, buying another kitten or traveling the world it is making some clock inside me tick louder. I sometimes feel that I am behind in terms of achievement but then I do remind myself that quite a lot of my friends are older than me so of course we won't be in the same place in terms of career, love, life and relationships. Despite my grey hairs I remind myself that I am only 26, but that to me doesn't matter. I need to work hard to make sure I achieve what I want.
Certain things I do think about and would like out of life I know shall mostly be debated by fate. Especially when you have a life that is so fast changing sometimes. Bu at the same time I am so glad that I have left some elements of my previous life behind as I wasn't happy. At least now I know I am living the life that is right for me, I am loved and I am feeling it a whole lot more than I ever did before. I also feel I love with more of a whole heart as I feel I am growing more into the person that I have always been underneath various layers of confusion and fat.
The scales have been very kind with me lately and finally I am starting to feel more comfortable in my physical skin - with exception to having breasts but they will be removed one day so for the time being I try and think about parts of me that I do like and that I am comfortable about.
I do this as I know that otherwise I would drive myself (as well as others around me) up the wall. Although that sometimes can't be avoided I try not to do things deliberately as I think it is important to take responsibility for one's own actions as much as possible.
I remember this time last year (on this day) I was photographing a wedding, I was surrounded by lovely queer folk and I was gearing up to visit San Francisco, alone. I was excited, nervous and thought my search of queer adventures abroad would be fulfilling and exciting. I had also just started dating someone who is now a really good friend of mine and someone I work with fantastically.
But yes, with my trip there was when Bean gave me an old binder and I haven't taken it off since (metaphorically). It took until December before I started being known as Leng to everyone. But I shall feel that my transitionary birthday shall always be September 18th.
I haven't updated in a while because I have been so busy, having more foreign adventures (this time we were in Berlin) and I have also been working lots too. I feel as if I have a never ending pile of work but one day I shall be clear. If I put in the hours and make the right contacts then I shall be square. The anxiety that comes with doing something new for once isn't holding me back but it is making me feel a strong sense of wanting everything to work. I want something to stand by in the next 6 months and show that since University I am doing something with my life and that the magical thing known as a 'career' is something taking place.
We now have business cards that look amazing (E designed them) and I need to have something solid to show people soon so that all of these things we are doing are not in vain. I don't believe in that. I am also feeling a nagging something within me to make something of myself and to create something. I know I am capable of these things, to be entirely honest the only thing holding me back now would be myself and I can't afford to fuck up on that kind of level. Nor do I want to.
I also don't want to be one of those people who talk about their grand plans of life and never make anything materialise from that. Again that is something that does pop up in my mind quite frequently.
The more I see friends of mine buying houses, getting married, having children, buying another kitten or traveling the world it is making some clock inside me tick louder. I sometimes feel that I am behind in terms of achievement but then I do remind myself that quite a lot of my friends are older than me so of course we won't be in the same place in terms of career, love, life and relationships. Despite my grey hairs I remind myself that I am only 26, but that to me doesn't matter. I need to work hard to make sure I achieve what I want.
Certain things I do think about and would like out of life I know shall mostly be debated by fate. Especially when you have a life that is so fast changing sometimes. Bu at the same time I am so glad that I have left some elements of my previous life behind as I wasn't happy. At least now I know I am living the life that is right for me, I am loved and I am feeling it a whole lot more than I ever did before. I also feel I love with more of a whole heart as I feel I am growing more into the person that I have always been underneath various layers of confusion and fat.
The scales have been very kind with me lately and finally I am starting to feel more comfortable in my physical skin - with exception to having breasts but they will be removed one day so for the time being I try and think about parts of me that I do like and that I am comfortable about.
I do this as I know that otherwise I would drive myself (as well as others around me) up the wall. Although that sometimes can't be avoided I try not to do things deliberately as I think it is important to take responsibility for one's own actions as much as possible.
Wednesday, 1 September 2010
Time of The Month
Today has been the start of many things, new job, I've lost more weight, I'm now a tax payer once again oh and my period.
I sometimes find it strange now to have them. I find it funny whenever I have to buy tampons as sometimes I get looks from shop keepers that suggest I am a nice chap for buying tampons for my girlfriend...little do they know they are for me. I even find it strange to sometimes talk about periods, even though I have been having them for the past 13 years.
I can't say I like them or have ever liked them but the main thing I don't like about them so much isn't the cramps but I don't like having tenderness on my breasts as let me tell you something when you bind it really hurts. It feels almost masochistic to have them strapped to me but at the same time I can't leave the house without a binder on I really can't.
It's exactly like the types of women who refuse to leave the house without make-up and that is how I feel about my binder. I know there are health implications attached to binding long term but at the same time I don't like not wearing it. It feels wrong and also I do want to remove my breasts, the sooner the better.
I made one step in changing my name a little, I have now changed my email over and everything at work other than bank details are in my new name rather than old name. I will have to get the ball moving soon on getting rid of my legal name. It feels weird when I see it as I sometimes have moments where I have found myself thinking "who is that" usually followed by "duh".
I don't feel a sense of anything towards it other than it being the name I use for administration purposes. I am starting to feel more and more ready to advance in terms of name changes and all the legal things. I also can't wait until I start making plans for surgery. I definitely plan to be breast free by the time I am 30. I also plan to have taken over the world and found a way to exterminate mosquitoes too but I think the chest is a more realistic goal to make.
I like targets and things to look forward to as these are things that provide structure. I have discovered that feeling I am in limbo or just floating along doesn't sit too well with me. I like to know where I am at and what I am doing and what is expected of me and then it seems I thrive. I also love the satisfaction of crossing off tasks on a To-Do List and the sense of achievement that brings. I also like starting the day early in the gym as that helps me focus on my day ahead.
Still all work and no play makes for a dull boy but its good in terms of saving on money. I have continued to have foreign adventures. Following Corsica, E and I did the crazy thing and had a week in London, followed by a weekend in Switzerland. Over the Bank Holiday we stayed in London too and she took me to the most amazing restaurant ever...it is called Asia de Cuba and firstly I have to say that I was spoiled rotten in there and the place was amazing like really, really stunningly amazing. The food though is well worth sampling but I must warn you of one thing, this place ruins you for life. No where else seems to do fusion cuisine with the finesse these people have.
Needless to say my taste buds were seduced and scandalised within a couple of mouthfuls.
The food portions were humongous, I defy anyone to leave there hungry and it was a wonderful evening. Although E was suffering quite a bit with a bit of an injury to the coccyx (and no I didn't cause it before any of you raise an eyebrow) she seemed to have a lovely time too.
Still I shall be writing a separate review of that on Qype so there will be more to report on that next time I blog.
I sometimes find it strange now to have them. I find it funny whenever I have to buy tampons as sometimes I get looks from shop keepers that suggest I am a nice chap for buying tampons for my girlfriend...little do they know they are for me. I even find it strange to sometimes talk about periods, even though I have been having them for the past 13 years.
I can't say I like them or have ever liked them but the main thing I don't like about them so much isn't the cramps but I don't like having tenderness on my breasts as let me tell you something when you bind it really hurts. It feels almost masochistic to have them strapped to me but at the same time I can't leave the house without a binder on I really can't.
It's exactly like the types of women who refuse to leave the house without make-up and that is how I feel about my binder. I know there are health implications attached to binding long term but at the same time I don't like not wearing it. It feels wrong and also I do want to remove my breasts, the sooner the better.
I made one step in changing my name a little, I have now changed my email over and everything at work other than bank details are in my new name rather than old name. I will have to get the ball moving soon on getting rid of my legal name. It feels weird when I see it as I sometimes have moments where I have found myself thinking "who is that" usually followed by "duh".
I don't feel a sense of anything towards it other than it being the name I use for administration purposes. I am starting to feel more and more ready to advance in terms of name changes and all the legal things. I also can't wait until I start making plans for surgery. I definitely plan to be breast free by the time I am 30. I also plan to have taken over the world and found a way to exterminate mosquitoes too but I think the chest is a more realistic goal to make.
I like targets and things to look forward to as these are things that provide structure. I have discovered that feeling I am in limbo or just floating along doesn't sit too well with me. I like to know where I am at and what I am doing and what is expected of me and then it seems I thrive. I also love the satisfaction of crossing off tasks on a To-Do List and the sense of achievement that brings. I also like starting the day early in the gym as that helps me focus on my day ahead.
Still all work and no play makes for a dull boy but its good in terms of saving on money. I have continued to have foreign adventures. Following Corsica, E and I did the crazy thing and had a week in London, followed by a weekend in Switzerland. Over the Bank Holiday we stayed in London too and she took me to the most amazing restaurant ever...it is called Asia de Cuba and firstly I have to say that I was spoiled rotten in there and the place was amazing like really, really stunningly amazing. The food though is well worth sampling but I must warn you of one thing, this place ruins you for life. No where else seems to do fusion cuisine with the finesse these people have.
Needless to say my taste buds were seduced and scandalised within a couple of mouthfuls.
The food portions were humongous, I defy anyone to leave there hungry and it was a wonderful evening. Although E was suffering quite a bit with a bit of an injury to the coccyx (and no I didn't cause it before any of you raise an eyebrow) she seemed to have a lovely time too.
Still I shall be writing a separate review of that on Qype so there will be more to report on that next time I blog.
Monday, 16 August 2010
Life is a bit broken
The last few days have been somewhat challenging in terms of my sense of order.
Firstly my laptop has packed in so in a bit I have to go to the Mac shop to get it sent off as it's the graphics card in it that has meant I have had a no usable screen. It is also a pain in the arse as I have photo shop on that one and I have a little bit of editing to be doing. Still I shall find a workable solution for that soon enough.
My other annoyance is that my Blackberry doesn't seem to want to sync properly with my applications meaning that certain messages etc haven't been getting through to me. But my main annoyance, right now is the fact that my left shoulder has decided to do something and I am in a lot pain right now. I had it just before I went to Corsica, it got a little better but its back to being sore again. It started on Saturday and last night it got worse. I was up half the night and I feel a bit bad for disturbing E, although she wasn't pissed off with me I am sure she will find a way of exacting her own brand of 'revenge' (that will be gratifying for the both of us) at some point.
Just sitting very still and breathing really hurts and I can't move much. I sneezed earlier too and that made shriek a little. This is very annoying and I wish I could chop my shoulder off and grow a new one.
I know this is a whingy blog to which I do apologise but right now I am in agony. Still I am booked in to a sports massage place later this afternoon so hopefully that will help. My Mum is also sorting out an appointment with a chiropractor where she is so everything will get sorted it's just a bit frustrating right now. I don't like feeling broken or having my eyes water just from putting on my shoes. Still there are solutions happening I just have to wait for them.
There is only one thing worrying me a little and that is revealing that I bind. But on the other hand the binder works a lot better than a bra in terms of offering support for the back and anyhow this is a medical situation so I have to just deal with it. Mentally I will just be a man with breasts today, I don't really have a choice in that matter and that does bother me, but at the same time this needs sorting out and that takes priority. I will just have to suck it up in terms of how I choose to present myself. Biologically I am female and in situations like this there is nothing that can hide that.
The rest of my weekend was a delight though so thinking of that is really nice. Saw friends on Saturday, then had a lovely brunch with a giant lady on Sunday, then I saw the film Gainsbourg which was FANTASTIC and I suggest that everyone goes to see it and also did nice things like walked around a lot with E and chilled.
I'm going away in a few days for the weekend and I hope my shoulder is much better by then as I want to go on walks and things like that. Another thing this means is no gym and that does worry me a bit as I really feel I need to watch my weight at the moment and not being able to exercise is frustrating - still I have to concentrate on getting my shoulder and back working properly again so I can do simple things without it hurting and some sleep would be nice too.
Still it will change and it will be less painful soon I will moan less on that score too! Despite my complaints I am seeing the positive side of things and things will be better soon so that is what I am thinking of...bigger picture rather than just directly focussing on what is happening right now.
Firstly my laptop has packed in so in a bit I have to go to the Mac shop to get it sent off as it's the graphics card in it that has meant I have had a no usable screen. It is also a pain in the arse as I have photo shop on that one and I have a little bit of editing to be doing. Still I shall find a workable solution for that soon enough.
My other annoyance is that my Blackberry doesn't seem to want to sync properly with my applications meaning that certain messages etc haven't been getting through to me. But my main annoyance, right now is the fact that my left shoulder has decided to do something and I am in a lot pain right now. I had it just before I went to Corsica, it got a little better but its back to being sore again. It started on Saturday and last night it got worse. I was up half the night and I feel a bit bad for disturbing E, although she wasn't pissed off with me I am sure she will find a way of exacting her own brand of 'revenge' (that will be gratifying for the both of us) at some point.
Just sitting very still and breathing really hurts and I can't move much. I sneezed earlier too and that made shriek a little. This is very annoying and I wish I could chop my shoulder off and grow a new one.
I know this is a whingy blog to which I do apologise but right now I am in agony. Still I am booked in to a sports massage place later this afternoon so hopefully that will help. My Mum is also sorting out an appointment with a chiropractor where she is so everything will get sorted it's just a bit frustrating right now. I don't like feeling broken or having my eyes water just from putting on my shoes. Still there are solutions happening I just have to wait for them.
There is only one thing worrying me a little and that is revealing that I bind. But on the other hand the binder works a lot better than a bra in terms of offering support for the back and anyhow this is a medical situation so I have to just deal with it. Mentally I will just be a man with breasts today, I don't really have a choice in that matter and that does bother me, but at the same time this needs sorting out and that takes priority. I will just have to suck it up in terms of how I choose to present myself. Biologically I am female and in situations like this there is nothing that can hide that.
The rest of my weekend was a delight though so thinking of that is really nice. Saw friends on Saturday, then had a lovely brunch with a giant lady on Sunday, then I saw the film Gainsbourg which was FANTASTIC and I suggest that everyone goes to see it and also did nice things like walked around a lot with E and chilled.
I'm going away in a few days for the weekend and I hope my shoulder is much better by then as I want to go on walks and things like that. Another thing this means is no gym and that does worry me a bit as I really feel I need to watch my weight at the moment and not being able to exercise is frustrating - still I have to concentrate on getting my shoulder and back working properly again so I can do simple things without it hurting and some sleep would be nice too.
Still it will change and it will be less painful soon I will moan less on that score too! Despite my complaints I am seeing the positive side of things and things will be better soon so that is what I am thinking of...bigger picture rather than just directly focussing on what is happening right now.
Travels
I am convinced I have dermatitis on my feet from the amount of travel I have found myself doing lately. Still it's good for the soul and great for the memories. Environmentalists look away now! In the last couple of weeks I have been to Italy, just returned from Corsica and next week I am off to Switzerland for a few days with my parents and E is coming too.
I had an absolutely wonderful time in Corsica, the only thing I won't miss about the place is the mosquito's and other biting flies. I have legs that look like pepperoni pizza but it was my own silly fault for not taking any deet so I won't whinge (I don't have the urge to whinge) but will remember that when going ANYWHERE with sunshine that I should take precautions.
Still you live and learn and I am glad that my blood was sweet enough. Bastards.
If I could wipe out the entire species of mosquito's I would. Seriously what purpose do they have other than to be pests and spread disease? Still
I did proper camping too as oppose to just having a tent to sleep in and I must say there is a difference between camping and glamping. It's nice all the same but last night I was pleased to be back in a bed! I do like the space in which bed provides but being outside and feeling slightly without creature comforts is also good for the soul too.
We were celebrating E's friend N's Birthday and she was there with her E. So combined all out initials spell out LEEN and trust me at the end of this trip I feel lean in certain places. I did some via ferrata as well as experienced some canyoning. Out of the two I preferred the via ferrata as that also involved clipping ourselves to other things and climbing on suspended logs and doing zip lines. I must admit I was such a scaredy cat at first and did feel shaky but was glad I relaxed into it and once it felt a bit more familiar I found I really enjoyed it and could of happily spent longer doing it.
Canyoning on the other hand was possibly one of the most extreme things I have ever done. It was very beautiful though, but the bits of it I didn't like was the jumping, and having to jump. But the rest of it was ok, but overall I think I prefer slightly dryer activities. Still I am glad I tried it and the hiking there and back was very good exercise as was the experience. It didn't grip me in the same way doing the via ferrata did but then again we all find what we like and what we dislike.
I want to do more zip lining as I did feel a little frustrated that I would freeze before going for it, once I got moving I was fine, as with the canyoning. In the end I just told the instructor to push me off the edge of a ledge if I froze as I felt that would help me maintain my pride a bit more and I would feel less of a wimp.
Still some of us have that fearlessness when it comes to that kind of stuff and some of us are a little more, cautious lets say. The weird thing is in situations like that I don't think I am going to die or anything like that I just don't like feeling I have no control over how I descend.
Corsica looked a lot different to how I expected it, I managed to speak in a dodgy French accent for a lot of the trip which in turn is perfect warm up for Switzerland...in theory!
I am really looking forward to showing E, Switzerland as she hasn't been before and it will be nice to show her the house and also the beautiful views where we are. I like it in winter but I also like it in summer when everything is in bloom and the cows are out en mass.
My external life as always is very good, sometimes my internal feelings don't match it and that frustrates me. My main problem I have experienced lately is sometimes having the feeling that I don't know who I am anymore. I've changed so much since last September and sometimes I feel it's hard to catch up and even keep up with what has happened and what is happening now. Everything in me is subject to a lot of change and that is exciting but sometimes I feel an urge for quiet and calm, especially if I feel I don't know who I am anymore. That weirds me out but at the same time I am sure I am not the only one who has felt this transition stuff aside.
I do want to legally change my name soon as I feel my legal name is literally in place for admin purposes, but in terms of passport stuff and things like that I need to research everything thoroughly but at the same time I feel a little bit scared to at the same time.
I don't know how simple it will be as I am not taking hormones and I am planning on doing things privately so I know that will not necessarily be the easiest or most simple of routes but at the same time everything I am doing feels correct for me right now.
I am definitely sticking to my guns of taking things one step at a time as I don't think I would handle it otherwise. I get some days where I feel like a freak and that I don't fit in anywhere, but again I know everyone has those types of feelings.
I am really glad I don't feel like a teenage boy like I did when I first started transitioning. I don't feel like a middle aged man but I'm working on it, minus the midlife crisis and receding hair.
(I know that was a bad stereotype to use)
I had an absolutely wonderful time in Corsica, the only thing I won't miss about the place is the mosquito's and other biting flies. I have legs that look like pepperoni pizza but it was my own silly fault for not taking any deet so I won't whinge (I don't have the urge to whinge) but will remember that when going ANYWHERE with sunshine that I should take precautions.
Still you live and learn and I am glad that my blood was sweet enough. Bastards.
If I could wipe out the entire species of mosquito's I would. Seriously what purpose do they have other than to be pests and spread disease? Still
I did proper camping too as oppose to just having a tent to sleep in and I must say there is a difference between camping and glamping. It's nice all the same but last night I was pleased to be back in a bed! I do like the space in which bed provides but being outside and feeling slightly without creature comforts is also good for the soul too.
We were celebrating E's friend N's Birthday and she was there with her E. So combined all out initials spell out LEEN and trust me at the end of this trip I feel lean in certain places. I did some via ferrata as well as experienced some canyoning. Out of the two I preferred the via ferrata as that also involved clipping ourselves to other things and climbing on suspended logs and doing zip lines. I must admit I was such a scaredy cat at first and did feel shaky but was glad I relaxed into it and once it felt a bit more familiar I found I really enjoyed it and could of happily spent longer doing it.
Canyoning on the other hand was possibly one of the most extreme things I have ever done. It was very beautiful though, but the bits of it I didn't like was the jumping, and having to jump. But the rest of it was ok, but overall I think I prefer slightly dryer activities. Still I am glad I tried it and the hiking there and back was very good exercise as was the experience. It didn't grip me in the same way doing the via ferrata did but then again we all find what we like and what we dislike.
I want to do more zip lining as I did feel a little frustrated that I would freeze before going for it, once I got moving I was fine, as with the canyoning. In the end I just told the instructor to push me off the edge of a ledge if I froze as I felt that would help me maintain my pride a bit more and I would feel less of a wimp.
Still some of us have that fearlessness when it comes to that kind of stuff and some of us are a little more, cautious lets say. The weird thing is in situations like that I don't think I am going to die or anything like that I just don't like feeling I have no control over how I descend.
Corsica looked a lot different to how I expected it, I managed to speak in a dodgy French accent for a lot of the trip which in turn is perfect warm up for Switzerland...in theory!
I am really looking forward to showing E, Switzerland as she hasn't been before and it will be nice to show her the house and also the beautiful views where we are. I like it in winter but I also like it in summer when everything is in bloom and the cows are out en mass.
My external life as always is very good, sometimes my internal feelings don't match it and that frustrates me. My main problem I have experienced lately is sometimes having the feeling that I don't know who I am anymore. I've changed so much since last September and sometimes I feel it's hard to catch up and even keep up with what has happened and what is happening now. Everything in me is subject to a lot of change and that is exciting but sometimes I feel an urge for quiet and calm, especially if I feel I don't know who I am anymore. That weirds me out but at the same time I am sure I am not the only one who has felt this transition stuff aside.
I do want to legally change my name soon as I feel my legal name is literally in place for admin purposes, but in terms of passport stuff and things like that I need to research everything thoroughly but at the same time I feel a little bit scared to at the same time.
I don't know how simple it will be as I am not taking hormones and I am planning on doing things privately so I know that will not necessarily be the easiest or most simple of routes but at the same time everything I am doing feels correct for me right now.
I am definitely sticking to my guns of taking things one step at a time as I don't think I would handle it otherwise. I get some days where I feel like a freak and that I don't fit in anywhere, but again I know everyone has those types of feelings.
I am really glad I don't feel like a teenage boy like I did when I first started transitioning. I don't feel like a middle aged man but I'm working on it, minus the midlife crisis and receding hair.
(I know that was a bad stereotype to use)
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
The Hormonal Cloud
It's amazing what a few mood swings can do to the mind and body to some extent. Right now I am feeling a bit of a slump but also have a sense of guilt for feeling like this. I have a good life, a nice place to live, wonderful friends, supportive family and someone who loves me. Then the guilt comes back in as I feel I don't deserve any of this and feel manky that I have feelings that are making me feel like a piece of crap.
I don't starve and I have a very nice life. I feel it isn't right to feel so rubbish and believe you me, I really want to shift these feelings but right now I can't seem to, but I shall. One thing I have learned over the years is never to give in to these types of feelings where possible. Resistance is key yet it is important to acknowledge what is happening around you at the same time and deal with it.
I feel very much that I am on the periphery to people. I have realised one thing is definitely to do with my body. I feel I am between bodies and there are certain things that I can't necessarily do right now or if I am more honest I don't feel comfortable doing right now.
I can't swim or sunbathe very well as that to me will mean that I am giving away the fact that I am still female bodied. Coming on my period really highlights this sometimes as I hate the emotions that seem to come with it. PMT is an arsehole at the best of times, and especially when you want to conceal the fact that you are female!
I don't get these feelings often but once in a while I do get moments where I feel confused about who I actually am. Now is one of them.
I recently purchased some new binders and one is fantastic the other ones are a bit problematic...they are cut a bit low so reveal I have cleavage if I am not careful. Not having a hidden enough chest really icks me out as I have discovered over the last fortnight or so. I was in the gym and I could see that it appeared that some of my boob was starting to spill out a bit. Luckily I always go when it's quiet so it wasn't noticed but that irritated me as it does if I am in effect having any cleavage happening. I feel gross when it happens.
Then again I have always hated my chest, it's not as if this is something new.
But the weird feelings are starting to bother me. I just want to be without breasts as they don't feel like they belong on me and sometimes I feel that I am a fraud as I am not the man I envisage in my mind yet I am not a biological man nor will I ever be. I don't struggle with having female sexual organs, it's just the breasts and I hate being identified as a female as that isn't me.
I just don't feel much like I know who I am right now and that unsettles me slightly. Still I know this is normal and realistically I think everyone who has started transitioning has felt like this at some point. Life isn't always a bed of roses but nor is it a set to be full of doom and gloom. It's easy to succumb and give in and allow yourself to be crushed by bullshit, but sometimes your body chemistry just isn't on your side.
I don't take drugs for any depression I have nor do I want to take drugs to change my body. Right now I feel it best to make any changes I need to make naturally and with minimal assistance in those respects. But that is just me. Everyone lives their lives in a different way to one another and for that I will always respect.
For this week I have to keep busy and have to exercise like a demon as that will help me break some of this. I had a wonderful weekend in Italy, and have another exciting weekend ahead of me but in the meantime I think it best to work hard and try and thrash out this discomfort.
Boxing gloves on...Round One...Let's go.
I don't starve and I have a very nice life. I feel it isn't right to feel so rubbish and believe you me, I really want to shift these feelings but right now I can't seem to, but I shall. One thing I have learned over the years is never to give in to these types of feelings where possible. Resistance is key yet it is important to acknowledge what is happening around you at the same time and deal with it.
I feel very much that I am on the periphery to people. I have realised one thing is definitely to do with my body. I feel I am between bodies and there are certain things that I can't necessarily do right now or if I am more honest I don't feel comfortable doing right now.
I can't swim or sunbathe very well as that to me will mean that I am giving away the fact that I am still female bodied. Coming on my period really highlights this sometimes as I hate the emotions that seem to come with it. PMT is an arsehole at the best of times, and especially when you want to conceal the fact that you are female!
I don't get these feelings often but once in a while I do get moments where I feel confused about who I actually am. Now is one of them.
I recently purchased some new binders and one is fantastic the other ones are a bit problematic...they are cut a bit low so reveal I have cleavage if I am not careful. Not having a hidden enough chest really icks me out as I have discovered over the last fortnight or so. I was in the gym and I could see that it appeared that some of my boob was starting to spill out a bit. Luckily I always go when it's quiet so it wasn't noticed but that irritated me as it does if I am in effect having any cleavage happening. I feel gross when it happens.
Then again I have always hated my chest, it's not as if this is something new.
But the weird feelings are starting to bother me. I just want to be without breasts as they don't feel like they belong on me and sometimes I feel that I am a fraud as I am not the man I envisage in my mind yet I am not a biological man nor will I ever be. I don't struggle with having female sexual organs, it's just the breasts and I hate being identified as a female as that isn't me.
I just don't feel much like I know who I am right now and that unsettles me slightly. Still I know this is normal and realistically I think everyone who has started transitioning has felt like this at some point. Life isn't always a bed of roses but nor is it a set to be full of doom and gloom. It's easy to succumb and give in and allow yourself to be crushed by bullshit, but sometimes your body chemistry just isn't on your side.
I don't take drugs for any depression I have nor do I want to take drugs to change my body. Right now I feel it best to make any changes I need to make naturally and with minimal assistance in those respects. But that is just me. Everyone lives their lives in a different way to one another and for that I will always respect.
For this week I have to keep busy and have to exercise like a demon as that will help me break some of this. I had a wonderful weekend in Italy, and have another exciting weekend ahead of me but in the meantime I think it best to work hard and try and thrash out this discomfort.
Boxing gloves on...Round One...Let's go.
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